I, Da Ca$hman's Movie Reviews

U Can't Beat Me Man!

In Short: Friday the 13th: What are the best?

With the marathon finally complete, it's time to give a straight forward look at Friday the 13th:

Favorite to Least Favorite:

1. Freddy vs. Jason

2. Friday the 13th (the original)

3. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning

4. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

5. Friday the 13th Part IX: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

6. Friday the 13th Part VII: A New Blood

7. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

8. Friday the 13th (2009)

9. Friday the 13th: Part 10: Jason X

10. Friday the 13th: Part VI: Jason Lives

11. Friday the 13th Part 2

12. Friday the 13th Part 3-D

How will the horror be organized?

Chronologically. By time it was made. You will see the earliest films at the bottom and the latest films at the top. For instance, Friday the 13th (1980) will be below Freddy vs. Jason (2003).

Rating System

Ratings tend to not be the best indicators of opinions - for a better understanding read the entire review. However, ratings are also quick. So here is a quick legend of what these ratings might mean. Note that if there are multiple options, these options can merge in the hurricane that is my mentality.vAll ratings are made with both objective quality of the movie and personal opinion in mind. Reviews are made looking for all aspects of the movies, however seeking the positives as a priority over the negatives. If my rankings were chosen with a different method, this list would be entirely different.

0/5 - Nothing going for this movie. Example: A.V.P.:R.-Un:R[4.0]]{BETA}

1/5 - Barely anything going for this movie. Example: Alien Resurrection 

2/5 - Option A. Overrated. Example: The Amazing Spiderman. Option B. Had a lot of potential but it didn't fall through. Example: Friday the 13th 3-D Option C. Nothing new, nothing special, and synthetic. Example: Dolphin Tale.a. Option D. At least they tried. Example: Alien 3

3/5 - Option A. Cheesy and Fun, the best and worst of Popcorn Entertainment. Example: Piranaconda Option B. Good, Okay, but nothing that I even recommend by any stretch of the imagination. Just check it out if you're bored to death. Example: Highlander

3.5/5 - Very good, enjoyable. It's a fun time, and I recommend it, but don't rush out to the theaters. Something you would rent on Netflix. Example: Dracula 2000

3.8/5 Close to awesome but just great. Example: Friday the 13th (2009)

4/5 - Awesome but not perfect. Example: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhatten

5/5 - Between 90% done overtly well or 95% done well. Example:Batman Begions

5.5/5 - 95% Done overtly well or 100% done well. Example - Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979)

6/5 - Beyond Perfection. 100% done overtly well. Example: Freddy vs. Jason

All decimals represent a space in between these ratings.

Requests

They are available, however keep in mind I have my own schedules of movie reviewing and there are movies that I have reviewed on a now dead  YouTube Channel and some movies I have reviewed on my regular YouTube Channel. You may also post requests in Contact Us or the Request form on my YouTube Page.

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Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Gahoule (Gahole?) (2010)

Did you expect all scary movies when I called this section "Halloween 2010 Reviews?" Yes, yes you did.

Some people might have the mad idea that this is based off a book. Definably not, it is a blatant rip-off of The Lion King!!!!! *gets smacked in the face*. Okay, technically it is based off a book. But it is totally like The Lion King. Like, no Timon and Pumba, nor are they Lions, but its very similar. In The Lion King, you were able to suspend your disbelief (especially if you were a kid,) and believe there was real danger, even though they were Lions and Warthogs. Here, same things, only with Owls and Bats. *SPOILER ALERTS* In the scene where the main character lets his brother fall into the Forest Fire, do you not think of Scar's death scene? When the Pure Ones enslave the littler owls, don't you think of Scar's enslavement of the Hyenas? *SPOILER ALERTS FINISHED.* 

But aside from the copyright infringement, what is up with The Guardians? Ever see Fury of the Film Fan's review of Alpha and Omega? Well, if you haven't, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeHwUA10ZJo . It basically says that it is a film made for children and not for the adults. Needless to say, Toy Story 3 is somewhat of an opposite, only necessarily implanting child humor. Anywho, this movie is a weird mix. It doesn't know whether it wants to be a family film targeted towards the audience, or providing smart but cheesy humor for the kids. It's a crazy mix of both, and sometimes it's disturbing...*cough*LION KING GAWD D@M IT!!!*cough*. It's both a story of a young and naive owl who slowly learns how to fly AND OWLS IN THE STORYLINE OF THE NAZIS!!!! *again cough*LION KING GAWD D@M IT!!!!*again cough*.

I'm not gonna get off that subject am I? Well, here's something that definably wasn't in The Lion King: (to my memory) Slow Motion Owls Fighting Bats Above Forest Fires!!!! SMOFBAFF!!! Enough said. The characters were definably Lion-King-ish, including the Echidna that is definably Rafiki. But the singing Owl definably seemed like the Owl from Winnie the Pooh. An old silly dude he is. And this was made by Warner Bros., the dudes who made Looney Toons! Why? Why are they taking these un-original ideas? Just because The Lion King has not been remade before? (Well, there is a stage adaptation and a video game.) Point in case. The CGI, while not looking very realistic, is detailed and beautiful. I honestly think it was good to not have Traditional Animation here, I think it wouldn't be the same.

That said, the Loony Toons short before the film was all CGI. That p1$$ed me off so. And don't give me the "no traditional animation can be 3-D." I've seen traditional animation in 3-D. YOU DON'T TAKE SOMETHING MEANT FOR TRADITIONAL ANIMATION AND MAKE IT CGI!!! (And Vice Versa.) Everything is meant to be it's own format. I think there are too many CGI films, but having them in general is not a bad thing. I think both new and old technology should be equally shared within reason. CGI in live movies, different story. But on that note, let's get on the 3-D. Trailers: Depth both towards you and away from you. Movie: Depth away from you but not towards you. Digital 3-D...may not be a scam. Red and Blue 3-D: Depth towards you and away from you. Also includes Nerdiness and Classicness with the package.

But Digital CAN have two modes of depth. The fact is they don't use it. It's not Digital 3-D that's the culprit, it's the business marketing this 3-D. The only improvement with Digital though, is that glasses wearing folks (such as myself) have less of a problem with it. But in the end, too many people have seizures, and I guess they had to change it. But the way they are scamming us with the "filmed in 3-D" aspect is BS. Back on the subject of the film, acting is really good and Australian, directing (if there was any) is not that great. Zack Snyder? Production value is fantastic, editing seems like they were desperate for getting the film at only 90 minutes. It's like they purposely left character development out.

Writing is...it's not hugely great over a huge period. But every detail of story is taken care of with extra care. (Taken care of with extra care?) The music was cliche and over&under-used. I have nothing left to say. Go see it if you can understand it's a kids movie, it's freaking epic. The Rating? 3.94/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Friday the 13th (2009)

You see! I keep my promises!!...Seven months later...

The first thing I want to talk about is the rating. I watched the R-Rated (or Killer Cut) version. The Theatrical Version, was rated PG-13. What? True fear most people say is suspense, and I say it is intimidation. You don't need an R-Rating for this. Regardless, Friday the 13th is a franchise that is flooded with gore and sex. This is all there in the R-Rated version, but I can't imagine there was much of this in the Theatrical Version. What the hell. Anyways, enough of that shit, let's review the 2009 Remake of Friday the 13th 1-3, finally wrapping up the loose ends of the Friday the 13th marathon! (No, no TV Series.)

Well, this movie definitely gets off to a very rocky start. The opening scene is the climax of the first film. It flashes the scene, then lightning strikes, then another credit rolls. I cannot focus on any of the three, nor do I want to. Lemme skip the credits. Lemme focus on the scene. The lightning hurts your eyes. The actress they got for Jason's mother was so uninterested. She was written well, but her actress was just like "2 more seconds closer to getting my paycheck." That's pretty damn bad. It's also in a grayscale tone, which makes it harder to see. The original wasn't in fucking 1954, 1980's had beautiful color.

Then we got straight to Part 2. We are introduced to characters who suck. They are extremely annoying. Most Friday the 13th films don't focus too much on characters, but they are at least tolerable. They are also horny drug doing like teenagers. In most FT13 films, you want to see the kids die because they are engaging in sexual activities. The thing that the original Camp Counselors were doing when Jason drowned. Here, you just want to see them gone. The first kill of the movie, which remains in Part 2, is frankly pretty tame. Pink muscles, no blood, and very little scar tissue.

That said, every other kill in this movie was awesome. Unfortunately, they are few. If this film had a few extra more kills, I would throw up. Wonderfully disgusting. Not super disgusting, but very above average here. Good ol' disgust. But is that real fear? No, but that's why you're here. And sex. Don't forget the sex. But seriously, forks, Jason Voorhees has always been and interesting character and every single film takes it's own unique liberties with the character. Here we have a much more major liberty then most films. Jason is a person who finds a girl that looks like his mom when she was a teen.

He keeps him in his chamber. His chamber is a claustrophobic area that mixes The Alien Spaceship, The Leprechaun Layer and Jabba's Palace. I feel like I wanna see it explored more, but I don't know what they would explore. Maybe as a special on TV, as a light-hearted sketch. No, nothing in the movie about what's in the cave. Jump scares don't really deliver. Maybe it's because I'm so used to them now, but it doesn't feel like much. I was more scared from suspense then shock. Anyways, the characters in Part 3 (which dominates the film), are Friday the 13th Formula material.

They are tolerable yet overall nasty teenagers who are horny and drug addicts, with the exception of a few, whole hearted people. These people make the film very watchable and enjoyable. This film also has multiple allusions to other horror films. Many to Friday the 13th movies (The Original, Part 3-D, Jason X, etc.) But also to Leprechaun (a similar kitchen is shown), Monkey Shines (the same Monkey  Doll is there), Jaws (you'll spot it), Creature From the Black Lagoon (again, you'll spot it), and even the Sci-Fi film Knowing (Jason's old bedroom is exactly the same bedroom that was featured in that film.)

This film oddly enough starts scenes with pop, light-hearted music, kind of like Back to the Future. Guys...this is a Horror-Fantasy, not a Sci-Fi-Comedy. They waste potential to set the mood to creepy. When Jason finds his mask is one of the pinnacle points of this film. It is suspenseful, shocking, disgusting, creepy and all-around well made. One of the major complaints against this film is Jason's backstory. I'm here to tell you I didn't have a problem with it. I thought we got deeper into the character, and it helped with a "OH SHIT HE'S PISSED" feeling. It wasn't forced down your throat.

Overall, this is basically a Friday the 13th film done right, adjusted for the 21st Century with some flaws not normally appearing in FT13th films and a rocky start. Overall, I give this movie a 3.8/5. Watch it if you want, but it's not something necessary, however fun for a Friday the 13th fan.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off...and oh...Happy Friday the 13th everybody.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

A roller coaster. First time riding a roller coaster-HOLLY $#!T THAT WAS MOTHER@#$%ING AWESOME!!! Second time riding a roller coaster-Holly $#!T, that was @#$%ing awesome. Third time riding a roller coaster-Ah the memories of mother @#$%ingness.

A year ago in the house of a virgin to slasher films, a boy is doing a rip-off of Cinemassacre's Monster Madness. He has done cheesy 50's stuff like Rodan (1957) and The Blob (1958). But then another boy of similar age requests a movie named Freddy vs. Jason. The boy remembers back when he was in the fifth grade, and the DVD Freddy vs. Jason was recommended to him on Amazon. He remembered his curiosity. He said he could not, his parents would never let him. But then, it came on the SyFy Channel (previously called the Sci-Fi Channel). He told his parents that it would be massively censored, and they let him view it. They were afraid though. The boy told his YouTube friend, and watched Freddy vs. Jason. He was in awe the entire film.

That date was October 9th, 2009. The next year, he would watch it again this time with his friend. He remembered how much he loved it the first time, but wasn't getting the same sense of excitement. He was still thrilled beyond belief, just not as much. Today, October 30th, 2010, the boy watched it one more time, after being exposed to all the other Friday the 13th films and the original+remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street. He understood what he was going through-it's like watching a mystery twice. Or any movie twice. The first time is always a million times better than any repeated viewings, that is if the film was one of his favorites. It seems to work the opposite way with duller films. 

And that's my personal recollection of Freddy vs. Jason in a nutshell. I wanted to use notes on this to make the review longer, but that would have slashed my experience even more. I wanted to view this purely. This film is the reason why we understand Friday the 13th as a whole, and we fear Freddy Krueger to his fullest extent. So let's talk about this.

Freddy Krueger tells his story. Before, we knew Freddy's story, but it was never told like this (at least to my knowledge.) Freddy narrating, it was awesome. Beautiful. Frightning. Creepy. He recognizes his own death and is ready to show all of you, instead of some middle man trying to scare you. It gets strait to your inner soul. Next, we see Jason killing a girl. But this is in the timeline with Jason Goes to Hell. He was in hell. Why does hell look like Camp Crystal Lake? Well, it turns out this is Jason's everlasting dream. He just sleeps. He cannot die. But then what wakes him up movie after movie? His mother. His mother wants him to kill all the children for revenge. But Freddy misuses this, because in fact, Jason is asleep. So Freddy can manipulate that. So that's how Freddy gets him to awaken.

Freddy Krueger wants someone to make people afraid again, to make himself powerful again. Jason does this, and people are put in mental hospitals. They are given drugs. Two people soon escape, find out about the cover-up of Freddy Krueger, and soon figure out the Mental hospital was to help people forget about Freddy. The two people feel really bad about this, but don't understand it wasn't there fault. It was Jason's as well. But now, the attack is in full force. Jason starts to do what he is told too much, because he was told by his mom, and not Freddy himself. Thus, he does not know that he is just a pawn. Freddy gets angry at this...and the rest would be spoilers. 

This storyline reflects how Jason is just a child, and should not be taken abuse of even with his power of murder and immortality. It also reflects how Freddy would easily do that, with a one track yet smart mind, and a dark hole of a heart. Stirs out how the characters would mix perfectly. Conflict between a corrupt child, and a corrupt adult. In many ways, Jason is the ultimate victim of Freddy Krueger. Or so is he? Now *SPOILERS...BUT YOU SHOULD STILL READ* The movie finally shows how Jason drowned. Sure, he just drowned. And sure, the camp counselors were having $3X *cough*Public $3X?*cough*. But here it shows that it was, not bullies, but the entire camp calling him "freak show" and tossing him into the lake.

*SPOILERS NOT YET OVER.* See, this is how you portray a character. This shows just exactly how much of a child he was. He is just a kid, like you and me were. He was bullied, like you and me were. And unfortunately, it became fatal. Like you and me! *gets slapped in the face* okay. And he loved his mother, but his mother had supernatural powers, and a possible connection to The Devil. So she was able to call on her boy after trying to avenge him and getting her head chopped off. Thus, Jason was tied to an eternity of serving his mother to kill all teenagers of, not just CCL, but all of the world. Not only that, but it shows how stupid and selfish some people are. Seriously! DO YOUR FREAKING JOB! YOU BETTER BE READY TO PAY YOU MOTHER @-I'm not gonna censor it-FUCKING BITCHES!!!!

*SPOILERS OVER.* So, as you can see, the storyline easily gets 6/5. There's a little more reason as to why this later in the review. But what about the gore and slasher movie likeness? Well...the gore is freaking awesome. I don't care, there's so much blood and guts, and even LITERALLY A BLOOD BATH. If nobody has said that before they will be MANGLED by Skim "Bob" Joe. The jump scares, if you're not completely desensitized by watching screamers accidentally at the age of 6 like me, are pretty scary. But not so much that they over power the film. And the creep factor, while the lights are a little dark in some scenes, is not flawed one bit. It's not overtly well done, but it's all very, extremely creepy. The scare department gets 6/5. 

The directing and fight choreography, is like The A-Team (2010). You just have to let reality fly out the door, and it will be so freaking awesome of a fight!!!! I mean, it does look real fake some times...but that's fine! We got gas tanks flying like torpedos, we got giant nail thingamajigers that I'm too dumb to know the name of falling down into peoples bodies!!! We got beds being folded up while a person is still in it! WE GOT FREAKING PROPANE (PRO-PAIN) TRUCKS BLOWING UP!!!!! MACHETE VS. WOLVERINE CLAWS!!!!! IT'S FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!!...Anybody for Predator vs. Jason vs. Machete vs. Wolverine vs. Freddy vs. Pinhead vs. Ash vs. Alien?

Production value is awesome. While not looking like the Donald Trump film, it has the perfect modern look blended with the old costumes of the murderer's. It's like saying "We're at the end of the road here, but let's give you one hell of a fight" visually. The actors, first of all for Freddy and Jason, are masterful. There's no question. Robert Englund, and whoever played Jason. They're both just masters. But the kids and regular adults, they are the perfect archetypes for characters in a FT13TH or ANOES film. (Those are some interesting acronyms.) The music isn't the best choice...ah @#$% it, it is. It's flipping awesome. I don't care what you say. It's awesome.

I'm up to 10 paragraphs!!!! I told you I would do awesome reviews for my favorite films!!!!! (Note to self: re-do Alien Resurrection, Iron Man 2 and Prince of Persia reviews.) The cinematography is nothing to praise with words, yet definitely something with effort. Something special, not just putting a camera in front of the a person's face. Now let's talk about the writing. This is the one thing they could have improved on. While the story still gets the 6/5 it deserves, the dialogue feels a little bit forced. Trying too hard to resurrect Freddy's comedian like attitude, and the teen's drive to do stupid stuffs. 

So that's Freddy vs. Jason! And at 11 paragraphs of a review, I think it's a freaking awesome film. But let's talk about one more thing before I give it the rating it deserves. *SPOILERS.* The ending is not only beautiful visually, but mentally. Where are they? I know it looks like a lake, but here's my perspective. Heaven. Yeah, heaven. Why? Jason finally fought for the innocent, instead of fighting for his mom and killing the innocent. His mother had killed many times before, and she wasn't the right one to defend. His mom was around 60 years old, she knew better and had done worse. The kids are just kids, and they're only doing these to damage themselves. Finally, after Jason fights for the innocent against the terror that is Freddy Krueger, he gets to heaven, instead of constantly being revived.

It's like God/Jesus/Allah/Zeus/Somebody-Really-Famous said, "you may enter, my son...you earned it." But wait a minute, Freddy's head is alive? Well, I hate to use what kind of feels like a Cop-Out, but since Freddy can use his supernatural powers in resting like states, it would seem that Freddy came along for the ride. The lake symbolizes escaping from the same cycle over and over. In fact, before the first fight between Freddy and Jason, Jason's mom vocally harasses Jason, and Jason puts his head down. This tells that he does not want to continue to do this $#!T, and just enjoy the life he always wanted...the after life. *SPOILERS OVER.* This movie, I still say, is overtly perfect. 6/5. 13 Paragraphs of a review. Sweetness.

And as much as I hate to talk about it, let's go to the conspiracy theory section. It turns out, that New Line Cinema was originally going to do Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash after this, and also a surprise ending with Pinhead in this movie. But they didn't have the licensing to do such a thing for either. The surprise ending would be Freddy and Jason in hell, and Pinhead saying "what seems to be the problem gentlemen?" Of course, two comic series would be released called "Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash." It would seem this was planned all the way through, through the evidence I've provided. And they would have done FVJVA, if they had got a hold of the character. And frankly, I'm glad they didn't, because this was the perfect ending to the series.

2005-Hellraiser: Deader was released. The title symbolizes how the idea for Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash was destroyed, and further the surprise ending for Pinhead. And of course, this would have lead to Freddy vs. Pinhead vs. Jason vs. Ash. This would have been the ultimate cash cow, but they decided to be honorable and leave it as it is. 

Although we need more freaking crossovers. Machete vs. Jason or Predator at least. Or, tell you what, Warner Bros owns Star Wars, Clash of the Titans, Freddy, Jason, Planet of the Apes, Predator, Alien, King Kong, Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, Flash, Wonder Women and all the other DC characters, and temporarily Godzilla. Is that not the perfect set-up for the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny live action? Alright, I'm done. Goodnight everybody, including Chavo Guerrero. I, Da Ca$hman singing off the Friday the 13th marathon.

*Gets stabbed by the whore called the Hollywood remake.*

Friday the 13th: Part 10: Jason X (2002)

Possibly the cheesiest Friday the 13th movie of all time. I mean, "WII LUV PRIE-MARRITABIBLE $3X!!!"

YEAH! LET DA BODIES HIT DA FLOOR! WHY DID THEY NOT USE THAT IN THE FILM?

That's gonna take off .1/5

That's not a good start.

But let's get on with it shall we, the soundtrack in here is not the biggest effect of this film. For the beginning, for 2002 standards (UNLESS THEY FREAKING USED SPIELBERG---OR P. JACKSON) it's beautiful. Later in the movie there is some pretty crappy CGI, but that is not a concern. This is not a CGI fest, and actually uses CGI to the only extent it's supposed to (JAMES CAMEROON I WILL KILL YOU). Just being there for stuff that would be extremely hard otherwise, but not stuff just to make it too easy. Make it reasonable, use the technology, but not like using the internet to download illegal films. That's why I buy DVD's. And on Platinum Edition none the less. *Audience*SELL OUT!!!*Audience*.

But then cheese hits the floor---or can only count to four. A Stone Cold look alike! A Stone Cold look alike! (No wonder they used a song used for a WWE PPV and TV show.) A Steve Austin look alike! And...he's actually pretty good. For a cheese actor...yeah, for a cheese actor. How well is this review going so far? *Agent whispers to Ca$hman's ears* "Sir, you are rambling more than Rambo can ramble a Ram." "But Chuck Norris can chuck a wood chuck and wood to Mars with his legs?" *Agent leaves the room in disgust of the immature-ness.* (Anybody looking at this on Amazon-save me the hate.)

This movie is going to be extremely referenced by me. Carbon Filtration Unit!!!!! We love pre-marital $3X!!!! Both those lines are said strait to Jason's face. The funniest thing ever. I love how Jason reacts. To the first one...he comes back to life. To the second one, he takes the two sleeping bags that the girls are in and beats one with the other. That shouldn't be funny...but it is. Sci-Fi and Horror bring a weird contrast throughout most of the film, like Turkey and Yogurt...in the end...it's distracting. But of course, in the last half hour, lemme just say that it turns to mostly Sci-Fi. The biggest problem this movie has is the lighting. Sometimes there's films well lit, but these are mostly drama. Sometimes, films that are action, or suspense, are not lit so well at all,

The first fight scene with the upgraded clone and Jason is cheesy, cliche, but extremely extreme awesomeness. As well as the build-up. Trying not my best to spoil anything, been kinda bad at that lately. I think if you've seen any other reviews for this film, or even the cover, you would know about Jason's new look. I don't think it's better than the original, but it helps the atmosphere and strength of Jason in this film compared to a hockey mask. Get with the times Voorhees! The famous Master Chief vs. Jason Voorhees scenes are very cool, but not epic in the slightest. They didn't know those scenes would become so famous at the time N.L. was making it. The ending is also cool as cliche.

The Rating for Jason X? Story telling is not available for this film. Sci-Fi and Horror aspects will be compared. Horror/Slasher- 4.5/5. We got people getting frozen in Liquid Nitrogen! Sci-Fi--Eh, 3/5. That averages to 3.75/5.

And of course, the Freddy vs. Jason conspiracy.

2002-This film, which is about people looking for trouble by researching Jason, and Hellraiser: Hellseeker was released. Hellseeker suggests someone seeking Hell, which is who the scientists are in this movie.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Guns, Germs and Steel: Episode 1: Out of Eden (199X-200X)

Because I watched it in Geography and it's long enough to be a movie.

First, let's get on the subject of the theory. If you don't already know, a man with the last name of Diamond went to Papau New Guinea and got asked by a man "why do you white men have so much cargo but we New Guniean's have so little?" In your head reading this review, the answer may seem easy. But can you actually say it? It isn't just as clean cut as you most people think "the USA hasn't given them enough support." The first part of the question was "why do you white men have so much cargo?" Why is that? Sure, we don't give them enough support, but how are we able to give that support in the first place? Can any of you answer? No, you can't. Most of you can't, anyways.

So what is the answer? It isn't the things in the title. They needed cargo to make. Was it food? To Diamond, yes. And I see what he is going for. His theory is the best I've heard. It's the fact that in Temperate climate zones have more protein (domestic animals, grain) and have easier storage systems. In the Tropics, we got Bananas in 100 degree weather! In temperate, you are able to store enough food to get other people working on houses and weapons. Sure, this isn't all of it, but it's a big chunk. We see it, tons of poor countries, are in the Tropics. It's not even a debate. There is South Africa and Saudi Arabia which are Temperate, but Mumbai (Bombay) is in the Tropics! 

But less the theory, more on how the theory and book are presented in motion form. Let's get some Negatives out of the way. Special Effects are way over used! For a purpose. But over used. Yali always appears out of nowhere to haunt your dreams like E.T. at night. (Speaking of which, E.T. The Extra Terrestrial? Redundant anyone?) Several trivial facts and crazy photos are distracting. (Pigs digging?) There are also some inacurracies, for instance, he over states the case of how plentiful food is in Papau New Guinea. He also states that several findings in the Middle East are damaged because of  "Moisture and Water!!!" (How much you wanna bet I'm gonna have a Top 10 Ca$hman @#$%-Ups after this?) Not to mention, there's some really bad proof viewing.

The film looks beautiful. Especially the re-inactment scenes. All I can say about them is that they are quality notch. Aaaaaaaaaaannnddd...that's it. The theory itself is the entertaining thing. So you could say this movie was useless and just a commercial for the book should have been made. WRONG! When you hear something being said in a lecture, and when you watch it on the History Channel, which are you more likely to believe? When things are put into moving pictures, so that it's just as visual as audible, we believe it most of the time. Unless it's something ridiculous like a 3-Headed Golden Lightning Breathing Dragon in Tokyo, Japan. (There goes Tokyo.) So, in the end, not my favorite educational movie, but one that definably needed to be made.

The Rating? Eeehhh...it's a...3.2/5

Friday the 13th: Part IX: Part 9: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

Really? From now on there will be 6 days in a week and 4 days in a school week???....Sweeeet.

In the opening scene, it not only re-captures the original suspense of the first, but also puts a new spin on it. Why is this so? Sean S. Cunningham. The creator of the original came to produce this film. No, he wasn't the director like the trailer says, he was producer. All I can say is, he must HAVE BEEN PISSED when they made Jason X. Unless he knew about the Freddy vs. Jason conspiracy, which we will DEFINABLY finally talk about. I've been wanting to unload this $#!T for so long on today's pop culture. (Yeah, I'm talking to you Jake.) But what am I doing about a film that was released...10 years later? Let's get on the review.

Jason's appearance is cool, and more freaky then the classic Jason, but is also kind of wrestler like. I don't care though, I like it. Just saying some of you might not like it. The appearance of Jason that is. Oh, and did I forget? Wasn't Part 8 the end of Jason? Well...this sort of ignores a good amount of Friday the 13th continuity for the sake of current story. And according to this, each film could have had a different...*SPOILERS* a different body for Jason, as well as even different bodies throughout one film. Although the second prospect is highly unlikely. *SPOILERS OVER.*

The people got really creative, I commend the script writers for breaking so many rules of Friday the 13th, and instead creating something completely new. Specifically, I'm talking about the close to opening scene where the dude eats Jason's heart. Crazy Bat $#!T. Also, because they broke enough rules, they were able to explain exactly what is Jason...and more. Much, much more is left to the brain. But more to talk about that later. Not to mention, the gore is friggin' sweet in this film. We got people cut in half (while having $3X may I add), we get people getting necks smashed in cars, it's all crazy fun. I sometimes wonder if I even should be watching this stuff though.

Now, it's time for MOER SPANIARDS *gets slapped in the face by a Spanish English teacher.* Sorry. *SPOILERS...WELL NOT REALLY* There is a scene where the main character reads The Book of the Dead in the Voorhees house. Again: A MOVIE THAT HAS JASON, THE BOOK OF THE DEAD AND *gets slapped in the face by George Bush.* Hey, hey, I will say so later. *SPOILERS...WELL NOT REALLY OVER.* I'm getting slapped a lot today ain't I? The music is friggin sweet...that's just it. The music is sweet. I will say the only real negative is that the final feels very loosely written. While creative, it's not quite so tight. I suspect a college graduate with Aspergers wrote this...which I don't mind at all. It's awesome.

Some scenes do repeat though. Which can make it someone boring. But who cares. The rest of the movie is awesome. It's like going through a dream, really. It's very surreal. (Don't all New Line Jason films feel like that?...In fact, don't most New Line films feel like that?) Now, time to talk about the ending. There is controversy surrounding it, and it is a double ending, but I think they pulled it off pretty well. Some aspects are distracting, but it's a very great climax for what the situation was up to that point. It was FREAKING AMAZING...for what they had to work with.

But now...it's time we talk about the Freddy vs. Jason conspiracy. I'm just gonna say right now, that I'm gonna give it a rating right here, and the rest will have spoilers. So, the rating? For a slasher film, it actually does fair decently. 3/5 in the slasher aspect. Storytelling is so awesome, 5/5. So it averages to 4/5 (same as Manhattan? Is there a reason?) 

Time for some history. The original was based off a book, I already told you that. Let's get to some facts.

1981- Two films released that year are Friday the 13th: Part 2 (which was a cash grab to continue the series) and The Evil Dead.

2007 through 2008 - The comic series of Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash is released.

1984- Two films released that year are Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and A Nightmare on Elm Street. This is interesting because it is the beginning of Freddy and the "end" of Jason.

1985-Two films released that year are Friday the 13th: Part V: A New Beginning and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's revenge. This is interesting because it is the "vengeance" of the main villain in each film. Also, 2 takes place five years after the first one, even though it was made just a year later. Same with Part 2 of Friday the 13th. 

1987 - A film released this year is A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 - Dream Warriors. It took an extra year to make this, as with the next film. Not to mention, Evil Dead II was released, the number resembles the number of years that did not have a FT13TH film in the 80's. Not to mention, on September 11th of this year, by NEW WORLD PICTURES, Hellrasier was released. (Compare to New Line Cinema and New World Order for 9/11.)

1988 - Friday the 13th: Part VII: The New Blood. This film involves a psychic, and NOES 3 suggests people who can control dreams. (Though I haven't seen it.) Also, NOES has followed English/Arabic numbers so far. Then, ANOES Part 4: The Dream Warrior was released. Again suggesting a single person with special abilities to fight the villain. And again, Hellbound: Hellraiser II was released. Suggesting a single person as the subject this time.

Two years after Jason Takes Manhatten (1989) (the number of years that did not see a FT13TH film in the 80's) they release ANOES: Freddy's Dead which resembles Jason Takes Manhatten, and another film that would take the extra years to make 4 and 7...this film.

In 1992 Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth was released. This movie was in between the "ending" movies of the NOES and FT13TH franchises. Hell on Earth suggests the end of Earth. The tag line states "What started in Hell ends on Earth."

And whaddya know? At the end, Freddy's hand comes out of Hell and grabs Jason's mask. Also, Army of Darkness was released the same year, ending the Evil Dead series.

1996- Hellraiser IV: Bloodline was released. The last Hellraiser movie released in theaters. The end of the theatrical Hellraiser films in other words. This was 3 years after Jason Goes to Hell and 5 after Freddy's Dead, the number of movies that were in the Hellraiser series before and after the movie was released.

2000-Hellraiser: Inferno was released. It was the first film to be released strait to video for Hellraiser, and in the first year of the millennium. 

2002-The next film and Hellraiser: Hellseeker was released. This will be discussed next.

See any parrallels? This will be discussed more another day.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Friday the 13th: Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Alright, time for some...fun??

This trailer (from my website)...this trailer represents Jason in a new place. He looks at with confusion, with sadness, with....HATE. Ain't nobody gonna stop Jason!!!!!!!...Or will they?...Alright, time for a little backstory. Paramount Pictures was done with Jason Voorhees for good. They figured if they continued, it would be 80's style films in the 21st century (not a bad idea nowadays.) They figured we would go to Friday the 13th: Part 9000: SOMEBODY BETTER GET HAPPY!!!!!!!!! So, they decided to take him out the right way. It was 1989, the finishment of the 80's. (Yeah, I said finishment.) Now, Jason was ready to go somewhere he would never go before. But would it foreshadow what happened in real life? This gets into the conspiracy that Freddy vs. Jason was planned from the beginning, but let's talk about that later.

So how does this movie fair? Well, it starts with something very unusual. In fact, the whole formula for a FT13TH movie is not followed that well, partially because Jason travels in this film. The introduction, however, is a completely broken commentary on how New York City lives. Just...trust me. But it does set a tone, saying "we're going somewhere new people." Or say "the final Jason." By now, true Jason fans were used to everything about Friday the 13th...but was to come. In fact, some say that NYC represents where the series went. I mean, we went from a serious horror film about a mom who had lost her child and vowed revenge, to JASON FIGHTING A PSYCHIC? As much as I loved New Blood, it needed to be put to rest. And what better way then to go the craziest route yet.

At first, you feel like the film is going to be extremely cheesy fun. Jason gets re awakened by lightning *cough*PARAMOUNT, HOW MUCH LIKE FRANKENSTEIN DO YOU THINK JASON IS!!!*cough*. Then, he pulls out not the heart, not the brains, not the intestines of a teenager...but what I think is an appendix!!! And I'm just like "...worst Friday the 13th special effect ever. I love it." For a good amount of time, the film remains cheesy. Usual teenager stuff, dealing with the popular peoples, people addicted to just about anything, whether it be their passion of career, drugs, etc. And of course, the evil dads. But it actually turns out to be a scary horror film, with a Metroid style feeling. Basically, Jason says "You guys are dead and there's nothing you can do about it." Technically, they could have called for aerial assistants. 

And in this film, you want certain people to live, and certain people to DIE. And, awesomely enough, your wish is granted....sort of. Oh, and if I didn't mention it, this film mostly DOESN'T take place in Manhattan. (STRIKE!) It takes place on a boat. *cough*I'M ON A BOAT!*cough*. And if calls for a great Metroid feeling of loneliness. Only you and other people just as strong as you haft to face an immovable object with no chance for help. I can't explain it well enough. Most likely because I was watching this at 9:30 P.M. after a really long day. We should have the whole month of October off of work and school. 

Anyways, the kills are so awesome. Just, awesome. Gory and crazy. Just how you love these kills. Of course, one of the most famous is where Jason chops a guys head off and it falls off a roof. That just tells you something! But you've heard enough about how scary and how slashey it is. What about the story? Well...ugh...I...ugh....*crawls under his bed*HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! Okay, for serious. There is a REALLY freaky scene that *SPOILERS* is where the character is driving a police car, there's music, it's fast, and all of the sudden the music just stops. It then goes by still pictures showing the girl running over Jason as a child. And Jason just stares and stands...it is the freakiest moment in all of Friday the 13th Paramount besides the original's ending. *SPOILERS OVER.*

And that's where it comes down to. This is my favorite Friday the 13th film besides the original. In fact *SPOILERS* Jason in child form makes several appearances throughout the whole film attacking the same girl. He appears as a ghost, as some sort of demon through a portalX5 through a mirror and holly $#!T. *SPOILERS OVER.* The storytelling in this film, while not that obvious, is the best since the original. And of course, the kills are as awesome as he11. You can tell where this is going. The funniest moment is where Jason sees a poster with a hockey mask, and him and the poster are compared. Just...awesome. It wouldn't be funny if it weren't for the fact it's a psychopathic killer who's having A Big Lipped Trumpet Playing Starving Children Opus Face Moment.

Also, this movie is incredibly fast paced compared to the other FT13TH films. Also, also, also, also. CAN I EVER STOP STAYING ALSO? This is patially because of the fact that the characters are NOT annoying, except for the ones that are meant to be annoying (whom die quickly.) And of course, to be a good film about New York City, you need a realistic interpretation of the raccoon trash can named The Big Apple. Check and Mate. And if all this isn't an overload of awesome, Jason's face is a acid trip destruction of Jar Jar Binx and Oscar the Grouch. I know that doesn't sound scary...but it is. (Is this review resembling my To Kill a Mockingbird review at all?) 

The ending scene... I can't explain it. The only way I can explain is that Jason finally realized there's more to life than to mindlessly kill over vengeance. And he...I'm not gonna spoil it. It's beautiful. Oh wait, was that the ending? I can't remember...yeah. That was the ending. Or was it? Look, it was 10:00 P.M. alright? 

Time for the victim. The slasher aspect? 4.5/5. The story telling aspect? 4/5. It averages to 4.25/5, but is reduced to 4/5 for not taking place in Manhattan that much. It's so awesome though, that I wish I didn't haft to do that. 

I, Da Ca$hman signing off...

Coming Soon...Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (???)

Friday the 13th: Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

I told you so!

 

Well, what have we come to. Just when I thought all Friday the 13th movies were going to be all predictable, and just all mindless slasher films, as fun and awesome that is, with a side of awesome storytelling................FINALLY SOMETHING SCARY!

Okay, now lemme just clarify something. 2-6 were scary for there time, but the first was so extremely scary even for today's audience. This is what I want. An actual attempt at scaring people! Though I do love being grossed out, and having an awesome story, a horror films job is to scare the audience. If you wanted to do an extreme storytelling of Jason, WRITE A BOOK!!!...Or they've done that haven't they. But I gotta get writing my fan fiction! I love the wonderful story of Friday the 13th and it's sequels, but when to much of an emphasis is put on it, and not enough is put on scaring someone...so many complications. Look, what I'm trying to say, is this is an innovative Friday the 13th film.

It took the next step, from the cheesy techno gore and $3X ages of the 80's, to a future...a future of Tom Savini class make-up. A future of atmosphere and fog. A future of a...a Saturday. While the first 6 repeated Friday the 13th, this is truly the next sequel. The first 6 were just chapters in one big story. Here, we finally have a sequel. A sequel in a spiritual sense. Only Jason lives from the other films, and it's set a long time after the events of six. It's a true sequel. Again, the first six...were just chapters. Not only that, but this is where things got crazy. Here, we got a telekinetic girl vs. Jason! Then, New York City! Then, Hell! Then, SPACE! Then, ELM STREET! AND THEN, AND THEEEEEEEN....a remake? We will discuss that later.

Well, I've told you that this movie is crazy, but also atmospheric. In this movie, like the original, you feel there is a real danger. In part IV, it's innovation was introducing an important character other than Jason for the first time since the original. In Part V, it's innovation was not having Jason as the killer for the first time since the original, and going into the mythology of Jason way more than the others dared to. Now, Part VII, is innovative for getting ball$ to the walls. Don't get me wrong, I love the storytelling of the first six. And I understand that 2-6 were scary for there time. But it's Night of the Living Dead vs. Dawn of the Dead. Part II-VI vs. Part VII. Can it age well? Yes.

I mean, you get the feeling this film is cutting the crap with the introduction! NOW THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW THEY WERE MAKING THIS MOVIE! Not just making a movie. MAKING A MOVIE!!! CAPITALS MATTER KIDS! The idea of having a disturbed teenager, and I mean disturbed. Tommy was Bad@$$. Tina's disturbed. The idea is awesome, because we've all been there. We've all said things we wish we hadn't said, we're all freaks in our own eyes. Anybody who says they're perfect, well, aside from lying to themselves, is gonna get killed by Jason ala Voorhees. The only bad thing I can see about this film is that gore is even more lacking than Part 6. It's okay though, the atmosphere and make-up deliver. (More and more trying to be like Frankenstein?) 

*SPOILER ALERT* Let's just say for the first time, we are able to see Jason's emotions. *SPOILER ALERT OVER.* New Rules: #12: Don't pay any attention to animals, especially black cats. #13: Don't confuse Jason for someone else, or vice versa. Well, final verdict. Yes, the storytelling as far as Jason doesn't really advance. Yes, the gore is pretty lacking. Yes, the atmosphere is just as great as the classic monsters films from the 30's. Yes, there's fog. Yes, Jason looks awesome *SPOILER ALERT* without his mask. *SPOILER ALERT OVER.* Fred Fred Burger. I recommend you check this out, and you wanna know why? Because it's not a typical slasher. It's not just fun. It's creepy, scary, and awesome. For 1988 anyways. But it's close enough. Closer than 1981!

Also, notice they took another year to prime this film. The Rating? I won't be comparing this as a slasher movie, because it tries to abandon the slasher feeling. Rather, it is a true horror film. And as a horror film, it's gets a solid 3.8/5. As a storytelling device, and not one just about Jason, it would get 3.5/ But it gets a boost for being actually relatable. 4/5. So that averages to 3.9/5.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986--Re-review.)

Back in the early days of the site...I made a review for the sixth Friday the 13th film. It was short, ramblish, paragraphs only consisting of 2 lines, and a forced opinion. Now, full rage will be unleashed on FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART VI: JASON LIVES!!!!

First, lemme clarify something. I said that I personally skip $3X scenes. This does NOT mean I don't like $3X. $3X is AWESOME. But it is distracting. This is what happens--- You got Jason killing people and there's blood BONER. That's how the $3X scenes feel to me. Now, onto the review. First, let's get through some negatives. Tommy's actor isn't nearly as great as the first one. It's between 50-70 awesome points less. The kills are quick, and only some of them are gory. That automatically takes 1 star out of the rating. Also, a plot hole is that they dig up Jason in a grave? Why? Because his body was cremated, as to the story of the fifth one, which otherwise this film seems to agree with.

Also, they lost out on a HUMONGUS opprotunity to make Tommy the killer, and create more and more great stories. But nope, just cop-out and bring Jason. Tell ya what, I'm gonna remake FT13 6-12. Jason has been credited as a creative killer. Here, most of the kills are creative, but some of them are just "he needs to die, kill 'im." There's also pointless chase scenes between the cops and Tommy, when we obviously know he's gonna get arrested. The dialogue also sometimes feels forced. Now that we've got those nit pickings out of the way, let's get on to the positives.

First, this movie obviously introduced the Friday the 13th remix of "The Man Behind the Mask." Which is absolutely AWESOME!!! I can't express how much I love Techno from the 80's. (I'm an old school listener and movie watcher, even though I'm part of Generation Z and not X.) There's a new rule implanted to, #11: Don't listen to music. Most people will say the next positive is a negative, but, I think it's a positive. This film pokes fun at it's viewers. Such as the line "some people have a weird idea of entertainment." And "adults think it's funny to get scared." (Now, teenagers like it as well.) And, there's a card game that somehow decides where Jason Voorhees strikes next. Most likely that's how the writers of the series picks the kills, and false climaxes. I don't have a problem with that, it just seems like that would be the case.

Also, there's a nice little tribute to Frankenstein in this film. It's the lightning scene, and I find that cool. I've always been able to connect Frankenstein to Jason. Or, Frankenstein's Monster should we say? (More on that in a YouTube exclusive video within November.) Also, when the paintball players wear the head band that says "DEAD DEAD DEAD" etc. It kind of shows just how predictable the series has become. Either that, or the writers were trying to make it WAY too easy. Also Also Also.

So once again, the story telling is fantastic, the characters are forced, the kills are awesome, $3X...just $3X. Overall, a pretty decent entry in the series. It's fun...just really fun. The idea that Jason needs to go back to the Lake to find his final resting place would be awesome...except for the fact that he wakes up again...except for the fact that's not his resting place. His resting place was a graveyard. That's where he wanted to be buried. But they put him back in the place that started all the horror. Still, Tommy understands Jason more than any other person. They should write a book analyzing Jason Voorhees. I think I'll do that. I just hope nobody says I'm ripping off the book, or that I'm naive for not knowing about the book.

Oh, you didn't know Friday the 13th was based off a book? Well, here's the Amazon link: 

http://www.amazon.com/Friday-Thirteenth-Novel-Classic-Reprint/dp/1451013833/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1287286813&sr=1-1

The Rating for 6? As a storytelling device, on the outside, it's a 3/5. On the inside, it's 4.5/5. Slasher aspect would normally be 4/5, but since the kills were wimpy, it's 3/5. So the equation goes 3.75/5. So I guess it really was that good to a certain degree after all. But, this review is an improvement on the original review.

Friday the 13th: Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

I quote the director (from a documentary.) "Friday the 13th: The FINAL---how much money did it make? No no, we meant the final movie for that year. Not the final Friday the 13th movie ever." *THEATRICAL TRAILER CONTAINS SPOILERS.*

*READ THESE PARAGRAPHS BEFORE WATCHING THE MOVIE*

But is this a cash cow? A cash cab? A Cashman? None of them. Sort of. The first one was a masterpiece, enough said. The second one tried to re-capture the magic of the original. It failed. But it was still a decent slasher flick. The third one was just a cash grab. Finally, the next director realized they needed more time to tend to such an extremely awesome storyline, and came up with The Final Chapter. But now, our expectations were at a steady level, not creating biases. Perfect time to make the second best FT13 movie of all time. Perfect time to bring out twist endings, extreme psyche grinding storylines, awesome kills, boobs, and everything else that makes a FT13TH movie, including the formula.

So I think I've got the formula all figured out. First: Show clips from the past movies (or at least the one before it.) Second: Introduce the characters. Third:  As you finish introducing the characters, implant both storyline and killing. Once those have implanted their tentacles, give 'em some $3X. And when they thought it was all fun and games, have a final scene where the last survivors find all the dead bodies. Then have a face off between the last humans and Jason Voorhees. Kill Jason, then revive him for a twist ending. Possibly show his face if the plot is appropriate for such. Read this paragraph if you never want to watch a FT13TH film. (I would call that unwise.) So what if it's predictable? It's a series!

But let's get down to the actual review. As you may remember from the fourth one, Tommy killed Jason at the age of 12. Now we venture 14 years later, and he is living at an Insane Asylum. Not only did he KILL somebody at the age of 12, but he also got on every drug for insanity there was known to man! So what does this create? A FREAKING BAD@$$!!! In fact, all the characters are awesome. Only Tommy do you feel is an important character/actor, but the other characters/actors are different then the usual stereotypical teens. Yes, they're horny, I GET IT. But they actually act realistic and insane, which creates a mood much more scary. You actually feel like this could happen to you...or worse.....your best friend.

Not enough people credit Jason for being an extremely creative killer. He doesn't just mash and slash, he's like Freddy Krueger mixed with Triple H mixed with a real serial[CEREAL] killer. He's a breed of killer we've never seen before. But notice the blue diamonds on his mask instead of red diamonds? That's an important piece. Jason is also an extremely awesome character. A lot of his past is left up to fan fiction, novels, and the fans themselves. It's pure genius to become a cult classic, a cultural phenomenon, and a money making madhouse! And they throw little hints at his past, just to make people more motivated to write about Jason and make the creators a little extra cash. IT'S PURE ECONOMIC GENIUS!!! Did they know that they would get a bad reputation...he11 how would I know?

And about that story. Going into the psychology of Tommy was risky business. Not having as much of a focus on Jason would disrupt the common flow of fanatics who had followed the series up to this point in time. They took risks for the purpose of keeping the series fresh[FLESH], and trying to slowly and painfully remove the series from Jason Voorhees. Trust me, they were feeling pain in their wallets, but they needed to keep the series fresh to be rich in the long run. Unfortunately, like Halloween III (which was also an unfortunate story), that did not go well with most fans and...next movie I'll talk about it. But this was an innovative moment in the series, which I commend for. It's still got the kills and boobs though.

In most FT13TH movies, there are quite a few characters. But here, you feel like they are creating characters like a 11 year old with his hands on Smackdown vs. Raw 2009. It's okay, because as they constantly introduce characters, they still keep the story telling fresh and psyche grinding. The top notch Bi-Polar feel of the film is okay even though intrusive, keeping a realistic feel telling us that this is what happens when you feed a stoner scrambled eggs. And in 8, this is what happens when you feed unknown Christian socks scrambled Flowbodough. You get the picture, it's much more out of the box then some other previous installments. *cough*WHY 3-D WHY?!?!*cough*. 

See, this is when you know a movie IS the rock and the hard place. When I have this many paragraphs for such an underrated film. (It's 10:36 P.M. on Friday, gimme a break.) Anyways, while Jason runs amok Tommy is sitting in an Insane Asylum, because his parents didn't know how to take care of him. How do you like that? This teaches kids to get therapy and not drugs. Or at least, therapy first. Thus, people are getting killed and Tommy can't stop him. Oh, and of course, I have new rules. Rule #8: Do NOT take a dump/crap/$#!T. Rule #9: If you go out in the woods, please, oh please, DO NOT SING. Lots of tribute is paid to past films, such as TTCM, other FT13THS, The African Queen (or Creature From the Black Lagoon, IDK which, if any.)

Alright, 7 paragraphs. That should hold you over a bunch. But there a few paragraphs left, THAT SHOULD ONLY BE READ AFTER WATCHING THE FILM.

 

So yeah, Jason Voorhees isn't technically in this film. But here's how I see it, 'cause it really ain't a cop-out. Tommy wasn't aware of Jason trying to kill people. He finally finds out, and feels that he has been lazy and not done what he was supposed to do. He finally tackles Jason, but in a peaceful way. But because this isn't the real Jason, he doesn't understand such an idea. Tommy gets devastated, and he kills Jason in revenge. But there is a void. That void was what was eating at him all the time. He cannot live without an enemy, a Jason to his Tommy. Jason's soul, reaching from he11, passes on his mask. Mrs. Voorhees, Pamela, passed on her terror to Jason. Now, Jason feels for Tommy. He understands what he is going through, because they are the same. At a very early age, they went through terrible trauma, and became mad men. Tommy picks up the Jason mask, with Jason knowing Tommy loved masks so much, and starts to kill everyone.

NOW DOESN'T THAT SOUND FREAKING EPIC?

Point in case, the story easily deserves a 5/5, and the slasher aspect is an easy 4/5. So that averages to an easy 4.5/5.

I, Da Motha Faukan' Ca$hman signin' OAUFF!!! (Having a bad moment there, don't repeat any of that sentence.)

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Now THIS is what I'm talking about.

This is the first movie to fill all the cliches and requirements of an awesome cheesy Slasher film from the Friday the 13th series (aside from the original, which was a Masterpiece). Not just cheesy, but awesome cheesy. There is a HUGE difference. It's like The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms vs. From Hell it Came! But first, let's go over a little bit of suspicion history. Friday the 13th was a masterpiece. From what I can tell, Part 2 was just an instant cash grab. You saw my review, but it was a Cash grab. With an RT rating of 33% and Roger Ebert giving a horrible review, they needed a new situation. 2 was a commercial success, so they made a 3-D version that was even worse. Obviously 3-D was to icing the $#!T Sunday. 

3-D of course, got the second highest score of money in the series. (Which means, only the original got more money.) But when they gave the next film to Joseph Zito, he understood that Jason's last film (supposedly) was meant to be taken with care. Thus, production time was a year more than the others. And the result, while not being nearly as great as the original, nor being the best villain on the loose dead teens movie, was an awesome Guh-Bye to one of the best Slasher villains ever. So what is exactly making this film an awesome cheesy Slasher film? 

Requirement #1: Awesome Kills. Check and mate! Requirement #2: Some drama but not to much that it bores the audience. Check. (Not mate.) Requirement #3: Rules 1-7 are used, and new rules are used...to the extent of a one and a half hour film. Check. Requirement #4: Characters you actually like but not like so much that you don't wanna see them get killed. Check. Requirement #5: Hot Girls. Check. But there is also one other requirement to make a masterpiece like the original: Psyche Grinding storyline. Check...sort of. Watch it until the end, and you will see what I'm saying. It's a bit of a cop-out, but it passes to meet that requirement in a "what if" situation. 

Not to mention, the storyline is actually in tact. I think the last two had storylines, but not ones that were detectable. Remember how I said "BBQ Steak vs. BBQ Ham Sandwich?" Well, this ain't BBQ Steak. (Ain't is a word in Microsoft Word.) But this is Steak. Just...steak. STEAK IS AWESOME! WHY ARE YOU NOT EATING STEAK AT THIS VERY MOMENT? 3-D was just a Ham Sandwich. Here's what I don't understand: with all things met to make an awesome cheesy Slasher film, with Psyche grinding story, why did this get negative reviews to? Oh well, I guess opinion is opinion.

There's tid bits here and there that I could share with you, that are just meant for top 14 Friday the 13th moments. One more thing....Jason's face in this movie is freaking amazing. 3-D had a horrible face. This has a great face.

The Rating? 3.78/5. (Averaged out between Typical Slasher film and sequel.) (And hey, this review is bigger then the one below it.)

Friday the 13th Part 3-D (1982)

It's complicated in a very Jason way.

The first hour is completely lame. No gore, and virtually no kills. Very little Jason. It's all Elementary School level drama. The bully to get attention situation. WE SAW THIS WHEN WE WERE 8, WE WANT SOME STEAK NOT BABY MILK!!!! Fortunately, the last 35 minutes include some awesome as he11 kills. In one scene *SPOILER ALERT* We see Jason slice his machete through a dude's upside-down body!!! *SPOILER ALERT OVER.* This also has the cheesiest soundtrack ever, a huge downturn from the original. The movie is also very random. Roadkill and hippies coming out of nowhere. Scenes are just placed wherever. Oh, and did I forget to mention it's in 3-D?

The 3-D WOULD be better than Digital 3D if it weren't for the fact that it's cardboard glasses that are square. So, my prescription glasses made the movie way less entertaining. It was so distracting. Now, you're probably screaming at the screen "CHANGE IT TO 2D! DOESN'T THE DVD HAVE THAT OPTION?" Well yeah, it does. But I wanted to experience it the way the creators meant it to. BTW, at 23:25, you can see Jason's silhouette hidden on the van door. Also, Jason is weak in this film! YOU DON'T DO THAT! You can make him human (sort of) to damage. But don't make him weak! Not Jared from Subway nor God, he is Andre the Giant of Slasher Films! 

And the rules. This is the film where #1 evolved into taking a shower. It's debatable about a new Rule #7: Don't get in a car. But it definably was created through the rest of the series, especially in Part VI: Jason Lives. The ending, I don't think it really can be spoiled. But don't read the next sentence if you think. It's a blatant rip-off of the original with Jason's mom. But here's the thing: MRS. VOORHEES DID NOT @#$%ING DROWN!!! And with the original already got me by the B@11$, it definably doesn't have the same effect. And here's a question: what about Jason's father? With the cheap cheap cheap cheap shot shot shot shots that this has taken to the series, could we please see that? Are we gonna see it in another part? Tune in next time!

The Rating? Well...the first hour gets a 1/5. The last 1/3rd gets a 3.6/5. This averages to 2.05/5. And that last .05 gets taken out with the annoying 3-D glasses (for my personal experience.) But since other people view the movie, it all averages out to an extremely complex 2.025/5!!!!

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Is it the Phantom Menace story? Is it the Jaws 2 story? Or is it just the Friday the 13th Part 2 story?



You know those days when you eat so much good food, and then you haft to fast the next day? Of course you don't, you're not Jewish, like me. But you get the idea. The original Friday the 13th was Steak lathered in BBQ sauce. This is simply a BBQ lathered ham sandwich. But the thing is, what if you got told you were gonna have another Steak lathered in BBQ sauce after you had one the day before? And then it turns out to just be a BBQ sauce dipped ham sandwich? Would that be pretty disappointing? Point in case, after re-watching one of the utter masterpieces of film called Friday the 13th, I had high hopes for this film. I expected a continuation of the story. I expected a sequel. I didn't expect it to be as good, but I expected it to dig into the psychology of Jason, like the first did with his mom. And it does happen, but rarely. I can see the artists trying to give fans a chance to choose what Jason is for themselves, but that doesn't make up for the other problems.

The kills. Remember I said the original was just the right amount of blood? Dipped? Not soaked? Well, here it's not even dipped. Just a little bloody cherry on top of an $3X Cream Sunday. There's way too much $3X in this film, compared to the first one. See where I'm getting at? The cliches started with Part 2. Speaking of which, Rule #6 on how not to get killed by a Voorhees: Do NOT get Naked. No matter how $3XY you feel, DO NOT get Naked. Even if it's necessary, DO NOT. And if you do get Naked, PLEASE, DON'T GO SWIMMING!!! Which reminds me. In the original, we were sympathetic with the killer, but we still wanted the girl to win. We felt Mrs.'s pain, but we also knew she was a psycho path. Also, the girl is completely innocent. Here, we wanna see teenagers get mangled! They've been having too much $3X!!!

My point is, I didn't expect the cliches to kick in quite this fast. But another thing, it does try to re-capture the tension building of the original. But it doesn't do it right. It does it strait from the start. No. You let us get attached to the characters, understand their mentality, THEN you give us legitimate jump scares. Not pointless jump scares, but ones that say "MY GOD! HOLLY $#!T JASON'S COMING!!!" Not "My GOD, Holly $#!T, Jason's coming,,,." (I meant to have it four commas.) Here, the jump scares are still legitimate, but you don't care as much. Even the ending scare is synthetic. But, the real point, is that it's too much like the original. It's not a sequel, it's a re-imagining. CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SOME FAIR WARNING? Please. The only warning I see is the F.B.I. WARNING. WARNING. I love how that looks in caps. WARNING.

The other thing it does extremely similar to the first is not show Jason until the end. That would be fine and awesome if we didn't know it would be Jason, but since it's obviously Jason from the dialogue, JUST SHOW HIM GOD D@M IT. So overall, it's the start of the cliched slasher style Friday the 13th's. The original was a masterpiece, as it all goes down hill from here. But it's fun if you don't have high hopes. Next up, I prepare to go to the third demension, 3-D!!!

But, Part 2 gets a...as a sequel, it is 2.8/5. As a slasher typical film, it gets a 3.8/5. So it averages out to 3.3/5

Friday the 13th (1980)

The first time I saw this, I was like, pretty awesome, 4.5. Now that I look at it with a more mature mind, I say, ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER MADE!!!!



...I just had an injection of epicness, and now I went into shell shock.

From start to finish, this movie has just about everything you would expect, and everything you wouldn't expect, out of a slasher film. Welcome to Friday the 13th A-Thon, during the whole month of Halloween. What is really great about the whole movie, is the sense of mystery. Any time there's a kill, we see it in first person, so we don't know who the he11 is the killer. Probably most of you would know, but I'm gonna not spoil in until I have to. You wanna know, yet you know it's better if you don't know. But that's the awesome part. It makes you want to keep watching the movie, that's what a good movie does!! And when you actually find out who the killer is, man, are you in shock. And they do it such an awesome fashion, which I'm gonna try to not spoil, that you are just ready to get your adrenalin pumping!!!

But then, it does something you don't expect it to. Go Alien (1979) style, and have what 3-8 minute moments of tension building (which is extremely genius,) and then finally relieve you and make you think for just the right amount of time "it's safe..." and the BOOMZA!!! Something scary comes out. And it's not just something stupid, it's someone who's been killed most of the time. Not the killer. But sometimes it is the killer, but it's done extremely well. Not to mention, even watching the Unrated version, it's not blood soaked like people make it out to be. Rather, it is just blood dipped. Like a DQ Ice Cream Cone with Chocolate. It doesn't over-power the substance, but there's just enough to make you want it every time you go to Diary Queen. And, the creep factor. I swear to God, this movie is all in the dark. It is one of the creepiest movies I've ever seen. The Chi Chi Ha Ha. Perfection! This movie is so extremely awesomely epic epic of epicaheness on so many freaking levels!!!

It's got a great "camp" value. The characters aren't the chessyness though. No, the characters are actually extremely awesome (too bad I don't remember their names.) They're funny, they're likable, they're relatable, they're awesome. As you might of guessed, it's the dialogue. But not in the "so bad it's good" sense. More like the "so good it's bad" kinda sense. "Crocodile in the Cabinet." Such an awesome line. This movie has some of the best lines in all of cheesy horror movie history! But this isn't cheesy, this is a mysterious blood deep tension building creepy dramatic beautiful innovative significant MASTERPIECE!!!! (And not to mention it teaches you not to hitchhike.) Speaking of which, in that hitchhiking scene, it kills off the character we think is going to be the star (and I didn't spoil anything for you.) Just like A Nightmare on Elm Street (BOTH VERSIONS.) Not to mention, I never would have predicted a creepy stranger in such a campy car.

Most people think having $3X is a natural thing for a killer to put on his "MUST KILL" list. Nope, that is not the villains motivation at all. The $3X scenes are completely useless. (Which takes .05 points off.) (Or, as you would say, .1%) It does become a part of the movie though. These are the rules that you must follow in order to live. Rule #1: Don't wash anything in the sink (to evolve into don't take a shower.) Rule #2: Never Sleep. Rule #3: Don't have $3X. And Rule #4: Don't be in any position that might piss off the killer. (Like, if the villain once got abused by a Police Officer, don't be a Police Officer.) And Rule #5: When someone says they're a messenger of God, THEY'RE A FREAKING MESSENGER OF GOD!!! Onto the next part, do you ever notice that only one of the teenagers reacts to seeing her friends die before her eyes?

Also, would you expect a Slasher Film to have a freaking amazing score? It's two steps away from Phillip Glass standards. Just buy the soundtrack, if it's available. If it's not, screw Paramount, they didn't know what they were doing. There's a lot more I want to talk about, but I HAFT to save it for the next review if I wish not to spoil anything. So overall, this is A FREAKING MASTERPIECE. What a wonderful film, it will leave you shaken with shell shock, yet at the same time leave you with a new FREAKING PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE!!! 5.95/5!!!!