I, Da Ca$hman's Movie Reviews

U Can't Beat Me Man!

How will the hot stuff be organized?

Chronologically. You will see Psycho (1960) above Frankenstein (1931) say I ever do those reviews at some point.

Requests

They are available, however keep in mind I have my own schedules of movie reviewing and there are movies that I have reviewed on a now dead  YouTube Channel and some movies I have reviewed on my regular YouTube Channel. You may also post requests in Contact Us or the Request form on my YouTube Page.

Ratings System

Ratings tend to not be the best indicators of opinions - for a better understanding read the entire review. However, ratings are also quick. So here is a quick legend of what these ratings might mean. Note that if there are multiple options, these options can merge in the hurricane that is my mentality.vAll ratings are made with both objective quality of the movie and personal opinion in mind. Reviews are made looking for all aspects of the movies, however seeking the positives as a priority over the negatives. If my rankings were chosen with a different method, this list would be entirely different.

0/5 - Nothing going for this movie. Example: A.V.P.:R.-Un:R[4.0]]{BETA}

1/5 - Barely anything going for this movie. Example: Batman & Robin

2/5 - Option A. Overrated. Example: The Amazing Spiderman. Option B. Had a lot of potential but it didn't fall through. Example: Alice in Wonderland (2010) Option C. Nothing new, nothing special, and synthetic. Example: Dolphin Tale. Option D. At least they tried. Example: Alien 3

3/5 - Option A. Cheesy and Fun, the best and worst of Popcorn Entertainment. Example: Piranaconda Option B. Good, Okay, but nothing that I even recommend by any stretch of the imagination. Just check it out if you're bored to death. Example: Highlander

3.5/5 - Very good, enjoyable. It's a fun time, and I recommend it, but don't rush out to the theaters. Something you would rent on Netflix. Example: Dracula 2000

3.8/5 Close to awesome but just great. Example: Iron Man

4/5 - Awesome but not perfect. Example: Batman Returns

5/5 - Between 90% done overtly well or 95% done well. Example: Batman Begins

5.5/5 - 95% Done overtly well or 100% done well. Example - Return of the Jedi

6/5 - Beyond Perfection. 100% done overtly well. Example: Cloverfield

All decimals represent a space in between these ratings.

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COLOMBiANA (2011)

The last theatrical release of August I'm seeing.

Before I talk about the movie itself, I want to talk about how it was to go there. With Captain America, Cowboys & Aliens, and Rise of the Planet of the Apes (all films I have vastly different opinions on), I went there opening week on Tuesday for $5 (really cheap theater) and I ended up in Theater 3. Well, school is back in session, and I got to see this on a Sunday. It was the regular price, $8 (matinee, $10 for evening shows), but I got a free ticket with it (Regal Clown--err--Crown Club) so I think that makes up for that. But I ended up in Theater 2. That and the lukewarm reviews lately was not a good sign.

Judging by the trailers and Chris Stuckmann's review, I had mixed expectations. It looked like it was going to rip-off Machete and Salt (CA$HMAN U RACIST SEXIST BIGOTTTTT I WILL KEEL YOOUU!!!) and fail horribly at both. Maybe it was going to be good, maybe it was going to be bad, it had an equal chance at both, but no chance for greatness, a small chance at ultimate evil. Turned out it was not any but it was all but. It was really okay. But that's still later to come. Something else that happened was just a small but cool experiment I decided to do. When the little "Please silence your cell phones" screen came up - which is pretty calm and peaceful and Regal theaters - I decided to close my eyes until the Roller Coaster clip played (more exciting.)

It was a cool transition, almost trippy. Here's an idea of how it was:

After this clip, the theater dims 70%, and then they play this clip: (actual clip starts at 5 seconds, but you could figure that out)

I'll just let that speak for itself. Anyways, onto the actual Columbiana review.

I guess I should start off by talking about the title character, COLOMBiANA....*whisper whisper whisper* Say what? *whisper whisper whisper* You did where now? *whisper whisper whisper* I'm playing a different game? *you're going insane* WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S NOT HER NAME?!?!? Yes, if I'm not mistaken, the title COLOMBiANA holds no purpose whatsoever. And yes, like most Roland Emmerich films, I'm calling it by a case-sensitive name. Her name really is Cataleya, Cataleya Restrepo. You will probably never hear her last name, and I only know it because I logged onto Wikipedia because I would not know how to spell Cataleya.

She is probably the diamond in the ruff. That's not saying a ton. Zoe Saldana is actually a really good actor, being subtle when she needs to, and that's a big part of her character. She's very subtle, almost emotionless with her kills, and that we will get to later. When it's time for the emotional with her family, she's pretty corny. At the same time she doesn't know how to be emotional nor does she know how to CALM THE FUCK DOWN. I will admit, the one time in the movie when she cried pleased me. (No sexual joke intended.) In most movies, even the most emotional of events typically causes a light sob.

Here, she does what people would do in real life. Cry like hell, a river, going nuts, etc. Only in THE WORST POSSIBLE SITUATION TO DO IT. Her character is also written quite well. As I said, she is very subtle and emotionless in her kills, 100%. But there's always one line where she doesn't give any emotion, but the words are written just enough to tell you what she is thinking inside of her heart. Her romantic relationship with Danny, played by Michael Vartan, is crap. It's extremely abrupt, and I mean extremely. Scenes of her relationship will appear with no transition, and there is no build up for her character to have any relationship like this whatsoever.

They totally don't mix either. With about 1 scene together, 2 scenes on the phone, you don't feel a true relationship, and these two people just wouldn't be able to get each other in real life. Michael's character is not developed at all; and he is a stale, barely emotional actor. His dialogue is good, I guess, but he obviously doesn't care. Otherwise, most characters don't appear much. Amanda Stenberg plays young Cataleya, and she also doesn't care. She doesn't deliver her lines with any emotion at all, and I don't think this character is supposed to be a character void of emotion. She is a child actor, but C.'MON.

Yes, Cataleya is a strong female lead. She's extremely active - she's a vigilante and the main character after all. It's not like they didn't hire her not knowing she was hot. There are plenty of "hot shots," including a shower scene, and a skin-tight suit that she uses for assassinations. This is understandable for the situation, but it's there for sex too. Relax, feminists. Commando had Arnold Schwarzenegger being used for sex, does that make it sexist against men? No, so relax. What I'm really confused about is the lack of other female characters. There are two other female characters, each appearing for probably a maximum of 1 scene if you can call it that, and they don't play major roles in those scenes.

Okay, there are minor, minor appearances, but I'm not counting them since they aren't important to the plot. Oh, speaking of Cataleya in the past earlier ago, maybe I should talk about that section of the story. The first act is Cataleya as a 9 year old girl, and most of it is crap. How the fuck is a 9 year old girl trained to do those fucking stunts? Why did she just stab that dude? WHY DID YOU MAKE HER PUKE?!?! But just as it got good, when she told her uncle that she wanted to be a killer, WE GO TO ADULT CATALEYA. What? There's a lot of stealth elements, and I love it.

I don't know much about spy movies or stealth movies - I haven't seen a single James Bond movie -- General rule, if I should have seen it I haven't seen it --- but I do know I enjoyed the stealth scenes. There was a lot of tension in how she organized her kills, and I was always interested to see how it came out. Probably the best scenes of the movie are the stealth scenes. It was always a "oh my God how is she gonna get out of this situation" kind of thing. The premise is not much, just enough to get the movie going. I like where they went with it, but a bunch of other things hurt it.

Now let's talk about action. Most of the excitement that would come from video-game like action scenes in this type of movie come from the stealth scenes, which make it more solid, EEEESSPPECCCIIIAAALLLYY in today's current American Cinema Environment. Well, this movie is half French and takes place a little bit in Colombia but that's besides the point. What action scenes there are are not done that well. Either you don't even get to see them or they're too unrealistic to find good. One I'm thinking of is the chase scene I mentioned earlier. Again, how is a 9 year old girl able to train to do those kinds of stunts?

Another I'm thinking of is one of the battles close to the climax. Cataleya is facing, yes a guy with more muscles, probably equal speed, but also with less intelligence then her. It seems like a mixed, equal, and great opportunity for a fight, right? Well, instead they botch it BADLY. They just have the two fights panicking around the room, trying to find something to do (including grabbing a bathing cloth) and doing some really shitty editing to make it look like stuff is going on. Wow. The atmosphere is mixed bag, but all is bad. Either the "OH MAH GAWD EVERYWHORE IN SOUTH AMERICA IS CRIME RIDDEN" stereotype is being portrayed by the atmosphere or the atmosphere is just bland and not stylish at all.

Yeah, I'll say this much about the controversy. Movies do it all the time. They ruin images to countries, cultures, religions, sciences, arts, professions, people, and holiday figures. Do people complain most of the time? No, they usually praise the movie for other reasons. So why this movie? Because it has Colombia in the title? Ppph :p dumbasses. It is to be expected, not to be loved, but expected. There is no way to protest it, because without stereotypes 80% of screenwriters would not be able to write a script beyond 25 pages. You don't want movies the length of TV Episodes, do you?

Have I talked enough about this movie? Overall, this film is like Fast Five. It's extremely okay. I wouldn't recommend it but I don't regret going. No matter how specific you get about plot elements, you can always find better alternatives. It was a great idea with some really good elements but was botched horribly. 2.8/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

NOOOOOOO!!!!

Yeah, watch the movie and you'll know what "NOOO!!!" means. It's not a spoiler either. It's one of those things where if you know it's coming, it just makes it even more awesome. The original 1968 Planet of the Apes film holds a bit of my personal history. Along with James Cameroon's Aliens and the 1986 movie The Fly, Planet of the Apes was one of the first movies I watched that wasn't an Asian Monster Movie or Animated Film. (The reason why I say "Asian" and not "Japanese" is because Yonggary is a Korean film.) Let me tell you something. I still remember every single detail of Planet of the Apes like I saw it yesterday, but I haven't seen it since that faithful day who knows how many moons ago.

It is undoubtedly my film equivalent of Ocarina of Time. No, the two things aren't the same, but they hold probably the exact same type of place in my heart. Hmm...foreshadowing to a future marathon, maybe? Nah. Got a little too much on my plate already. The marathon that will take place after I finally finish the Monster Movie Marathon will span OVER THE ENTIRE FALL. (That should get you excited, right?) The ending of the original movie is one of the most historic scenes in cinema history, and is highly left up to interpretation. As you might expect, due to my love of the first film, I had my interpretation of the ending. What was that interpretation? We'll save that for the review of that movie, but I'll tell you right now it WASN'T this.

I haft to respect that due to the fact that it was left up to interpretation, if a director wants to re-enact HIS interpretation of the origin, that's fine. I was extremely worried how it would work though. In this review, I'm not going to spoil anything but the trailer and "NOOO!!!!" (Which isn't really a spoiler but whatever.) Even if they have intelligence that very much exceed humans of their respective ages, how in the holy hell are they gonna beat us without GUNS and TANKS and BOMBS?!?! Also, how in the holy hell are they going to get enough Apes? There can't be enough of the drug to fuel ALL of the world's apes, and even then, there's 7 Billion of us, and not even a billion of them.

But then when I read it was not directly a prequel to the original, but rather based on the prologue of the original 1963 novel, I thought two things. One: "NOOO!!! DON'T GIVE AN ABORTION TO MY MOVIE!!!" Two: "Hey, there might be a logical explanation in this thing." Then I read that this is setting up a reboot series, and then I thought "YOU WILL ALL DIE!!! YOU WILL ALL DIE!!! CURSE YOU 20TH CENTURY FOX!!!" I'm no expert on the medical field, far from it mind you, but the only thing I had to suspend my disbelief for is "Yes, that Gorilla really just got shot in the chest a dozen times and is completely undamaged."

*Audience*: "Ca$hman! What about the CGI?!?!?!" Didn't I tell you people that I don't critique CGI anymore? *Audience.*: "But Ca$hman!...ummm..." Yeah, yeah, I gotchya. The CGI is mostly great. The Orangutans and Gorillas I had almost no problems whatsoever. While all CGI models are extremely detailed, the Chimpanzees, especially Ceaser, do look really synthetic. No way did I ever believe that there was actually something in front of the camera, I knew it was a computer doing the work. But that didn't detract from my enjoyment one bit. Also, the way the apes move is extremely good on their own, however when interacting with real objects are kinda eeeh...

Most people are talking about how awesome Ceaser is, that he's one of the best characters...ever. Oh yeah, they're completely right. But there's a little something extra in there for me. If I was to be any Movie Character ever created, it would undoubtedly be Ceaser. Everything that I believe in was embodied in Ceaser, and I have not related to a character THIS GOOD...EVER. Most of the time, he's not talking. He has a couple of subtitled lines of sign language, and a couple*record skip.* *Jeremy Jahns*: "Ca$hman, don't spoil this movie!!!" K Jeremy. WAIT, JEREMY IS HERE?!?!

But when "those" happen, they are some of the most impactful lines of Dialogue...ever. Yeah, I would like to nominate this movie for best Dialogue of the year, not "Ever" due to the fact that all human character's dialogue is good to mediocre. In fact, maybe we should talk about the characters. All Apes are absolutely perfect. I have never seen someone who sees the same things I see in animals. I see them having deep thoughts, with no real way to express them, natural instinct taking over their bodies, and a lack of the human corruption that we have. It is captured perfectly in each and ever ape. Only, with the Orangutan and Ceaser, it is brought up to a level beyond most humans.

However, the human characters were average at best, mediocre at worst. A lack of development decreases investment, and with all humans having stereotyped and archetyped personalities - and I do mean 100% - I couldn't care about them. My biggest investment with the humans was wanting to see the world of humans collapse and see Nature's Justice take over again. EXCEPT. One character, who unfortunately doesn't get much time despite being a major character, was really good. Due to his lack of development and sudden changes in personality, we don't get to know him that well, but trust me, there's something.

Essentially, the father of the main character has Alzheimer's, and while there's a ton of room for improvement in portraying what Alzheimer's can do to a person, it really struck with me because I umm...used to know someone with Alzheimer's. Seeing what happened and how his son tries to help him is pretty good, but ABSOLUTELY -5 NOTHING COMPARED TO CEASER AND HIS APES. This movie is about Ceaser, and I think I already stated everything about him I need to. Surprisingly, for the crap characters they were given, the actors were quite great. Especially how nobody predicated James Franco could be a Doctor.

Now, I think we must mention exactly how this movie fits in with the original. I essentially covered that earlier, but let me tell you, every time something came up that I was worried about, BAM they take care of it in ways I could not have seen coming. It's completely respectful of the original film, making the end result exactly in coherence with the FIRST film, even though it's "officially not in the continuity of the original 20th Century films." (20th Century as in 1900's not Fox.) There's even a scene, which I won't spoil for you, but essentially there's "something that's being ridden."

OH YEAH. That sent chills down my fucking spine! Oh, speaking of which, how are the action scenes you are wondering? Oh...there are action scenes. THERE ARE ACTION SCENES. Oh Bajeezeljuice, (that does NOT sound right) there's Apes throwing axes and then the spears and then OH MY GOD THEY'RE ON THE FUCKING BRIDGE and then OH MY GOD CEASER WATCH OUT THERE'S A FUCKING HELICOPTER and OH MY GOD THEY JUST DID THAT!!!!! FUCK. YEAH. THAT is how you take down a Californian Army. I was so fucking tempted to get up off my seat and go "OOOOHHH MAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIII GGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!" 

(Overreacting much, Bheema?) Of course they still couldn't destroy the entire human population, but let's just say there's definitely an explanation for that. If you need a hint, here it is: Contagion. Figure that one out. When I saw it I thought "YES! YES!!! THEY ACTUALLY PULLED IT OFF!" I must nominate the script writer for king of the world. Not once were "animals rights" ever mentioned, and I think I know why. It's not about "animal rights." "Rights" are imaginary. It's about treating people - and yes I'm referring to all living things as people - right. Not "how you would want to be treated." RIGHT. 

It's about being a decent member of the Planet, and that is lost from ALL humans. So ends our cycle, and beings the cycle of the Apes...Woah. This movie is completely true to the first AND ONLY FIRST film, it proved to be one of the most exciting movies ever, it had my favorite character pulled off with very little dialogue whatsoever, the CGI was great but not perfect, and the action scenes were some of the best in at least a couple of decades. It will be a historical film. Even if movies that struck a huge cord with me like Source Code or Super 8 won't be remembered that well in the future, this movie will be remembered FOREVER. At least I hope so. I unfortunately can't give it a perfect rating, due to lacking in the human department. So...5.16/5

I, Da Ca$hman singing off. (Yes, I will review the original Planet of the Apes as soon as the Monster Movie Marathon ends, but not the sequels.)

Cowboys & Aliens (& Indians) (& Indiana Jones) (2011)

Because the Native Americans were tired of having their imagine ruined...or...maybe not.

(WARNING: FAKE BULLSHIT FOLLOWS)

Here we come, the 15th entry in the Aliens series. It first started with Ridley Scott's Alien, progressed with an unlicensed spin-off Alien 2: On Earth, a REAL sequel Aliens, Predator, Predator 2, Alien 3, Alien: Resurrection, and then those two franchises crossed over in Alien vs. Predator. Alien vs. Predator would spawn Alien vs. Predator: Requiem, Alien vs. Hunter, Monsters vs. Aliens, Aliens vs. Ninjas and Soldiers vs. Aliens (Battle: L.A.). Now we come to Cowboys & Aliens, to be followed up by Smurfs vs. Aliens vs. Cowboys, to more spin-off with Sailors & Aliens (Battleship) going further into Aliens vs. Spartans, and finishing up with Dolphins & Aliens. Et of course, we all know that the Cloverfield monster is really a giant Xenomorph.

Okay, nothing I just said is true. But, it is interesting how some franchises that have a great idea sometimes cannot survive without help from other franchises. Even when your movie has originality, it seems these days, it needs an unoriginal crutch. It gets worse! With Battleship, not only is it based off of the board game, but it has the unoriginal crutch of Transformers. But sometimes, even with crossovers that seem so predictable, like King Kong vs. Godzilla, Freddy vs. Jason and Alien vs. Predator, I can be super forgiving. I grew up on Godzilla (still gotta finish the marathon), which is essentially a 30-Part Crossover Series.

That definitely shaped some of my moving loving for years to come. That, and the fact that I find a lot of cheese-fests better then most people, makes the fact that I hate this movie extremely shocking. This movie isn't even FUN. Let's talk about the script for a second. Nothing...I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...anybody or anything said or did was even remotely shocking. I could see absolutely everything coming a mile away. From the trailer I knew how this movie would turn out, so why in the holy hell did I have better expectations? Here's a plot summary:

*Clears Throat*:...cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, SPECIAL EFFECT! cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, SPECIAL EFFECT! cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, cliche, SPECIAL EFFECT! Maybe I would have been a little more forgiving, if it weren't for the FACTS surrounding the film. It took SIX people to write this, under the supervision of Jon Faverau and Steven Spielberg, AND with Source Material (a Graphic Novel) to back it up! WOW. And yet, this film fails worse than if Kevin James doing an unoriginal comedy script being supervised by Kevin James and Kevin James. (AKA Zookeeper...but that's unrelated.)

At that, I should just give this movie a 1/5 and walk away. But no, we're going deeper into this movie's problems. Maybe a script isn't what you're expecting, even with THOSE FACTS surrounding the film. Maybe all you're expecting is action and CGI. Well, here we go. The CGI is best described as a couple steps down from Skyline. With SFX being as incredible as they are these days, and my tendency to try not to critique SFX positively due to that, this is unacceptable. Oh, but if it's a good design that forgives it, right? Well, it's essentially a smaller version of the Cloverfield monster with Parasitic E.T. hands inside! The only thing that I can say is really good about the CG are the Battleships, however they only appear briefly compared to EVERYTHING ELSE.

So what about the action? Well, the choreography is pretty damn good. But that's all ruined by mediocre cinematography. Obviously, the dude filming the movie did not go to film school. He instead went to Gym Class. He can hold a camera fine, there's literally NO shaking, but that's the problem. There's no camera tricks, no movement, no camera effects save for poor digitized dim lighting, it's just so fucking bland that the action scenes barely have any highlighting to what the choreographer put through. Since action and acting are very similar words (seemless transition failing much) let's talk about it.

I didn't expect any good acting out of almost anybody. As Willy Wonka once said "YOU GET NOTHING!" Not even the Native Americans put on a good performance. One character, who I expected to dislike the most, is actually a refreshing contrast to every other "seen it" character. You know, the one with the glasses, Italian-Wanna-Be mustache, and is skeptical of God? Yeah, he's "cool" compared to everyone else around here. But the two people I wanted to act good were Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig. AKA Han Solo and James Bond. W-w-w...wait a second.

New James Bond is emulating Indiana Jones, older Indiana Jones is emulating an old version of New James Bond, old James Bond is the father of Indiana Jones...I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE!!!!!!(Just so you know, spell check REALLY failed when I made a typo right there.) Yeah, kind of funny how that works, doesn't it? But, let's just say that emulation really doesn't work. Your forcing people to be someone they're not. Et there's the priest, who trying to emulate Jeff Bridges, which doesn't work out either. Daniel Craig, while at first he's cool, shows only that one emotion: "yeah, I'm Daniel Craig, and I'm awesome." That's good for the first 10 minutes, but gets REALLY boring after awhile.

Harrison Ford is just forcing it. I mean, he's forcing it. He had a Breakfast Supreme before each shoot, with Ham, Cheese and Corn, each Extra Extra Large, and after that he still was hungry and decided to eat a bunch of sets! A LOT of sets. He had his fucking eating teeth on that day! It makes you wonder if Harrison Ford's acting career is...done. He did Indiana Jones, Han Solo, The Fugitive, and a bunch of other good roles in the 80's, but now he just seems lousy. The only reason he was good in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is because that was his home turf. 

I think I've covered all I need to cover. This movie is just sad. REALLY sad. In no way should anybody see this movie or support it. It is not worth your time. It is not fun, it has a crapass script, the actors are being forced to do something they're not, the failure is deep, the cinematography is bland, and Cowboys & Aliens really don't mix. What's my rating? Well, it does have one good actor and good action choreography, so I'll give it a 1/5 instead of a 0. Damn, haven't been this negative about a movie in a long time!

I, Da Ca$hman singing off.

Cap'N 'Merica: The 1st AVENGAH!!!!!! (2011)

Bill O' Riley is officially a Nazi.

So, let's get one thing right out of the way. I have a very unpopular opinion when it comes to Marvel Comic Book Movies. I hate X2, X3 and Thor. I think the Iron Man movies are fun but absolutely nothing to give 5 stars to. I haven't seen the Sam Ramey Spider-Mans (I will, trust me). I haven't seen the 2003 Hulk, and I'm not sure I want to. The Incredible Hulk was okay I guess, it wasn't as good as the Iron Man movies. The only things where you could see me as having a positive opinion on the level or more so then most people are the first three pieces of the X-Men Timeline. Even then, you wouldn't be correct, because I didn't like First Class as much as everybody.

While it's not flat out hate, everybody seems to think the Marvel Movies are today's masterpieces. WHAT U TALK 'BOUT FOOL?!?! That said, I had a lower expectation here, and I think that was probably a good idea. After getting so hyped for Thor and seeing such a piece of shit, I didn't think I would like this movie. Well, the good news is I did like it. The bad news is it is heavily flawed, more then most people are saying, and I'm going to get into some of those flaws today, in this review. The first thing that anybody is going to notice is that this movie tries to pay homage and parody how Cap'N 'Merica was treated back in the 40's-70's.

As a cheesy, over-the-top propaganda piece. After all, the first issue of the comics featured Cap'N 'Merica punching Adolf Hitler right in the face! This movie makes fun of a lot of that in this movie, mostly in a specific montage of the cheesiest shit I've ever seen. Cap'N 'Merica is doing this cheesy dancing routine, in which he does the most fake punch ever; there's a seen where kids are buying the REAL first issue of Captain America, setting a sort of alternate reality; he's doing commercials; giving speeches; and all of it is in good fun, but soon to be interupted by the brutal truth that there is still a war to be faught.

After being used as a propaganda piece, he decides to actually fight in the war. After all, he's this seven foot tall muscular super soldier who can never die or get drunk! This movie does have a three-act story in it's purest form. First, he is being used by nobody, just a CGI skinny kid who can't say no to a fight. Second, he is being abused as a propaganda piece. Third, he is out in the war and fighting, and this third act takes most of the movie...so umm...I think they misunderstood the idea of a "beginning, middle, and end" but it's still three acts. Back on the first point, they really tell you that you are in World War II and don't let you see it. It gets really forced, even for the sake of homage.

Especially when you talk about the characters. They act just like they were from the 21st Century. There is nothing World War II about them. I didn't want the movie to tell me they were from World War II, but I would like them to be real people from the 1940's. Still, they are good characters on their own, but even at that, they are characters that we've all seen before. Speaking of which, why did they choose such a scrawny character? There's so philosophy about the weak knowing the value of strength but that's not what's important here. Adolf Hitler will DESTROY THE FUCKING PLANET if you guys loose!

Fuck Philosophy, the point is saving lives. If you're going to create a super soldier, do it right. We need to kill Nazis! And I'll get to that in a second. Why didn't they get someone who looks like Shaq or The Great Khali? The kid starts at like 4 feet tall and CGI skinny, and then turns into essentially a Football Player+Basketball Player. If you choose someone who's already mega super tall you would have this like 10 foot tall mega giant ready to destroy absolutely everything!!! WHY DIDN'T THEY DO THAT?!?!?...Oh yeah, because nobody like that exists, and this is a Live-Action movie. Fuck that.

The Action Scenes are very good, but they drag on a little bit. Obviously preparing for a video game adaptation or license or whatever. (ArmLegGamer: I WANT A VIDEO GAME WHATEVER!!!) I'll tell you though, I had this weird plan in place. I would dress up as Cap'N Mexico (so basically replace all blue with green and the A with an M) and every time the title character would show up I would shout "WOO! CAP'N 'MERICA FUCK YAAAAAEEEHHHH!!!" Well, actually going to the movie like a normal person, I legitimately felt like standing up and shouting just those words at points.

This movie ties nicely with the Avengers. Iron Man 2 featured Captain America's shield as an element used to fuel the Iron Man suit (after all, it's made out of the rarest metal in the world), Thor had a brief mention of Tony Stark, but this is crazy more then that. It flat outs stars Tony Stark's father Howard Stark. He's an annoying character, but just that we know this is all part of the same universe brings me back to the days when Godzilla and the DC Universe was awesome. In fact, it almost appears as if it's happening again, because both The Justice League and Godzilla are coming out within the next 4 or 5 years. 

Speaking of which, you want me to talk about the trailer for The Avengers that played after the credits, don't you? Well...it was fucking awesome! I will say though, I wish they told us a little bit more. I saw that both Thor and Hulk are getting slight touch ups, and that in addition to those, Iron Man, Nick Fury and Cap'N 'Merica, both Black Widow Hawkeye will also be in the upcoming crossover! As a side note - I am so starting a petition to get a Hawkeye Tie-In Movie, that guy is awesome! Upon further research, other characters from the Marvel universe, all making supporting roles in the movies, are appearing.

Yes, Hawkeye did have a cameo appearance in Thor, but I want a full blown tie in movie! Even if after The Avengers! Loki, the Norse God of Mischief, will also be in The Avengers, I don't think I need to tell you where he is from. He's not cool enough and he got enough of a role in Thor, so I'm fine with no tie-in movie called Loki. Also, Black Widow, who I mentioned just a few sentences ago, got a very good amount of screen time in the Iron Man movies, so no need to worry about her own tie-in, unless it's direct-to-video. A Loki Direct-2-video might not be a bad idea either.

But, get this guys! There actually IS a Black Widow tie-in movie in the works! Umm...cool?!?! Finally, Maria Hill will also be in the Avengers. A none-mutant, and "for all intensive purposes, just a highly trained, highly talented human." Well, I'm sure I didn't get to everything, but this is enough for my review. I wanted to do The Avengers on a high-note, but my thoughts just came out randomly. You want to know why I wanted to end with The Avengers? Because that's what's coming up next baby, OH BOY! Are you ready?!?!? This is going to be one helluva crossover!

Anyways, the rating for Cap'N 'Merica? This is the very definition of 3/5, but I still think anybody would enjoy this movie...probably even from another country, but I live in 'Merica so I dunno.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Garry Potter and the Old Marshmallow: Part Tooth (2011)

It all ends...BE KIND, PLEASE REWIND.

Damn...Damn...Damn...I MEAN DAMN. I MEAN DAMN. I MEAN DAMN. I MEAN...I MEAN...

 DAMN

Where should I begin with this one? Well, this is the conclusion to one of the greatest franchises of the past decade and a half. Back in the 80's, it was all about Star Wars and Indiana Jones, those were the franchises that they loved. Now, today's generation grows up with Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. After this, there's no question that both generations will share another thing in common: they will want to show their children these films. We've had a franchise that has gone through 8 entries...yet seven films. Huh. Yet, it has continuously stayed at it's original level of quality and built on itself.

The first was a smash hit. Then, as they continued, they built on themselves while keeping the original style in tact, trying to make each better. Even if you don't like one that is later then the earlier, you can tell in each film that they try to be better then the last while still keeping to the original heart of the film. It always stayed Harry Potter. When you talk about Friday the 13th, there's a huge difference in tone when people say "Friday the 13th" or "a Jason movie." Even when you're talking to a film fan or the average person there's a different tone in both. Unless you're talking to a dude with a huge stick up his ass, no matter how you say it, Harry Potter IS Harry Potter.

"A Nightmare on Elm Street" or "A Freddy Movie." "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" or "Indiana Jones" or "Indy Movies" or "Raiders of the Lost Ark" that goes on and on. "Star Wars," "Prequel Trilogy" "Original Trilogy." "Gojira" "Godzilla Movie" "Godzilla, King of the Monsters." These terms all have different tones, and really different meanings. Because at some point, their respective directors lost sight of what was important. The director of all these Potter films, David Yates, has never lost sight of what was important. Making Wizards and Trolls fit into serious conflict, while building up mythology, and while still playing it up for the fun Mystical feeling of it all.

And with 8 chances, you can do some serious building if you know what you're doing. Et dude...FUCKING EPIC ALLIGATOR SAUCE! As I said, the director, David Yates, tries his best to make each film better as they go, and sure enough that makes this film a fucking masterpiece. At a point in this film, everything about Harry Potter that felt nostalgic to me flashed back in front of me, including going to see Harry Potter 2 for the first time as an eight year old. Or was I nine? Seven? It reminded me of all the great looking scenery in 3, the well done atmosphere in 5, the resurrection of Voldemort in 4, and my attachment to my favorite Potter character Sirius Black.

And that's just scratching the surface. (STARING THREE SENTENCES WITH AND FOR THE LOOSE!) A lot of people are describing this movie as "Apocalypse with Wizards." I don't know. It's not all in Hogwarts for sure, but it is contained in a very limited area. It's NOT Armageddon. Second, there's not really THAT MUCH action. Don't get me wrong, this has a very healthy overload on the action part, but it's not just a giant Royal Rumble. There's a point to the whole thing, and that is to take down Voldemort. For a lot of the series, I never good really come to terms with the idea of the "chosen one."

Well, this movie doesn't flat out explain that, but it does explain enough things so that your brain will fill in the missing connections and finally understand the purpose of this whole thing. I won't explain it for you, but I think you would be able to understand it post seeing this movie. Don't understand it still? Contact Me. The large scale of the movie really starts some very emotional moments. Do I think they could have done better at pulling my heart out and putting it back in? By MILES. Is it millions of miles more emotional than almost all films...ever? Oh hell yeah. I probably COULD have cried at one point in the movie, but no such luck.

With the gigantic amounts of development these characters have gone under over a decade, they react to each other completely naturally. The actors...the actors are pitch perfect. For what they are supposed to be, what they're characters have done in the past, and so on, the characters are so great. It's amazing that we've been able to literally grow up with Harry Potter, as his actor has aged accordingly. There was one problem I had with this movie. Some lines of dialogue are very tongue in cheek, taking you out of the experience for 5-15 seconds. Isn't that there in other films series, such as Indiana Jones?

I feel like I must mention the cinematography, editing and SFX. I don't really think I need to, but they act as the story, atmosphere and characters have acted over the years. Built up on themselves to become better. In many scenes, the camera feels as if it plays a character. The cinematography is great. It's almost never completely still, but it's almost never shaky either. There are many creative camera angles, and the editing that they did to this movie puts you in the mood that the atmosphere was going for. The atmosphere is nearly perfect here, and of course the SFX are state of the art.

The biggest thing I love about this movie is outside of the silver screen. The phenomenon. I talked about this earlier, but going to a theater and seeing your own friends by coincidence, seeing huge ass lines, every poster for the movie that just came out yesterday, and then going for a bite to eat after the amazing film, and all for a GOOD movie, makes me feel like I'm at the time when cinema was at it's prime. After The Dark Knight Rises, you're hard pressed to ever find an experience again. Having such a crowded alive theater in such a small town, and legitimate applause, makes it worth it to go to the cinema.

Oh, speaking of The Dark Knight Rises, that trailer did indeed play before this movie. So did a much better for Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Let me just tell you this...I'm super mega pumped up for both movies. Steven Spielberg's War Horse also played it's first trailer here, and that looks solid as well. There's a good amount of foreshadowing in this film, but that all goes into just how great the plot is. Everything that could possibly be done well with the plot they were given, was done well. Some people have told me that some detailish things were left out of the book...but c'mon guys, didn;t you expect that?

I guess there's not a lot more to say. 10 Paragraphs cool with you guys? Bottom line, this is the perfect conclusion to a perfect series. Maybe not in my personal opinion, but for what they were given, they couldn't have done any better. I'll always have a personal bias, but damn this couldn't have been pulled off any better. Maybe besides some lines of dialogue. For Harry Potter 7: Part 2, I give it a 5.6/5. That is the official rating for this film. With Part 1, the two ratings together, it gets a 5.8/5. The experience itself of going to the theater to see this movie gets a 6/5.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

The Green Lantern (2011)

In brightest day, in blackest night, I will love every movie that I might.

Negatives out of the way first. Characters. Their development is a little under appropriation. They are interesting a little but really they are just characters we have seen a million times before. The dialogue is nothing but utter cheese spilling on a really, really big cob of corn. The story was very, very under-explained. So, now that we've shown that the biggest four parts of a movie are not very good here, you bet I won't like this movie right? Wrong. This movie is not all about that. The first thing on the positives list is that the action is very well choreographed, however there was not much of it.

This whole movie just left me thinking "I want more!" Luckily, according to the surprise ending after the credits, that appears to be the case. This movie's formula appears very stupid at first, but looking deeper into it, it really is a revival of the classic Comic-Book Formula that was present Pre-XMen/SpiderMan. This movie is extremely predictable, but that is only because it goes back to what people went to comic book movies for back in the day. At points it parodies comic book cliches, one STRAIGHT out of the first Superman movie. I would critique the special effects but being that most movies have Avatar Wanna-Be SFX I won't go deep into that.

The biggest strength about this movie is the metaphors. While it is nothing you would expect from a piece of fiction professors praise, it brings up many themes that deal with subject material not many movies have the balls to bring up, and presents them in symbolic execution. The only problem? NOT SUBTLE AT ALL. It brings up the ideas of human emotions, how they are presented, how preconceptions and fear hurt us, how will and hope bring good out of us, and what it means to truly use it. Oh yeah, there is another problem: WE'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. I don't mind it much as this is based off a comic book series that has been running since 1940.

The soundtrack is a little weak but nothing that can't get you in the spirit. This movie is very exciting, and the stakes are raised quite, quite high. A lot of people complain that Hal Jordan just excepts the ring too easily, and I say bullshit, he takes a long time contemplating, questioning and even quitting his statues of the ring bearer. (Hmmm....). Sure. he could have taken longer, but then there would be no room for the epic climax. Hell, I wish the climax went on longer. Hell, I wish this whole movie had more to it, and I cannot wait for a sequel. It's not like Super 8 where it's a very solid wrap around story, this movie has room for a sequel and I would love it.

I can wait to explore more galaxies, more colors of rings and what emotions they symbolize, and more movies full of this awesomeness. It isn't anything compared to X-Men: First Class or Super 8, but it's a fun time done well with surprisingly ballsy and meaningful metaphors. This is definitely my kind of movie, but I recognize there is so much room for imporvement. On a persona level, I would give this a 4.5/5, but I recognize that this movie isn't completely for the people of the insane cheeseburger race, so I give it a 3.96/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Super 8 (2011)

Ummm....Ummm..I ummm...ZOMFGWTFLOLROTFLMAOBBQAWZMESAUCEIMMAFIRINMAHLAZAH@#$%^%^&&*(*(NP!!!!

SPOILER ALERT: Something happens.

Damn, what the hell do I say? I'm totally in shell shock. Well, let me tell you what I know right now. Since the Hiatus that took place between August 24th-September 24th, I have given out only 3 6/5s, only one of them was a 6/5 that I didn't give out prior. That was Lord of the Flies (the original) (the 6/5s you guys already knew were Freddy vs. Jason and Cloverfield.) I was beginning to suspect myself of several things, that may or may not have been partially true. I was becoming a snob (definitely more true, but not completely), I was doing way better at analyzation and my older reviews were bullshit (maybe, maybe not), and maybe even movies weren't as interesting to me anymore.

I was thinking this because of the lacks of 6/5s. I was thinking this because there were very few movies that I thought were "flawless" or "fucking amazing" or maybe even had minor details but they were recovered by a superb job in other areas. I was wondering why I even had the 6/5 rating anymore. So, as if I couldn't make it anymore obvious, I was treated to a wake-up call. I was treated to one of my favorite movies of all time. I was treated to the E.T. of our generation. I was treated to something that was made from my two FAVORITE filmmakers, J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg. (Yes, I know I stated it was Matt Reeves who made Cloverfield, but clearly I meant that in terms of hype. I think he did what Cloverfield was really about.)

Even my most recent favorites, The Adjustment Bureau and Source Code, look like a documentary about Cucumbers compared to this fucking masterpiece! In the words of BlazikenMaster: THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AMAZING! But now I have to tell you why! Well, as opposed to Cloverfield, this time it wasn't because of the hype. Don't get me wrong. The hype leading up to Cloverfield was fucking genius. However so was the hype to Blair Witch Project and Psycho. Those all had their individual style of hype, and holy hell is that a part of the movie experience that we lack in the 21st Century!

But, let's say they did a similar hype of Psycho again. It would really be "Dude, you can't tell us what to do." The numerous Blair Witch rip-offs have had the same reaction as far as hype: "Dude, it's not real. We already fell for it once." And now at least I'm reacting to this the same way with Cloverfield. "Guys, it's not some Government Secret Operation in the realistic sense, it's not "Case Super 8" (although it sort of is during the credits), it's not an interactive investigation by the viewers, and most importantly: You can't fool us twice." Don't worry, any worries that J.J. Abrams is just trying to do the same thing over and over again and get the moolah is discredited.

Any hype used here is forgiven in entertainment value. Boy oh boy izzarite! The external hype is made a separate entity in this film. There is also external hype. In Cloverfield, the external hype was connected to the internal hype in the most proper of senses. Point is, they show a shoulder or a hand here or there, a fuzzy reflection over here, and it makes you excited to see what the monster is. That doesn't take away from the entertainment value. And I guess this whole hype business is like the G-Rating with Toy Story 3. Okay, it's a completely wrong business tactic, but you didn't show up here to judge business practices. You came here for a hell of a story!

Fucking do we get it. I don't know how to explain it!!!! Gaaah! This is the same thing that happened when I saw Cloverfield! I knew it was one of my favorites, I knew why, but it took so many repeated viewings to express it! Well, let's try to pick it apart. A lot of people say this is a combination of E.T., The Goonies, Close Encounters and Cloverfield. This is absolutely correct. It is The Goonies in terms of the children. it is E.T. in the case what the children do and how they do it, as well as emotions towards the monster. It is Close Encounters in the way of the adults, what they do and how. It is Cloverfield in terms of the atmosphere, the monsters design, the monsters origins (basically a WTF moment), and the "Top-Secret Operations" feel.

No, I did not spoil anything for you. I saw a description that also looked like it was a spoiler, but it couldn't prepare me for the awesome monster. You know what else? It's awesome to see an original movie lately. Although it draws from E.T., Close Encounters, Cloverfield, The Goonies, and J.J. Abrams personal childhood, it's all these fantastic elements meshed together with an original plot that I can really get behind! All updated for a new generation as well. Really, just like Star Wars. Wait, now we're adding Star Wars to that list, which includes those four films, all of which are favorites of mine, a realistic childhood basis that allows relatability, updation, Spielberg, Abrams and now Star Wars? How could this not be one of my favorites!?

Shit, I need to do some Star Wars reviews. I don't know where to continue. It has extremely relatable, funny and awesome characters. There is going to be one kid who you were as a kid, and they are all really funny and just generally good people that you cheer for, and just average put in a situation of epic sauce. The storyline is original and takes many twists and turns. It never stops being fresh, and you are always at the edge of your seat wondering what the hell will happen next. Most importantly, everything from the story, to the dialogue, to the characters, to the film grain, to the background noise, absolutely everything was taken care of with great detail and most importantly a love for film.

There ya go again. This movie really feels like it was made by people who have a love and appreciation for film. Not just people who want to make a paycheck. People who want to make a feature film. People who respect the experience, storytelling and overall genius of the old while keeping it modern at the same time. And that really touched the film lover and filmmaker inside of me. Please, I beg you, stick for the credits, not even afterwards, it's worth your time. There is a message in this movie of course, but it is the Godfather of messages that are delivered subtly and not spoonfed yet delivered in a powerful sense. It is really, really emotional, really funny, just awesome.

I'm going to stop here. I know I'll be doing this review again, but for now, I'll just tell you this: Go see Super 8. It is one of the best movies out there. Not only does it en corporate elements from all those things, but it keeps the awesomeness of each one and updates it towards a new generation. If you do not see this movie, you will do a great damage to yourself. 6/5, thank the Holy Lord Above!

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

X-Men: First Class (2011)

Now THIS is where to start an X-Men viewing experience.

Oh boy, where do I begin. This is the second prequel (Wolverine), in a series in which they hope to grow to four (Wolverine 2, First Class 2 are both possibilities,) that will advance the story of X-Men back to it's origins. Good decision for non-comic fans who only know the very basic premise of the story but don't really know the characters enough. To say the least, you get to know these characters and story completely. Though not spoon fed, it successfully sets up plot and characters, and unlike District 9, continues to develop these characters and cause twists and turns within the story and their personalities to both be a set up and a stand alone film.

The development of these characters, while extensive, is not perfect. Several characters we feel as if we're gonna know throughout the whole saga turn to dust half way in the film. Certain characters do not get enough time, certain characters get too much time, and certain characters get time at the wrong time and place. The storyline however, holds a good, cheesy concept from the...60's(?)...and then executes it to feel like an actual struggle that can relate to the modern day person...even as it takes place in the 60's, which I assume helps it. Oh, and if you haven't figured it out, the obvious metaphor here is homosexuality.

The twist at the end, while well known, is done so well and is so emotional that is caused something that makes me hesitant to continue...it ummm....it made me feel with Magneto more then the other Mutants. Now, that doesn't mean I didn't like Charles Xavier. Charles Xavier is an intelligent, clever, funny, good yet rock solid not soft human being...or mutant. Magneto is someone who cannot control his emotions, and from my perspective, he slowly turned from below Xavier to above him in a mental standpoint. That's is the true definition of development right there.

That's another thing that most action movies are lacking. Really good character development. Another thing they lack that this has is a storyline that remains fresh. Most movie I see nowadays, even if their storyline has a good concept, good execution, is intriguing, and allows for many opportunities of twists (which this has), I can always predict how their going to end. Yeah, this is one where I didn't feel like "yep, I know exactly what this is and I know exactly how I'm going to feel." I am still digesting this film as I type, but it's helping me as I type. This movie also isn't what I expected.

I feel like it's a James Bond type movie starring Super Heroes with extra comedy thrown in. Just a little. I would critique the visuals, but thanks to Avatar I don't really need to, as all visuals these days are stunningly realistic. The soundtrack doesn't have anything noticeable. The one thing I really didn't like about this movie was the acting. Everybody acted so generically. I didn't feel like the actors were trying to portray anything unique at all, even though the written characters were very, very unique and intriguing. The action scenes are few but this film successfully creates excitement out of situations and not explosions. That I praise it for.

This film has a fucking awesome cameo, that proves that....well, you'll see. The cinematography definitely utilizes many camera angles that are very hard to create. It provides more realism and atmosphere. Speaking of which, the atmosphere in this movie changes according to emotions in scene feeling, and always creates a sense of non-realism, for lack of a better term. The dialogue here is pretty damn good but is harmed by the crap actors hired for this film. Overall, this film sets up the story quite nicely while still creating it's own story. It has great characters, a great execution, very good cinematography, attention to atmosphere and is not a spoonfed Hollywood superhero film like Wolverine. It's acting keeps it from being perfect, so I give it a 4.8/5 + The Kickass Seal of Approval.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Thor (2011)

Ah, it's Summer. People are on beaches, days are lasting till 9 o' clock, and what do I do? Go to the movies. Of course!

Basic summary: This movie is all full of "God, I've seen this before like 10,045,386.7 times!" This movie follows a format that is just so...cliche...that I have a hard time taking it seriously. In this day and age, to use this story ark, is just amateurish. I really don't feel like explaining it because if you see this movie you will instantaneously recognize what I am talking about. But there's one major difference. In Asgard, this story and these characters are compelling. Though generic and cliche as hell, it was at least enjoyable. The climax was the bomb! Because, they were Mythology Action cliches. On Earth...they were comedy cliches. Thor adds a nice contrast on Earth, but it isn't enough to make up for all the stupidity that happens on Earth, in which some Thor takes part in.

And that's it. That's seriously all there is to this movie. Damn, first review of the Summer and it's this! Thor is just a bunch of "I've seen this before" of Fantasy, Action, Superheros and Comedy. So, if you want something Generic, are a hardcore fan of Comics or Fantasy (not action or comedy), or if you're looking for a date movie that still also a "man movie" then I recommend it. Oh wait...I didn't tell my story? So, some really young couple was sitting behind me (teenage, probably 16), and I heard the girlfriend laugh at literally everything. I was thinking "one, she's annoying, and two, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LAUGH AT AN ACTION MOVIE!"

Yes, another diatribe. I say if it is a serious action movie, there is supposed to be no comedy. If it is an over-the-top movie (Expendables, Grindhouse), then comedy relating to the genre you are tribute's to is okay. Of course there are Action-Comedies, but do you know how rare they are at succeeding? There was so much comedy here (wow, my review isn't ending, I guess I can be somewhat proud of my first Summer review!), that it was just stupid how much there was. Not only was it often in a movie I didn't want comedy in, but it was horrid comedy! (Then, what do I know? I'm an Aspie AND a Jew.) But, by the end, the girl was crying at the "dramatic climax." That's when I realized this is perfect Date Movie material.

UPDATE: Something was brought to my attention that I did not recognize instantaneously as watched by the film. Shoutout goes to BananaMonkeyKing5 (YouTube Page: www.youtube.com/user/bananamonkeyking5) (Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001548252157) for bringing this up. While the action and music in this movie are decent and have potential, there is just so little of it. The scenes in Asguard, where the action and music are at it's pinnacle, which is not even so great to begin with, have very little time.  A movie that was supposed to BE action and music has little of it! WTF?

So, go see it with your girlfriend/boyfriend or go see it if you're a hardcore fan of Thor or similar subjects. Whether or not you've even seen it, it'll be worth your time. Otherwise, I'd say go see Pirates 4. The rating? 2/5.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

X-Men: Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Memory lane is really hitting me hard. This was the FIRST movie I EVER reviewed.

WARNING*MEGA ULTRA DIATRIBE THAT DOES NOT 

Aaah, the memories. The first people I watched that reviewed movies were James Rolfe, Mr. Black, Zaranyzerak and maybe Fury of the Film Fan. It was truly James Rolfe who got me into film beyond Godzilla and other B-Movies, even though he loves B-Movies and educated me about many. including the works of Ray Harryhausen. (You're talking to a 15 year old guys!) After my video-game-storylines became stale to me (but apparently not to 300+ people), I wanted to do movie reviews. At first I did reviews where I put the camera in front of the poster via Computer Screen (this was before I learned about WMM) and gave a statement that would normally be the last paragraph of these reviews.

Oh, you want to know the name of the channel? It was my real name (glad I closed it, even though I don't think I would be raped in my life), bheemabachus. Bheema Mark-Bachus is the real versoin of my name. One of the best friends I had on this channel was Gojira4Life, but he went on to real life after graduating College and finding a girlfriend. NERD TRAITOR! I eventually moved to putting the camera in front of my face, and eventually realizing that my reviews were stale and had barely any details. At first I did 1 or 2 paragraph reviews on Amazon, and eventually decided to move here.

Boy is it better here. Look at how detailed, intelligent and unique my reviews are! Maybe they're not on the level of Newspaper Critics, or even the big name reviewers on YouTube, but hell I feel good about my reviews. This is probably too much ego, but I feel these reviews are even better then Tom Chattlebash's reviews when he was my age. That said, his reviews today are still better then the ones here. My point was that the first movie reviewed on that channel was this movie. At first, I loved it, but I was...hmmm...13 and retarded? Now I'm 15 and I've worked my disabilities out. Let's give this the proper review this deserves!

*GREEN LANTERN RATING: 3.96/5. YOU'RE NOT RETARDED YOU SAY?*

While this film is of course an adaptation of the origin ages of Wolverine's story in the X-Men timeline, it is also a film on it's own. Thus, it must focus on a main plot. Respectfully but in a concise manner (despite the magic of Spell Check I still don't know how to spell consiece. YOU'RE NOT RETARDED YOU SAY?) they tell the story of Wolverine's childhood and his history in the American wars between The Civil War and Vietnam with his brother who would later become Sabretooth. Who we know in this movie as just "Victor" and Wolverine as just "Logan." Still, the first 20 minutes or so which feature this part of the story is still interesting.

The acting in this film is far below par. Some people are seriously silly and stupid. Most people just are dry, but try. I relate them to Chris Bores with a few acting lessons. Yeah, wow, bad acting right there. Wolverine and Sabretooth, while their respective actors are still really bad, they are bad in the way of 80's action stars. Acting tough, pulling one liners and act like they have a goal in mind. Wolverine is like Arnold, Sylvester and classic Wolverine mixed with 50% less good. Still, the one-liners here are pretty funny. "Coo-Coo-Catchoo got screwed." DAMMIT WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY!

The dialogue isn't delivered well, but is written appropriately for a cheesy Summer Knock-a-Block-a-Buster! (Wow, even Chuggaaconroy has been added to the rip-off list.) Now for the most important things in a movie, the story and characters. Talk about spoonfeeding! While the concept/source material has potential (Hugh Jackman on the run from the government with super mega finger knives) it is spoonfed like nobody has ever spoonfed anything before! There are very little quiet moments for the movie to breath, and when they come, they are usually interpreted by abrupt stupid comedy moments or action scenes that sacrifice a character that should have had more screen time.

Speaking of characters (and I guess action will be next), the only properly developed character is Wolverine. Sabretooth comes close, but still needs more exploration of the character. Everybody else does not get adequate screen time, and if they die it feels incomplete and you want to see more of them. Why? Because despite development issues, everyone in this movie has a very interesting, fun personality, whether in an antagonist or protagonist fashion. Well, we have Wolverine, right? *SPOILERS* WRONG. The ending where Wolverine looses his memory completely takes away all development and relationships that Wolverine had. THAT'S BULLSHIT! *SPOILERS OVER.*

Well, action comes next, as promised. It's nothing spectacular, and nothing we haven't seen before, but it's fun for a cheesy Knock-A-Block-A-Buster. Explosions, dudes on Motorcycles, Helicopters and....Telekinetic Playing Cards? Oh, and Wolverine is pretty Badass with his SuperUltraMegaAdamantiumRageFingerKnives, (or S.U.M.A.R.F.S.), but he doesn't get enough time to properly deal those weapons. I assume there will be more action with those in the X-Men movies to follow. Last mention, atmosphere has a lot of detail payed attention, but it never suits the mood of the current scene and just feels like it's there for style and not substance.

Overall, this is a movie that had a hell of a lot of potential but just falls flat on it's ass and becomes a cheesy K.A.B.A.B. (Two acronyms that are pronounceable in one review FUCK YEAH!) Storyline and characters are poorly executed but have very good potential, dialogue is overall just a rock trying to break a diamond, action scenes are fun, and acting is far below par. It's a fun time, but there are many other movies that classify as a fun time. But, non-film fan teenagers should absolutely love this movie. 3/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

The Day The Earth Stopped (2008)

WAIT...There's MORE?!!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so get this. You thought the Hollywood Remake was hollow? How about a rip-off of the Hollywood remake. If I’m certain, the original 1951 film was based off a story. So, it’s a rip-off of a remake of an adaptation. All we need is a sequel and I will bomb all of California, and replace the whole thing with a state made up of Nigerians, French, Engilsh, Italians and Indians. (Asian Indians for the suckers that need clarification.) Yep, the Asylum is at it again. King of the Lost World, Battle of Los Angeles, and Transmorphers are under these titles, and now it’s time for The Day The Earth Stopped!

HEY! Cleavage. Yes this movie starts off right off the bat with it letting you know that two staples of The Asylum Productions: Unnecessary - though very nice - Sexuality and an abundance of CGI of questionable quality. I say questionable as the CGI in this movie, while nothing compared to CGI of the 21st Century, would be pretty impressive say this movie was made in the 90’s, while most Asylum films look like they were a rip-off of Young Sherlock Holmes’ scene of the first noticeable scene of CGI. To clarify, most effects in 1982’s Tron were not CGI but real film tricks such as compositing effects. Only 5% was computer generated.

Forget anything I ever said about spoonfeeding in a Godzilla film…this takes the cake. Right after the opening credits this movies’ version of Gort just fucking lands right in the city, for no apparent reason or warning. Military action is taken, but it is relatively calm as if it was a rock in a lake and not A ROBOT IN A HIGHLY POPULATED AREA. By 11 minutes we already have this movies version of the…the ugh….umm…Ark? Point is, there is no effort put into the script. The plot has no time to reveal itself and develop, it’s just “this is what’s happening, watch some boobs and explosions go flying.” Yes, explosions AND boobs can fly. With wings. In the sky. And eat peanuts….wow, I did not mean to write that!

By 10 minutes in I had already pegged down the character development in this film, however under normal circumstances I would not jump to conclusions this easily. Seeing enough Asylum films (Battle of Los Angeles, 100 Million B.C., 2012 Doomsday and a review of Sunday School Musical…that really is enough) I knew what I was going to see. Characters where they TRY to make you say “Yep, he’s the villain. She’s the alien. He’s the protagonist.” They are not original in the slightest and even worse because they just skip lazy on the development, you get no investment in them, and you barely know them. Sometimes I’m like “dude, which one is who now?”

A great actor is an actor who embodies the role so well that you forget that’s even an actor. A good actor pulls his stuff off believably, appropriately and well however succumbs to predictable flaws. A bad actor is uninterested and just wants his paycheck, but at least gives it a shot as he knows he is under studio watch. A horrible actor doesn’t even try to be in his role but at least tries to hide the fact that he is uninterested, after all, he is an ACTOR. A beyond horrible actor works in an Asylum film. I could nitpick this movie to death. I mean, holy shitballs, this review is strictly a NO NITPICK ZONE, because there are way too many in this film.

The dialogue is just unoriginal, generic, stupid, idiotic, and not even not well thought out, it just wasn’t thought out. Now, if you don’t mind, it’s diatribe time….ah, fuck it, never mind. I just want some Wolverine and Godzilla action can we PLEASE get through this marathon that was supposed to be over 3 weeks ago? Gosh, even NUMBERS aren’t original here. When they need to make up a completely random number they don’t have the courtesy to use an online slot machine. They either use numbers that repeat “996994” for example, or they use numbers from pop culture, yet their pop culture reference adds nothing to the plot, such as the preverbal “666.”

(Which isn’t the original mark of the beast, it’s 616, 666 is a mis-translation.) The attention to atmosphere is unoriginal and inappropriate for settings, however very detailed. Scenes with fog and darkness remind me of The Wolf Man, (classic version) and scenes with a black-green atmosphere remind me of any modern Alien Invasion film, or even some classics such as Alien.' There is one thing - ONE THING - that can be said that is good about this movie aside from very little details. Our version of Klaatuu is split into TWO personalities. That is the ONE improvement on the rip-off. In both official versions of TDTESS, Klaatuu is one male person.

Not only does it make more sense, but it adds opportunity for conflict and more emotions to flow through each part of Klaatuu. Now, let’s analyze each part of the role of Klaatuu. The female counterpart is slightly interesting. She succeeds at going away from the 1-dimensional usual Asylum character, as she has a range of emotions such as cleverness, sympathy, hatred, regret, and intelligence. Her actress only slightly executes these emotions making the character almost invisible, as she is surely more worried about looking like Angelina Jolie. The male counterpart almost has no emotion at all and doesn’t even make sense that he is here.

He is only here to deliver some philosophy, of which has good intentions but has no solid foundation to really impact anything. Other characters prove a character selection better than most Asylum films, but hell, that isn’t saying much. They aren’t enough to redeem anything about this movie. These characters are also violent, which goes against the message of any official TDTESS film. That message isn’t even present, the only message here is that humans are shit and need to die before they kill their own planet and other planets. Yep, I agree with them, but damn do I laugh at them for a lack of arguments.

So…the alien learns the value of human life…through the human reproductive system? EVERY LIVE HAS A REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM! That isn’t a real resolution, and it hurts the film. Maybe I don’t get it, maybe it is human relations. Well no shit Sherlock! There MUST be other alien races out there that have emotional relationships and are not nearly as violent. Maybe even YOURS?!?!?! Such a weak resolution hurts the film, yet it has such good intentions that I really wish this would be remade, but of course any big budget company would not take the risk of copyright, and would rather make a remake of a popular movie. Supposedly a Citizen Kane remake is going to come out next year!

I recognized that the soundtrack is pretty cool, but of course unoriginal and probably just ripped from other action and Sci-Fi films. Don’t let the soundtrack fool you, this is an unprofessional, stupid, idiotic rip-off cash-in. It is chock full of plot holes, the characters and morals don’t make any sense, pretty much the atmosphere and soundtrack is all they did right, and that’s not good for a movie, that’s good for a nature montage. 1/5, but I BEG for a remake! Don’t even call it The Day The Earth Stopped, call it something else. It has no solid foundation but if one were to be planted under it it could actually be a really good, heartfelt movie. Oh well, another day eh? Oh and apparently Davey Jones was the visual effects producer.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

X-Men 3: The Last Stand (2006)

OR IS IT?!?!?

Well, the X-Menathon finally comes to a close. (That is until Wolverine 2, Origins: Deadpool, Second Class, Third Class and X4 come out.) This is supposed to be the worst movie on the original Trilogy, so I have low hopes. After a wonderful surprise with X-Men: First Class and X-Men 1, a fun time with Wolverine and a Popcorn like enjoyment but yet disappointment of X-Men 2, it’s finally time for the final chapter. It’s the X-Men vs. The Brotherhood, with the entire returning cast and the new additions of Kelsey Grammar and Ben Foster. Let’s get started.

This film opens before the credits with a couple of scenes, that while have potential; just leave the audience thinking “WTF just happened?” Some people were disappointed by Night crawler’s absence in this film. This was actually explained by a video game that takes place between X2 and X3 called X-Men: The Official Video Game. It explains the absence of Night crawler. Plus, I didn’t like Night crawler that much. He was annoying and portrayed bias propaganda. The Wolverine character really feels dumbed down here. It’s just as if some 6th grade fan fiction writer wrote his character. Hugh Jackman still pulls off the Badassery, but it just doesn’t seem to be The Wolverine.

 

Beast makes his first official appearance in an X-Men film in this film. (Though in timeline he was in X-Men: First Class.) Here’s my question: what happened? In X-Men: First Class, he was with Charles Xavier at the end. When did he get to a seat of political power, however the mutants may apply? And what happened between X2 and  X3 that made the government so sure of mutants? There must be some storyline we don’t know that takes place between X3 and First Class, AND more unknown storyline between X2 and X3, either that or it’s just lazy writing again.

A lot of people also prefer this design over the one in First Class. I haft to say that each is appropriate for the age range, but I still think the First Class Beast is more fearsome and Frankenstein-Sympathetic, where this is intellectual, old and experience, which doesn’t come for as much emotion except maybe “ah, my Dear Grandpa, re-uniting with his friends.” NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Hey, I have a question for anybody who knows, since I’m not able to access Wikipedia at the moment…Is the dude who plays Magneto the same dude who played Shere Khan? You know, from The Jungle Book? I doubt it, being the difference in years between the two movies (37 to be exact), but his voice just reminds me of Khan’s.

It should be noted that at the end of X2, there was  a secretive ending leaning towards the Phoenix Saga, which is often associated with Gene Gray. Now, I’m cool with what they did with it. The premise seems interesting, but again, they don’t follow up on it enough. I also can’t help but wonder now why did the scene earlier in the movie happen, and who is this girl who has the same name as Gene? It's just a shallow attempt at a good way to follow it up. That's this whole movie! To add to my confusion, why did Magneto and Xavier just suddenly decide to be friends for that opening scene and then just go back to being enemies like that? Again, the writing of a 6th Grade Fan Fiction Author.

The soundtrack is more generic than you can fit junk food in a Gamer’s stomach. But what you have for generic, it’s the better side of a generic soundtrack. In this film they raise an extremely good plot point for discussion, a cure for mutation. But instead of having good discussion on it, they just simply pass it off like people pass off a potential cure for Autism. The government, Magneto’s group and Xavier’s group all view it in some sort of plastic, little argued fashion. “they can’t cure us, it’s a gift.” “They will exterminate us!” “They have the right to human lives!” Well, what are your arguments for any of this?

None. But I can argue each and every of those points. While it may be a gift to people like Prof. X, Magneto and Wolverine, to those who can control it, most mutants have a harder time controlling their powers. True, they can learn to, but what are the chances they might accidentally KILL SOMEONE? Cite the character or Rogue/Marie. Now, the whole conspiracy theory about extermination? The only extermination I see as a result of this action is mutant abilities being taken from the human species, not a genocide! What about that last one, that mutation is a disease, and that it should be cured?

Well, here’s what I say about that. It is a controllable gift, not a disease, but quite literally a genetic mutation. Homosexuality and Autism are passed on in similar fashions. Here’s what you guys should really be saying: mutation, homosexuality, autism, whatever, should not be generalized. These things should be taken by a case by case view, and if it so fits that the patient needs curing, then so be it. It should not be forced and the view on the subject should not include a general sense of the matter. Some mutants can control it, some are out of control.

Some Autistic disabilities allow for great potential, others don’t. Last but not least, at least agree that you should have the right to not be persecuted. This is a cowardly action, but I think people should have this right. It’s not easy. Plus, what the actual cure is, brings up many more moral issues that are under explained. Throughout the movie we are just continuously bombarded with plot points, character development, character traits, character actions and events that could go for miles and miles yet don’t go anywhere, they don’t fill in potential at all; or are under-explained; or are explained but seem like they are wasting some more potential in the process.

First Class and 1 filled in potential correctly, Wolverine and 2 filled in potential incorrectly, but this movie just doesn’t even try to live up to its potential. Though it has action, the action in it is not enough to make up for such a lacking amount of intelligence in its plot points. Sometimes they have little shows where each mutant gets to show off their power, but they’re about as cool as a mix of the Pokemon battles in the anime and a bad Pro Wrestling match. What was supposed to be one of the most dramatic scenes in movie history felt about as powerful as the “sad scene” in the first Pokemon movie.

It is so sad that this turn of events had to be so fucking corny. Not only that, but let’s analyze this a little more. One of the most crucial parts is the character development and story explanation, and there really isn’t enough. Again, everything is underexplained here, and thus we have a hard time caring about what’s going on since we don’t know what we’re dealing with. It is the quality of fan fiction, put into a big budget Hollywood film. Everything feels so generic and “by the book.” Nothing feels unique, nothing feels real. Well, nothing here is realistic, but, within the universe of X-Men it doesn’t feel real.

So many characters, who I won’t specify, are killed off for no good reason at all. It all seems like they either didn’t have an appropriate death, they had more potential for the franchise, or both. It just seems like an excuse to not continue on with the timeline…which is going to be extremely hard with X4. God, how they already messed up the timeline with this movie (and First Class a little), it will be terribly hard to make an X4. Pssh, it just feels like a stupid mess. It doesn’t pander to either the intelligent fans of the first movie or the unintelligent teenage want-it-now idiots.

It just is, plain and simple, a bad movie. With the third act though, it doesn’t really feel that way. It almost feels like a separate entity to the first hour. With the events of the first hour in mind, though poorly executed, the last act while not being intellectual in any way, comes off as exciting, fun, suspenseful and as if the stakes have been raised! OH MAH GAWD, IT IZ WAHN ADA MOST EPIC THINGS, U WILL EVAH C, IN UR LIFE!!!! THERE ARE THINGS GOING ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE, PEOPLE ARE DOING THIS, AND THAT, HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY BALLZ ARE FLYING OFF THE WALLS!!!

Yeah, that last 44 minutes or so was fucking amazing. The final scenes that draw the movie to a close, though more formulaic than Chuck Norris can kick ass, give an emotional, mixed feelings but overall just completion and happiness ending to the series. Especially for this marathon, it’s good to see such an ending. To sum everything up, the first and second act are a jumbled mess that have very little good to speak of, from both the intellectual and action oriented parts of an X-Men movie. The third act feels like an entirely separate entity, being WON A DA MOAST EPIC DINGS U EVAH SEE IN UR LFIE!!!!

SuperMegaUberPumpkinPie. It is entirely formulaic, but I guess sometimes there’s a reason why it’s part of a formula. Besides, it feels like a relief compared to the mess that is the first hour. I have a hard time recommending this movie. On the one hand, I would say skip to the one hour mark. On the other hand, if you don’t know about certain details before going into the climax it can be confusing and irritating. Overall, check it out if you want. The first and second act are 1.5/5, but the climax is easily 4.5/5. This adds up to a 2.5/5. Honestly though, it’s not a terrible movie…it’s just a terrible X-Men movie!

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Oh, and the scene after the credits might redeem one of the unfulfilled potentials...

Godzilla's Final War (2004)

REVIEW OF THE JAPANESE VERSION

It appears as if we land on the last Monster Movie of our 8.1 Monster Movie Marathon! Just in time for the end of the Summer. Damn it’s been fun, going back to my childhood and getting back on a Gojira kick. You know what comes first in a Godzilla review, a little Behind the Scenes information! First off, it is an odd and apparent throughout the film that while Godzilla does kill all other opponents, Angirus, King Ceaser and Rodan remain left alive. Is it because the three monsters are his allies? In this continuity - which we will talk about later - that doesn’t appear to be the case.

No official statement has been given as to the reason, however it is noted that the scene that would be the death of these three characters was filmed and screenshots arose. Shogo Tomiyama, the man responsible for keeping Angirus out of the Kamoebas role in Tokyo S.O.S., is suspect for the change in script. It is also noted that Angirus and Rodan are two of the most popular characters, and maybe Toho had a soft spot. Most people point toward the suits being spared, thus being used later for promotional use. No monster cuts are more than rumor, but since this is a Royal Rumble, there have been many speculations as to who was supposed to be in this movie.

Several monsters have been suspect, as Jet Jaguar, Space Godzilla, Megagirus, Ganimas (who is not even a Godzilla monster), Kiryu, Destroyah, Battra and The Giant Octopus (officially named Oodako). Kiryu is an especially interesting beast, as footage for his role in this film still exists. One line of dialogue even remains but is altered, “launch the Karyu!” Another piece of early development lies in the dialogue featured in the New York scene. Oringally, more use of the word Gigan being left alive for a time after beheading is speculated to reference the original Mechagodzilla.

A Squirtle Pokemon toy is featured a called “a loser” by one of the child characters, probably making fun of Gamera, as Squirtle was directly influenced by Gamera. It should also be noted that after the release of this film, Toho turned down the opportunity to work with a Godzilla vs. Gamera film. The full list of returning characters are these: Godzilla, who’s design I love. He looks bigger and badder than he has ever before. He has a lack of eyes, which give you the trippy experience of seeing his emotions through his eye sockets, and seeing just how much the big G has actually been though.

Mothra, who’s design is good. It is almost too respective of the original, looking kind of dusty and old, but that’s what happens when YOU’RE 12,000 YEARS OLD! (We’ll get to that later.) I don’t like it that much but overall it is a legitimately good design. Monster X, the only new monster in this movie, has such a crazy ass design. He has three heads, is gray and black, and from there is beyond words. Acid trip much, Japan?!?!  Definitely one of Toho’s more creative designs. Gigan has a huge design, one that is debated by fans. I will always love the original Gigan, but this one has more of an evil feel, instead of a cheesy green chicken feel. He is now black, and has a huge arsenal of weapons that makes his original arsenal - which is intact - look like a handgun brought to a World War.

 

Rodan doesn’t have much change. Slight color changes and polish compared to the original give this design a plus. Angirus is the most synthetic looking monster, and looks a lot smaller compared to his original counterpart, and without that mean look given him a childish one. His design is easily the worst, being an insult to even the 1955 suit. King Ceaser has a look with a lot more polish, but unfortunately this brings out the truth of how stupid he originally looked full forced to today’s audience. Ebirah looks good. He looks like an actual crab, has more polish, and they again utilize the very good cinematography of Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster with him.

Minilla just looks even more stupid. NEXT. Zilla (the American GODZILLA), comes to us in CGI form and gets his ass whopped. He looks more synthetic in this movie than the original, and was really there just to insult Columbia Tristar. This is proven in one scene that references the one scene in the American GODZILLA where he appears to breathe fire, but it looks like the worst CGI ever. As if Toho was saying "GODZILLA IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CGI!!!" Odd how the new Godzilla will be CGI. Kamacuras is another good example of an updated costume. Very honoring to the original however polished and with deeper colors.

Kumonga is a similar story to Kamacuras, however his web is a so obviously fake yellow thingy that just makes me laugh, it looks like something you’d put on cake. Manda is not seen much in this film, and he gets a very much needed face overdo, making him look serious instead of stupid. Aside from that, barely any changes are made. Hedorah, who’s design is actually a downgrade compared to the original. Again yelling at someone, Yoshimitsu Banno’s creature is barely in action, and has a design that I guess looks like the original but more synthetic and looks like he’s a fucking teenage boy who has never showered, shaved or taken care of his pimples in his life. Yeah, not as good as the original really.

Monsters appearing in stock footage, mainly the montage at the beginning, includes Varan, Baragon, Gaira, Gezora, Titanosaurus, Megagirus, Mechagodzilla and Godzilla Junior. Also, not official Monsters, Atragon and the Xilians (Destroy All Monsters) also play key roles. Atragon has an updated yet respectful and very cool design. The Xilians have a really interesting design, some gray fish/green goblin. I guess while I’m at it, I will mention the Karyu and the Xilian Spaceship. Well, I don’t think the Xilian spaceship could have been done better. It might be a little synthetic but keep in mind this is 2004, this is pretty damn good CGI.

As for Karyu, he’s cool, but not as cool as Atragon. And as if that wasn’t enough throwbacks, with all the monsters in the movie, that were supposed to be in the movie, that are in stock footage, Atragon, Xiliains, the plot of Destroy All Monsters+Invasion of the Astro Monster, the name “Karyu,” and poking fun at the American GODZILLA, Gorath! FUCKING GORATH! No Maguma in sight - who just so happened to supposed to be in Destroy All Monsters, along with Ebirah - but the planet Gorath is the hoax the Xilians use to gain the human trust. Although the obvious plot hole being how did we not know that there was an extremely large planet heading towards earth before this? This is 2004 people, not 1951!!!

Since we seemed to have dived into the pool of throwbacks, how awesome is it that after one of the Xilians says “GO GIGAN” The originally song from Godzilla vs. Gigan is played? Now let’s talk continuity. Most Millenium films featured a continuity of either the first movie only, none of the previous films, the first movie and extra parts, or in the case of Tokyo S.O.S. Godzilla, Mothra, War of the Gargantuas and Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla, with a reference to Mothra vs. Godzilla. In this movie, the idea is that Godzilla has been attacking Japan for 50 years now, constantly being combated by the M Organization.

This is a group made out of Mutants, and are described to be blatant rip-offs of the X-Men, just to have an excuse to have a bunch of stuntmen fighting monsters with bazookas. In that timespan, all other monsters in this movie both as key roles and stock footage have been attacking Japan, but with no connection to Godzilla whatsoever. It’s not that I don’t like this continuity, but it just seems like they were saying  “okay, these monsters do exist, but Godzilla is the main focus” which I think dishonors the Toho past more than the others. Because here, they’re just seen as unimportant costume party members, were as in most Millenium films, most monsters are given a sense of “they haven’t actually attacked us yet, we DON’T KNOW if they’re as bad a case as Godzilla or not.”

Saying that Toho left it up to fan interpretation for their favorite monster in the series. This movie also successfully and completely makes the Godzilla mythology a proper universe, by extending it to 12,000 years ago, or 9,996 B.C.E. When Gigan attacked earth, and Mothra defended it. Of course, the Battra mythology was also present, but that was much more spoonfed and forced. This film probably features my personal choice for most fun soundtrack in a Godzilla film. While in no way does it compete with the Akira Ifukube scores, I must give it credit for being the most genuinely exciting soundtrack of the Godzilla franchise and also being some of the most tribute like pieces in the modern era.

You could listen to this on your iPod and have fun with it, I don’t know about most other Godzilla songs. Since this is a cheesefest Royal Rumble Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, it suits the mood very well. The plot of this movie is essentially a remake of Destroy All Monsters. Godzilla is trapped, this time under ice instead of on an island with all other monsters, the aliens seize control of all monsters to try to take over us and have us be their cattle. However, changes are made, as Godzilla is used on our side this time; as he was definitely Japan’s superman at this point, they couldn’t do otherwise; and they start out like in Astro Monster, as the aliens offer us partnership.

It’s probably the worst Godzilla plot out of all Millenium films, but that is only due to how cheesy Destroy All Monsters was to begin with. Both films culminate in a showdown with the ultimate monster. Before a royal rumble being the climax, now a straight up Tag Match between four rivals, each pair having a long awaited bone to pick with each other. My original critiquing of the action sequences would have gone for way too long, but I will say this much. Action has been increased from 40% to 80-90%, which scenes of humans fighting Matrix style in addition to awesome monster fights. Some purists think this was a bad idea, Godzilla should only be about monster fights.

Newsflash idiots, Godzilla's first movie didn't have a fight, nor did Godzilla 1985, and many other Toho monster films. Godzilla almost always has human plots. Almost every single fight is fucking awesome, with rare nit-picky selections, such as King Ceaser’s laziness or Kumonga’s fake looking webs. It’s a total fucking blast, some of this stuff is unprecedented in a live action film. It may be a lot like a very long episode of Power Ranges, a rip-off of the Matrix, or a live-action anime, but who fucking cares!?!?!?! IT'S STILL AWESOME!!! Probably the worst complaint with this part though is that the destruction is much rarer, but if that's what we sacrifice for extra action I'm game!

Characters will sometimes speak exclusively English, though most of these characters only appear briefly. Still, it does not feel right. Did I turn on the subtitles for nothing, why is half of the cast speaking English? He does have some good dialogue. Overall, the actors range into three categories. Very good, portraying their role well; overacting and coming off as silly and stupid; or just lazy. The third can range from hamming in your roles to just not fucking caring, At 26:15, I just happened to pause to write this down, and the actress on screen looks EXACTLY like a fucking zombie without all the gore and green skin.

Many of the actors just don’t fucking care at all, no emotion on their faces whatsoever. The actors that fit this category but do try are definitely forcing it. While the dialogue does portray real philosophy occasionally, it mostly holds a lot of awkwardness to it. It is cliché and downright stale, to the point where any person could have been writing this just for the money. It’s obvious that Godzilla was dating Toho’s Thesaurus at the time, and they took an Alaskan vacation during this production. When they were both trapped in the ice, the aliens thought it useful to get Godzilla but no the Thesaurus. (IMMA JEW, U BETTER GET USED TO PUNS.)

You want to know what’s REALLY annoying? Just as a little tid-bit about the Region 1 release, BOTH fairies have individual subtitles. So when they talk, their lines of dialogue are repeated.

Well, as one character said “it’s over now.” The 8.1 Monster Movie Marathon is finished! Boy, what it has been. We covered 17 Toho Daikaiju films this marathon, and in the past 6 others, but there is still over 26 DaiKaiju films that we haven’t covered on the website. for 8 franchise anniversaries and one stand alone anniversary. Godzilla was the real reason why film has got to me. But as another character said, “it’s the beginning of a new war.” I titled this review “Godzilla’s Final War” and not “Godzilla Final Wars” because as soon as this movie was released, and up today, the reality of the end of Godzilla became more and more apparent. Yoshimitsu Banno tried to tell us that it wasn’t dead with Godzilla 3-D to the Max, but that went horribly and has never seen the light of day.

The real war is to get Godzilla off the ground and to show Toho that there is interest in the franchise, especially after Godzilla 2000’s failure in America. People are poisoned by that damn American movie, but it’s up to Legendary Pictures to show Toho that there is interest in the franchise. And then maybe Toho will continue. But that’s next year. Next year, we fight for Godzilla and go see that movie! But now, I must finish this off with giving this movie a proper rating. Actors and dialogue are huge downfalls, and the story sharply turns from serious and philosophical to completely insane constantly. On the other hand, the action, soundtrack and monster designs come in as some of the best if not the best of the series. This movie gets a solid 4/5.

'Til next time folks, I, Da Ca$hman signing off!

Godzilla X Mothra X Mechagodzilla [X Kiryu] (X Kamoebas) (X Kofi Kingston) (2003)

WOAH, Bheema actually got back to doing this?

REVIEW OF THE JAPANESE SPEAKING VESION

It’s a time for a little history! In this movie, a quite infamous/famous scene is Kameobas seen on the shore, killed and eaten by Godzilla. Kamoebas is a monster first seen in the film Space Amoeba, which I reviewed last year. Aside from Godzilla vs. Megagirus, Space Amoeba was the only Toho Monster Movie released at the turn of a decade. He also co-starred with Gezora, a squid, and Ganimes, a crab. This was originally seen as a message to Gamera, however Toho has officially stated that’s bullshit, it has nothing to do with Gamera. Originally, the monster was slated to be Angirus, but the director of this film, Masaaki Tezuka, requested it not to be.

I approve, as Angirus is 1.) Godzilla’s ally and 2.) Much more important to the franchise, as the first monster Godzilla ever fought. I swear, Angirus is to Toho what Luigi is to Nintendo. They also planned on having a scene where we actually saw what Godzilla did to Kamoebas, and they leave a little bit of that scene in, but none which include any carnage. This movie is the first movie in the Millenium series to be a direct sequel, to Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla. So, let’s get a little explaining out of the way. First off, you don’t haft to watch the previous film, although it can help.

Go into it with no prior knowledge and you will latch on instantaneously. The Mechagodzilla featured here is named Kiryu, although sometimes referred to as Mechagodzilla in the film. Others have called him Mechagodzilla III, and of course I’m calling him Mecha V: Kiryu. He was actually made around - literally, around - the skeleton of the original Gojira form 1954. There is a trace of DNA left in Gojira’s bones that is impossible to remove. When he fights the new Godzilla who has arisen from the depths of the sea, he will occasionally think of himself as the original Gojira (iterated in this film as “remembering”), and start going on a rampage of revenge.

Well, this monster has more depth than any other monster save the two he is fighting, Mothra and Godzilla. In addition, Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla doesn’t just recognize the original Gojira. While that is it for the Gojira continuity, it also recognizes War of the Gargantuas and Mosura. This film recognizes that more in depth, featuring a character from the original Mosura, and having him play an important role so many years in the future. Gosh, it’s incredible that we’ve come all this way, isn’t it. This movie is really, really weak with the entrances. All the monsters appear within the first 4 minutes of the film, and there is nothing to their entrances, unlike other films of the series.

(Because unlike some other Robin Hoods…I can speak with an English accent.) Never get tired of that line. Besides any soundtrack in the series done by Akira Ifukube, this is one of the most iconic soundtracks featured in a Godzilla film, and is usually the second most common collection of pieces featured in Godzilla montages, aside from the classic Akira Ifukube pieces. I honestly haft to say it is a little generic…actually, very, very generic. It’s not anything spectacular either, and it doesn’t get you pumped. It’s just like “eh, that’s alright, nothing special.” Why does it get so much love from the fans?

Mothra’s design is really interesting. She is very detailed, that’s for sure. She is also very old, she looks like torn fabric or wool. This could be seen as laziness, but I see it as a metaphor for how old she is, and how far she has come in the series. It also alludes to a theme we saw in Mothra vs. Godzilla, way back from 1964. Although it doesn’t stand true for Kiryu and Godzilla, the three Mothra animals in this film portray facial expressions perfectly almost without even changing them. You can tell exactly what they’re thinking, which is something not present in the big bad lizards.

Kiryu’s design is…well, the most epic sauce of all Mechagodzillas. While it retains the fierce, angry look of the first one, it also has the sleek, shiny new look of the second one. It is very detailed and has a lot of parts to it, while still having appropriate detail to each part. Not to mention, it’s arsenal of weapons provides a potential of destruction that is equivalent to the multitude of both former MechaGs. They try to through in some philosophy about not disturbing the dead, but it works about as much as Mothra or Hedorah’s environmental messages. I still say the only Toho monster movie that truly made an impact with their respective philosophy were Gojira and GMK.

Still, I respect it for trying at something. It just has no solid arguments. Waking the dead, and putting them to good use to save innocent lives is bad? Ugh, well trapping them in the ground or burning their bodies is a lot more wasteful and not much better! Yes, it was against Gojira’s will, the original Godzilla would not want to save mankind, but that’s the problem. He already destroyed so many of us, he doesn’t really get a say in things. The only problem I see with giving Kiryu a model to work around and be built around - quite literally - is the side effect of going on the occasionally rampage.

But if that is the case, you should be able to extract the skeletons and re-build the Mecha without the bones. It would be tough, risky and expensive, but it’s better than risking this giant Mech going around killing everyone. There is no reason solid, logical, long term reason to feel guilty about making Kiryu around Godzilla’s bones! Under all this religious nonsense, there is something real in the philosophy of this movie. The idea that humans have indeed wrecked with the natural order, circle of life, nature, whatever you call it, and that was a mistake for both us and for the other living creatures on the planet. The only way to redeem ourselves is to correct our mistakes, and while it’s a basic concept to grasp, it’s still a very smart one. It just gets buried under the religious nutness.

The actors are a mixed bag, of course. They either seem way too enthusiastic about the role and come off as too cheesy, even for Godzilla standards, or they just don’t seem interested at all and come off as generic and fake. I’d say the only ones that do a decent job are the Mothra fairies, but even they are slackers compared to the original Mothra girls. You can tell that the movie had a really good editor. Two shots put together to create an optical illusion works absolutely fantastic, for making suspending your disbelief almost too easy. But then again, we are watching a Gojira film, I guess suspending your disbelief to eternity is a necessity. 

The cinematography is really, really good too. Almost never is the camera just still, and when it is still, there is always a very good reason for it. Combined with the amazing lighting, which was OF COURSE edited after shots, makes this one of the best looking monster movies out there. But that leads me to my next point, the one part that is not very realistic. In behind the scenes footage contained on the Sony releases of Tokyo S.O.S.  and Final Wars, it becomes extremely apparent. They are not using people in suits anymore. Toho has moved on to using human-sized puppets, so the cost of hiring a dude to be in the suit is no longer a worry.

The costumes don’t take any hits, they still look as they should. However, monsters move extremely awkwardly, and the only way to cover it up is in Slow-Motion; which they do a very good amount, but it sometimes can force the action scenes to drag on. This isn’t always the case, of course. The Mothra vs. Godzilla fight doesn’t really “drag on,” (although it’s not super engaging either) for the most part it’s good. Godzilla can look really awkward sometimes but it’s overall a plus. When Mechagodzilla (Kiryu) joins the fight, it is extremely satisfying, and I do mean extremely.

Things are going everywhere, and at this point it doesn’t need to be fast to be awesome. Some of the craziest stuff I’ve seen in a Godzilla movie ever happens in this movie, including some of the most realistic building destruction in a Gojira film. If you’re a Gojira fan, you’re probably aware of the plot element that is extremely similar to a certain 1964 film…that was pretty nice Toho. Shows they do pay respect to the following films--even though that movie is considered one of the best, probably top 5. Trust me, in the end, the actors, plot and fights are not the high point of this movie.

It truly is how amazing this movie looks. I have never seen a better looking Monster Movie up to this point in time. You take out 80% of the human interaction and the subtitles this could pass as a Gojira effects show. Fortunately it’s not though. The Effects, Costumes (except for Gojira maybe), Lighting, Cinematography, and most of all crazy good editing job make for an extremely beautiful movie. The reprise of the oh so famous Mothra Song sent fucking chills down my fucking spine. It’s always been the same song, and very similar singers, but this one, mixed with the look, has the most power out of all of them.

(Yeah, Mr. Lead Butterfly, I have not seen the Rebirth of Mothra films. It’s on my to do list.)

The dialogue is pretty effortless. It’s probably a combo of an Arnold Schwarzenegger Action and a Pokemon Game, but it never came off as intrusively bad. As a side note, the American-English language is no longer a proper language but just a means of communication. Throughout watching all the Gojira films, I’ve noticed that the subtitles will often read “Gonna” or “Wanna” instead of “Going to” or “want to.” I’ve always seen that as fine if you’re just an average dude writing, but if you’re writing for da dolarz u butter naught write GONNA ET WANNA. Then again, I just typed that sentence and technically I’m working for money now.

The ending here is one that has always stayed with me, and that’s a very big accomplishment for a Gojira film. I won’t spoil anything, but I’ll tell you it’s one that you’ll be thinking about for a while. Well, overall, this is a very good entry in the series. With fights that prove that speed does not equal quality, an amazingly put together visual style, and an ending that sticks together in your head, it proves to have a lot of loving effort put into it. However, acting, dialogue and a choice of puppets over guys in suits brings this down from being one of the beset in the series either. I’m giving this a 3.8/5

I, Da Ca$hman singing off. Final Review: Godzilla: Final Wars.

X2: X-Men United (2002)

United indeed?

So, I’ve obviously gone into this with high hopes. Who wouldn’t? After hearing all the positive reviews, loving the original, and knowing that this movie is supposed to be better than the first X-Men movie, of course I would have high hopes! The introduction narration gives me hope that that hope will be hopefully hopified…Wow. The opening narration gives me hope that my dreams will come true? God, I am a cheese monster. However, the first live-action Non-CGI sequence point towards a slightly cheesy, over the top and formulaic Summer Cheesfest that is on the level of Wolverine. As we dive into this movie, let’s hope that it doesn’t turn out that way.

Speaking of CGI ,while it looks nice, it doesn’t make sense that a movie released 3 years after its predecessor would have weaker SFX. The soundtrack to this movie may be alright out of context, but damn in context it just reaches a few notches about Corny! NO, CANNOT TAKE IT! I noticed the actors all did well. They basically played the same person who they did in X-Men 1, and damn I loved the acting in that movie. But I was just so stupefied at the lazy, lazy writing. There were probably at least 20 plot holes within the first 20 minutes (a plot hole per minute).

I could not understand these events, actions or statements that characters made or were inferred to make due to my knowledge of the characters and the relationships between characters and other characters or society due to the previous three films that I watched. Yes, even Wolverine. Even if this movie was just a sequel to the first movie, it still doesn’t make sense as those characters and relationships are the ones that I grew the most attached to, understood and are the most fresh in my mind. Of course they were affected by the two prequels, but still, the point is that a loop hole per minute that affects a character directly OR indirectly is a fatal flaw. Sometimes I will even notice plot holes that appeared in previous films, and I find that is because I’m not as engaged or interested in the story as previous installments.

Continuing on that note, the dialogue here is so stupid compared to all other films I’ve seen so far. In every movie I’ve watched the dialogue was one of three things: had a lot of strong, intelligent social commentary; was important to moving the plot forward; or developed the characters in one way or another. Here, a lot of dialogue is pointless, or represents a point not very interesting and not very important to the plot, and is also extremely corny, which is a notch above cheesy which I cannot climb. Even some scenes feel completely pointless, whether or not they contain plot holes.

This film also feels miles more over the top then the original film did, and that weakens any seriousness that I possessed previously with X-Men.  Not that I don’t recognize the obvious fantasy elements of the previous film, or any of the previous pieces of the timeline for that matter, but there was a sense of integrity, intelligence, strong social commentary and seriousness in the first movie and First Class. Not Wolverine though. In this movie, they sometimes hint at prospects that would result in intelligent social commentary, but never fully explore them. Yeah, maybe they’re leaving it up to the audience so they can decide themselves, which I can respect to a certain point, but I would like it if I knew the movie was sure of what it was talking about.

Some events in the movie or new traits that just suddenly appear out of nowhere applied to new characters seem extremely convenient to the plot, so much so that it seems unrealistic that this would actually happen in this universe. In the original, they had quiet moments where the film could breath, so that there was a proper sense of tension and a real feel of the events going on. Here, they not only throw that out the window but they mock it by having one of the characters say “I don’t like uncomfortable silences.” WHAT?! There was ONE scene of a quiet moment, and it’s pretty good. Just wish there was a little more of those scenes. The original had excitement due to stakes being raised, not because of big explosion action scenes.

This movie doesn’t have much of either, but it does have a few good scenes of suspense. Most of the time this movie focuses on drama that would normally be filled with intelligent social commentary, or good character development. It tries to develop characters and be intelligent, but most of the time it does neither and instead makes me like the characters a lot less, which is really bad because this is a direct sequel to the first one with all the same actors. Sometimes positive development occurs, but it is nothing compared to the complexity of the characters in X-Men. One scene in particular that has this sense of suspense. However it later turns into just another action scene clearly meant for a video game adaptation.

That’s what this all adds up to: lazy writing! *SPOILER ALERT.* When the “good guys” team up with the “bad guys” for a common goal, I would understand if there was some sort of purpose that was substantial, but the only one provided is that Stryker might take over the world. A small fraction of the group of the X-Men could handle that situation, it is not substantial. However, on the positive note, the relationship between the “good” and “bad” “guys” I find to be quite interesting, engaging, and represents a possible partnership towards a common goal even if different beliefs are shared between the two parties.

This only made me remember the obvious metaphor for homosexuals, but at this point it really could be any minority under discrimination. *SPOILERS OVER.* Since we’re on the subject of character development now, I really wanted to see Wolverine find more about his past, but as we see almost no results from his trip to Canada I began to realize why we aren’t going to see him discover much. If he discovered enough to redeem the ending of Origins: Wolverine, then they would have never made Wolverine! They would have already explained what happened in the past!

They wouldn’t have any NEED for an origin story! As I realized this my heart sank and I lost hope for any redemption of the ending of the Origin story of the MOST FAMOUS X-MAN OF ALL TIME. The one thing he finally comes to remembering is the scene where he was infused with S.U.M.A.R.F.S. (that’s my acronym not theirs), but nothing else, not even his girlfriend or his brother, except of course some suspicions about the two, his brother being in the previous film, his girlfriend being here. But it’s nothing more than a glaring look in the eye that says “hey, I’ve met you before, but where?” NOT SUBSTANTIAL.

I will say the climax has a lot of potential and fills up on some of it, but due to the flawed feeling of the earlier portions of the film, it doesn’t live up to true expectations, and to add to that, it is REALLY predictable. One thing happens or another, there are essentially 2 options. Either way though, it’s good sequel material, can’t say I’m all that happy after hearing things about X3. This is a rare case of a movie that doesn’t have much potential but tries to live up to it. The writers are completely incompetent but the acting and directorial style are very noteworthy efforts. I’d recommend a Blockbuster rent on a Weekend, but nothing more. However, so many people love this movie, so I guess I would suggest looking for a second opinion. 3.3/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Godzilla X Mothra X King Ghidorah (X Baragon) (X Beast): Giant Monsters All Out-Attack (2001)

REVIEW OF THE JAPANESE SPEAKING VERSION.

Ah, the 10th Anniversary of the longest Godzilla title ever, and one of the best Gojira films. At first, this year was scheduled for Godzilla vs. Uchujin, in which an Astronaut mutated in space to some sort of Demon Caveman and battled Godzilla. After this idea was scrapped, they came up with Giant Monsters All Out Attack. However, this was not the first idea. At first, they wanted to represent some of the underdogs, in Godzilla X Angilas X Varan X Baragon. They replaced Angirus and Varan with King Ghidorah and Mothra later, making it Godzilla X Mothra X King Ghidorah X Baragon.

I think that might have been a  bad choice, considering Angirus and Varan both have more star power than Baragon. Varan really should have more screen time, despite his fame above Baragon. I really think Varan would have been cool in this movie, but of course I would have preferred Angirus the most. They ended up removing Baragon from the title and just sapping more money from their biggest three assets. I also wonder what it would have been like if they had Rodan in the fourth slot, because he has a lot of star power as well. King Ghidorah and Mothra appear much smaller than their usual monster movie appearances, and this is due to the original proposal, because Godzilla’s foes were all supposed to be weaker then him.

When you consider everything, it’s not just the star power, the original script did feature all monsters that were way weaker than Gojira. However, Mothra is also weaker than Gojira, despite Ghidorah being more powerful than any of them. In this movie, they again only recognize the first film, like the previous in the series. However, they REALLY put a different spin on things. Godzilla vs. Megagirus was awkward continuity? Godzilla vs. Megagirus was Science Fantasy? TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. Godzilla is the reincarnation of the Kamikaze soldiers who died in World War 2!!! Mothra. Baragon AND King Ghidorah are ALL Ancient Gods! Wh-Wh-Wh…WHAT?!?!

Oh, and speaking of “continuity,” they insult Roland Emmerich & Company by mentioning an attack in New York City that was reported as Godzilla in the U.S., however Japan does not think it was Godzilla and instead sees it as a different monster. Just a note, Godzilla did attack New York in “Destroy All Monsters,” which took place 1 year after the events of the American GODZILLA. Just saying. Either way, I can tell they don’t completely think they’re God and Sony is Satan. They just think they’re God and Sony is Zilla. They show this in a number of ways, obviously one being that 82% of the Godzilla series has been released on DVD by Sony (vs. Megalon, vs. Biollante, 1985 never on DVD, Destroy All Monsters by AP and King Kong vs. Godzilla by Universal).

Another when a big guy at the movie studio featured in this film states “we’re expected to make cheap Sci-Fi series.” Obviously poking fun at themselves. Each monster’s entrance is pretty awesome. Godzilla’s is more personal, from the view of the people, and is also poking fun at the American version. Mothra has an entrance that would normally belong to Jason Voorhees, and King Ghidorah’s entrance is an emulation of Legend of Zelda! Baragon’s entrance is just plain awesome, it has the right atmosphere, and like always, you can tell what he’s thinking through is facial expression and the situation.

The monster designs are a mixed bag. Godzilla and Baragon have Badass designs, however Godzilla is a little insane…that’s all I can say about that. Mothra and Ghidorah’s design are too heavy on the stereotypical “ancient Chinese Mythology” stereotypes, and don’t retain any of the awesomeness that the original designs had. Mothra’s larva does have this, but she only makes a very small appearance. Despite the insanity featured in this movie, it somehow is able to fit in some philosophy among it’s Nuclear Dinosaur with ghosts in his soul and Three Giant Gods of varying description. Now, I expected maybe a little hint at it.

What I got though, was a very direct and smart though brief and less detailed look at the situation of Hiroshima and the first Gojira film. Though I say brief, it is much more then what I would have expected. It gives a steady contrast making the film somewhat believable in terms of the Gojira saga. I didn’t really want to detail the philosophy because I want you to find it out on your own, but hell, I must for a complete review. The movie addresses how lightly society takes historic disasters. As an American example, everyone flips out over 9/11, getting all mad and crying, because we were actually there.

However, Pearl Harbor and the Holocaust are simply used for pop culture. When you feature Hitler in a Rap Battle, and Mussolini in a Comedy Cartoon Music Video, that’s bullshit. It doesn’t respect the lives that were lost. Here, in Japan, they address Hiroshima and Godzilla, and how in the universe of this movie, today’s Japan is completely separate from the lives lost in those two instances. In one part of the movie, a woman in the grocery shop says “What are you talking about? Godzilla is just a Legend!” When in fact in the context of this film he actually happened.

In this context, that is the exact equivalent of someone saying “What are you talking about? The Holocaust is just a Legend!” Oh wait…YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!?!?! So, Godzilla came back re-incarnated as the dead soles of the Kamikazi to try to remind us what disaster is like. I don’t think it will change lives or minds, but it might get you thinking. Honestly, I think this is probably the truest sequel to the original than any of the other direct sequels (Godzilla Raids Again, Godzilla 1985, Godzilla vs. Megagirus, Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla.) Speaking of a more serious tone, As I mentioned earlier Godzilla’s entrance is more personal.

Well, there are other scenes like this, and let me tell you they are CRUEL. The only problem here is the characters are complete crap, unlike Cloverfield. The acting and dialogue is pretty stupid too. Seriously, this only affects that small part of this movie due to it’s uniqueness in this franchise. If you are watching Godzilla for the HUMAN characters I don’t know what is wrong with you. Oh, and speaking of the original Gojira, they AGAIN remake scenes from the first one, this time just going full out color and better atmosphere, instead of Godzilla vs. Megagirus which did an artistic fusion of B&W and Color.

This movie has an amazing soundtrack! Sure, it’s not as great as any of the works of the master Akira Ifukube, however it is probably the most fun soundtrack in a Godzilla film, maybe besides Godzilla’s Final War. (We’ll discuss that title later.) A techno-rock-pop mix with a splash of Lion King, in that order, providing the mood of a Fatal-4-Way showdown. And it doesn’t let up either! The monster destruction; special effects, cinematography; and monster fighting are all fucking awesome, completely over the top yet bare some seriousness due to the surprising amount of philosophy contained in this film, not saying it will change your life or anything, but it’s one of the upwards of the Godzilla franchise.

Speaking of monster fighting, let’s analyze each. The first fight is between Godzilla and Baragon. This fight is not what you’d expect out of a Millenium fight or any era of Monster fights. It’s like watching a Chess game translated into Monster Fights. It’s not hyper, eccentric or theatrical, however it is strategic and suspenseful and has it’s *gasps* climaxes. The ending to that fight is just…WOW. Okay, it’s not really the ending, although that’s pretty awesome too. But there’s a scene where you know, Godzilla has won the fight, and it’s pretty damn incredible. The climatic fight is between the three characters in the title. At first, it’s just Mothra and Godzilla. This section attempts to be atmospheric and surreal - and it tries HARD - but unfortunately it just comes off awkward.

When Ghidorah jumps in, OOOOH YEEAAAH NOW IZZZA PARTAH!!! It truly does become what it aims to be - atmospheric, surreal, metaphoric and of course suspenseful! A big portion of this fight, and the ending, can get you a little emotional…but only a little. When the final string is struck, it shows the prime reason why you should be watching this while high. Overall, this movie is just plain awesome. While it features a mind blowing amount of explained yet still acidic proposals to the screen, it also features legitimate though not truly in depth philosophy. The soundtrack, special effects, monster fights and half of the monster designs are great, but the acting, characters and dialogue are for shit. One of my favorite Godzilla movies ever, and everything considered, probably one of "the best." 4.75/5

I, Da Ca$hman singing off.

Godzilla vs. Megagirus (and Meganula) (and Meganulon) (ft. Mutant Ninja Turtles) (2000)

REVIEW OF THE JAPANESE SPEAKING VERSION.

Skipping over two movies of the Gojira franchise (however not forgetting Mothra’s epic return to lead role), which were both his death and return, we now venture into “Godzilla vs. Megagirus (and Meganula) (and Meganulon) (vs. Megamind). The question all of you are asking is, why? The 7.1 list (yeah, jumping the shark here), is Rodan, Mothra, Gaira, Sanda, Giant Condor, Ebirah, Hedorah and ‘Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah.’ Well, I just remembered it’s now 8.1! The 8.1 Monster Movie Marathon grew from just 4.1…the days. Meganulon was the original insect from Rodan (as if you needed to know that), however he makes his not only return, but his evolution and queen in this film.

This movie brings about its own universe in one of the most unnatural ways that a Godzilla movie can. Most Godzilla movies recognize the original Gojira the way it was at first, and if they don’t, they just don’t bring up any Godzilla history at all. This time around, there are three new Godzilla attacks made up from scratch to explain the history of Gojira in this film. A 1954 attack, which is truly inspired by the original, however heavily altered including no mention of Dr. Serizawa or the Oxygen Destroyer. It also includes a 1966 attack, which, despite its year, is not inspired by the first Summer Blockbuster Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster.

There is also a 1996 attack…which that year belongs strictly to Mothra! These are explained by Japanese Energy Production. But now, in the year 2001 (Toho has a weird sense of setting movies only a very limited time in the future), there is no Japanese Energy Production, yet Gojira is somehow attracted. Yeah…it doesn’t get any more realistic folks. So, their new strategy is to destroy Godzilla with a black hole. Even if you haven’t seen this Internet Cartoon (http://tohokingdom.com/media/toons/toon_68.htm) you are probably able to tell that a black hole the size of an ant would suck up the entire solar system.

Yet they make it 2 Meters…yeah, so much for Science Fiction. More like Science Fantasy. Not a Sci-Fi/Fantasy hybrid, I’m talking a Fantasy movie based in Science. No proper explanation whatsoever for the occurrences but are extracted out of real life events. I guess the Atom Bomb mutated Godzilla, yet I still wonder how he survived that though after all these years. So, to make things even more confusing, Megagirus is a Meganula which got stuck in a test Black Hole and mutated. Yet they think that Godzilla will be sucked in even if a 3 meter Dragonfly doesn’t fit?

So, at this point I just gave up. This movie does not even try at the Science, and because of its franchise roots, I’m gonna have to count that against it. Megagirus has a really cool design. It’s like a Dragonfly-Hornet hybrid with Dinosaur skin and fierce red eyes. It’s never been decided what gender, but since I’m just on a role with this, I’m calling Megagirus a she in addition to Mothra, Biollante, Rodan’s Mate and Godzilla. Her army, the Meganula, are essentially 3 meter dragonflies with orange skin. Not insanely awesome, but convey the “giant bug” idea well.

The monster fighting is just plain awesome in this movie. In Godzilla vs. MEGAlon, we had Godzilla fly on his tail. In Godzilla vs. MEGAgirus, we had Godzilla do a BODY SLAM ON A DRAGONFLY. THAT. TAKES. SKILL. Godzilla’s firing his beam at a giant swarm of Meganula, Megagirus is stringing absolutely everybody, a black hole is launched at earth THREE TIMES, there’s stop motion, camera tricks, plot twists, it’s a Battle Royal. My only hope not fulfilled was that Megagirus would call upon her army, and attack Godzilla with her army as the climax.

Then, Godzilla would embody Chuck Norris’ soul. Hey, he split the Union with a roundhouse kick. There isn’t much City Destruction in this film, and it’s not superb or even at standards when shown. Godzilla’s new design is featured here, though already seen in Godzilla 2000. He is green with purple dorsal fins, and a Badass…everything. THIS is the Godzilla that people take seriously! The only thing is I never thought he was “the” Godzilla, but he was the best looking Godzilla. The Godzilla in vs. Megalon is just a joke compared to this. The dialogue here is very much like the dialogue in most Millennium films, with a good touch of Hesei. - For those of you wondering, I finally found out how it is pronounced: Hay-Say. - However, it feels a little calmer, relaxed, not very hyper, compared to other films of that era. That’s all I gotta say about that. It’s a monster bash, simply put, filled with plot holes and many oddities. You’ll have fun with this flick, trust me. 3.45/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

X-Men (2000)

Through the prequels, we're going right into the first movie of the series.

We return to good ol’ fashion ‘Merican cinema and no longer require subtitles or cheesy racist American actors. We’ve been through both prequels and have a proper idea of how the characters act and feel, so now let’s get this show on the road! Good warning: Watch the prequels first. This movie makes a helluva lot more sense with the prequels, character development aside. 20th Century Fox is going to make a sequel to Wolverine, an origins for Deadpool, and two sequels to First Class. Looking at the timeline with very, very little knowledge of the original comic run, I think that would probably be a good decision as far as filling in gaps in the story, but the two prequels alone suffice as a foundation for the story and characters. They are also thinking of making X4, but we’ll save that for our review of X3.

The pacing in this movie is close to perfect. It has a very good and appropriate amount of quiet moments. The conversations are very interesting. I wouldn’t call the dialogue amazing, it’s not something that will make you rethink anything on the planet, but the point is it is very interesting. I listened intently to every single conversation and was very engaged by them. I think one part of it is that it makes you THINK, where most dialogue these days is pretty damn thoughtless. Not saying it’s completely void of thought, but this is how you do it.

You won’t rethink anything, but you will progress your thought on that subject matter. When dialogue is not thoughtful and intelligent, it is light hearted and fun, and they pull that off well too. It also remains exciting without people blowing up cars, and it is actually exciting because stakes are raised. While it’s always been common, this was before it was standard to make video games out of movies. Nowadays you see many action scenes that act like video games, some in Wolverine I noticed are similar to inFAMOUS. These are pretty much there in case someone wants to buy the license.

Here, they weren’t thinking much about video games. This movie is exciting because stakes are raised, not because of the actual action choreography. This movie is also not respectful of our “want it now” mood in today’s society and has a near perfect amount of both breathing moments and scenes of plot/character development instead of full on action 2/3rds of the time. The one scene that was notable for its action choreography was the fight between Wolverine and Sabretooth. Holy Hell is this an awesome fight. The stakes are even more raised (there we go again) by the fact that they are brothers, one knows and one doesn’t.

You wonder when Sabretooth will give the big reveal, but he seems to have loosed a lot of intelligence over the twenty or show years between Wolverine and 1.5. The only thing is the resolution to this fight is lackluster. I also noticed the story was the ultimate example of a story that is interesting and progresses at an appropriate rate while not being spoonfed, and details get revealed at a right pace throughout the film. One thing about the storyline was at first I was worried about the amount of plot holes I was spotting. Then I realized I was spotting them because the movie was more interesting, not because this was a less intelligent film then the average movie.

In fact, quite the opposite. While we’re treading along that water, let’s talk about how the characters are handled. I mentioned in my Wolverine review that so many characters were very interesting and deserved more screentime. This movie improves that ratio. Many characters get adequate screen time but I can’t say that the characters are anywhere near as interesting as in Wolverine. But, whatever, that’s a very personal preference and I can’t bash the movie for having people I wouldn’t want to hang out with. The X-Men universe is a very large one and I cannot wait to see how far they go into the universe of Mutants, being that it seems as if there are even more.

The Wolverine character is much like the above, but you remember what I said about Wolverine? Well, his resolution hints at a re-discovery of his past, and this would completely make up for the ending of Origins: Wolverine. The obvious metaphor featured in the X-Men universe for Homosexuals is not quite as forced here as it was in First Class, and where I wasn’t even thinking about it in Wolverine. This movie was released in 2000, 9 years before Avatar, so I think it’s fair to critique it’s SFX. While they are not often (as CGI should), when it is there it looks freaking fantastic.

This movie has very little wrong with it, is extremely engaging, and is an action movie done right. After seeing the prequels it makes perfect sense, and the pacing is perfect. I swear I hand these out like candy these days. 5.25/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Godzilla (and M.O.G.U.E.R.A.) vs. Spacegodzilla (ft. Godzilla Junior) (ft. Fairy Mothra) (ft. Mothman) (1994)

REVIEW OF THE ENGLISH SPEAKING VERSION.

 

Aaah, it seems we’re out of ‘Merica and back to the Monster Fighting, Samurai Sword Swinging, Sushi Eating, Insert Stereotype Hereing, land of the rising sun, Japan! In time for America’s 215th Birthday…hell, let’s do it. Five years taken from 11 score ago, our fathers decided that instead of slaughtering Native Americans they’d rather slaughter the Brits. They celebrated their obvious victory against a bunch of bossy pussies by blowing up bombs, blowing up guns, and blowing themselves. We still do this ancient tradition today, scare many dogs, small children and retards.

We do it not in honor of the great things our founding fathers, such as Benjamin Franklin, George Washington and especially Thomas Jefferson did. Rather, we do it in our love of blowing things up, and we add hot dogs to the mix to show how much we live killing things. Yes, we kill and violate innocent animals, humans, plants, all for our gluttonous self pleasure. Hell, let me tell you a personal story about Barack Obama. Okay, his wife’s got this whole get out and exercise campaign? *Microphone gets cut off.* What the hell? Well he, he…fuck. I CAN’T BE SILENCED!!! THERE IS FREEDOM OF SPEECH IN THIS COUNTRY, LIKE JEFFERSON WANTED!!!! I CAN’T BE SILENCED!!! ICAN’T BE SILENCED!!! *cuts to LAW&ORDER.* Alright, that was my little Glenn Beck-ish moment. Anyone who watched the June 27th edition of Monday Night RAW probably knows what I’m talking about.

As I’ve already stated, there was an early edition of this idea planned for 1978. Did you also know that the revived character from The Mysterians, M.O.G.U.E.R.A., had his place originally slated for Mecha III: Godzilla II? Yes, a rebooted version of Mecha II: Godzilla was planned for this movie, and I thought it would have been cooler. However, the idea to have three characters that look like Godzilla playing all the major roles was a little too much. The “finale” of the Gojira series came afterwards, with Godzilla vs. Destroyah. This movie had a few ideas passed around with it, including Godzilla vs. Ghost Godzilla. Or, it was originally going to be Godzilla vs. Godzilla.

Yeah, again, that would have been fucking awesome, but I understand that they needed an original monster for the finale, and it delved into what is there of Godzilla’s psychology well. The plot was that the ghost of the original Gojira from 1954 would rise up, adding Fantasy to the already present elements of Horror and Science Fiction. Nerds dream eh? I can also imagine the special effects would have been unconvincing. Toho specializes with people in suits and stringed puppets. They don’t do CGI or trick photography like Universal did so well in 1933-1945 with The Invisible Man franchise, and they would not have a good foundation to do it.

They also tossed around the idea of Godzilla fighting Bagan, the character from Super Godzilla. I don’t see any reason to throw this out, but I don’t see any reason to keep it in either. It was also going to involve Atragon/Gotengo, a mix of the Showa and Millenium designs. The soundtrack is not done by Akira Ifukube, even though his pieces are reused, however another person stepped up to the plate, as this was obviously a rushed production due to the American GODZILLA film being put off. To explain it again, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II was supposed to be the last part of the saga, as the American version was supposed to come out that year.

However, when it got pushed back to 1998, Toho decided to make two more films. As a result, we don’t have Akira Ifukube, and while the music still tries to stand to his name, it sounds like a mix of E.T., Godzilla and Gamera, maybe a touch of Goonies, James Bond, Star Wars, Jaws, War Dramas and oddly enough the iconic soundtrack of Star Fox is what I most liken it to. I believe the original SNES game was released 2 years prior. It’s just a bunch of other good sounds put together to make you think what you’re watching is better than what it really is.

Some may be wondering about the convoluted explanation for Spacegodzilla. There’s one explanation that at the end of Godzilla and Mothra (and Battra) (and Batman) when Mothra went into space, her cells got separated into space. Also, due to her fight with Godzilla, his skin cells also went into space. They formed in a white hole to create Spacegodzilla. That’s all fine and good, but they actually give A SECOND explanation! That it was Biollante’s cells. At the end of Godzilla vs. Biollante, Biollante’s cells go up into space, and of course her cells are part Godzilla, part Girl and part Plant.

I choose to believe the former. The reason? In Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, they erased Godzilla from history, so Biollante could never have existed. Also adding to why it was a better idea to have Destroyah and not Ghost Godzilla. Plus, you need a proper mixture of unique cells. If it’s just Biollante’s cells it would just be SpaceBiollante…wait a second…HEY, TOHO, HOW YA DOING?!?! Hey, did I mention Mothra? Why, yes I did. After all, Mothra, Rodan, Ebirah, Hedorah, Gaira, Sanda, Giant Condor and ‘Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah’ anniversaries were the whole reason we were doing this marathon in the first place!

And yes, being that those two monsters debuted in that film, I am now officially calling it the 7.1 Monster Movie Marathon. I know it’s another name change, but now it rhymes again!...Sort of! So, Mothra does appear, but only in stock footage or “Fairy Mothra” form. When Mothra is not convenient travel, the fairies turn into a holographic image of Mothra (maybe they would have done well with Ghost Godzilla after all, looking at this,) to get around places and accomplish goals. This counts enough for me to get another movie in. M.O.G.U.E.R.A.’s new design is as goofy as hell, but I think they were going for that. The original Moguera from The Mysterians looked like a dorky, nerdy, robot version of E.T. with a pinned nose and black eyes.

He looked all depressed and was just overtly stupid. Speaking of which, they originally planned to have a beast that essentially looked like a fat, old mix of Baragon and a Dragon for Moguera in The Mysterians. THAT would have been cool. But since the original was stupid, this is a huge improvement, at least now there is one way around it to take him seriously. Godzilla Junior is in this movie. Some people compare his looks to Barney the Purple Dinosaur. I can’t see how that works, but he is just as cheesy. At least NOT AS ANNOYING…DAMN. They were in fact going to make a preschooler show based on Godzilla Junior, but plans didn’t fall through. Thank the Lord.

It looks like Godzilla has made the jump from Villain to Anti-Hero again. Unfortunately, this time around, in the 40th Birthday of Godzilla as opposed to his 10th, the transformation is not quite as real. No, actually, it’s just nonexistent. It doesn’t happen. That’s crap. Okay, Spacegodzilla is fucking awesome. He is an older, more badass, and more Dinosaur version of Godzilla, with fangs and endless Crystals.  He has a real chest, like an ape. The amount of supernatural powers he has are incredible, and which can match Gojira are even better. The only thing I’m not particularly fond of is his roar, which is pretty weak.

There’s an infamous scene in this movie where the tip of Godzilla’s tail breaks off. Now, I didn’t at first understand why they would be so fucking lazy. But I guess they use the same suit over and over for each movie that requires this type of suit. I just wish that they made new suits. Judging by Godzilla vs. Gigan and this movie, I guess that didn’t happen. The cinematography is really well done. They do a great job of making each monster seem an appropriate size, and camera angles are varied and artful. In the first scene on earth featuring Spacegodzilla, Godzilla Junior gets trapped. Godzilla ignores this in the final cut, however a frame left in the film shows that there was originally a scene where Godzilla would inspect his imprisonment. There were also other lost scenes, such as Mogeura’s test flight, and a war at sea between Godzilla and The Navy.

The American Actors are completely over the top, but in a fun way. The dubbing doesn’t match people’s mouths at all, but in no way am I starting a “Release Godzilla vs. Spacegodzilla” on Blu-Ray campaign. The dialogue, however, is painfully generic. Many common debates are brought up. These debates are worth discussion, but they just prove the same points that many other sources have made, it doesn’t add anything to the discussion. Thus, it feels repetitive. The monster fighting in this movie is less focused on the action and more focused on umm…being weird.

The atmosphere is dark and alien (Jews invented the pun), and monsters move not too fast but in ways that are completely unrealistic and weird, not normal. It all has a subtle calmness to it, even though what you are watching is the most unreasonable, unrealistic, completely insane shit you have ever seen in your life. Overall, this movie is just a bunch of generic thrown together with generic in a generic generic generic. There’s nothing new here, it takes from other sources and mashes it together. Not to mention, these sources are THE most overused sources, save Giant Monster Movies. If monster action is what you’re looking for, you’re not going to get it, and it feels oddly short and unsatisfying. The monster designs and science have their perks, but are sunken by faults in those fields. The acting is over the top and the dialogue is generic. 3.5/5

I, Da Ca$hman singing off.

Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

46 minutes never felt so much like 46 minutes...

This is a Mel Brooks film released in 1993, of course making fun of Robin Hood, as Spaceballs did for Star Wars and Young Frankenstein did for well…Frankenstein. Like most of his films, this movie has a balanced mix of parody of the source material, parody of other pop culture aspects (such as Judaism), and it’s own original humor, all in a respectful yet politically incorrect manner. It’s not on the same level as Spaceballs or Young Frankenstein as far as comedy goes, but it can get pretty funny. It has a lot of both subtle and so overtly blatant humor that it never feels snobbish nor spoiling. It’s a perfect balance.

Now, I’m no person to be critiquing comedy. I’m an Aspie (Autistic) and Jewish. That’s not exactly the best mix for critiquing a comedy film…which may also explain why only one of Steven Spielberg’s comedy films (counting all BTTF films as one movie) works. But hey, I’m Ramboing! Point is, the comedy works. It’s balanced, varied, not snobbish yet not spoiling. It’s not flawless or on the level of some past Mel Brooks films, and can get umm…REALLY stupid at times. Most of the time, it works well, it picks jokes at exactly what should be picked on yet at the same time knows how to do it in a fresh way.

The movie really moves fast. It does feel like how long it is, in that respect it’s not fast. However, not a single second of this film feels tedious, not even the REALLY stupid part(s). All characters are unique within the context of the film, and within the context of parody make fun of specific archetypes in the way that this film does. Mel Brooks films are often very character driven for comedy, and this is no exception. To show that Mel Brooks is good at making fun of archetypes, stereotypes and pop culture ideas while still being respectful, Mel Brooks himself (a Jew) plays a stereotypical Jewish Rabbi and makes fun of the culture in various ways including the invention of Circumcision.

Now, I know that saying this movie should make fun of Fantasy archetypes would be n00bish. This is more making fun of the medieval England that the Robin Hood tales tell, as the title would assume to. But I must ask this one question - why not poke a little fun at Dragons? Maybe not by appearance, but at least by mention! Whatever. The actors are pitch perfect, I cannot stress this enough. They play their roles perfectly, I hate to say, but even better then in Spaceballs or Young Frankenstein. The Production Value would look amazing if this was made in the 70’s, and I guess it might be going for that, but for a 90’s movie it looks rather cheap.

The only thing I say that really hurts the film is the plot is executed in a really contrived manner. Plot points are explained somewhat logically, but they just feel rushed. “Oh shit, we gotta have this character over here, not here! Quick…DO SOMETHING WITH THE SCRIPT!” In fact, this movie might as well be self-aware of that, as you can see in a joke portrayed in the Archery contest. Whatever. I recommend this movie for it’s comedy and acting. It’s nowhere near perfect, but you should have a fun time watching this movie. The Rating? I dunno, 4.2/5

I, Da Ca$hman singing off.

Godzilla (and Fire Rodan) vs. Mechagodzilla II (and Garuda) (ft. Godzilla Jr.) (ft. Frankenstein Jr.) (1993)

REIVEW OF THE JAPANESE/ENGLISH SPEAKING HYBRID VERSION...yeah, I know. (Trailer is terrible quality.)

It’s history time! Quick win today. (OR IS IT?) The early draft of this movie featured a Godzillasaurus and a design for Mechagodzilla II that was more reminiscent of the original Mechagodzilla from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla and Terror of Mechagodzilla. Oh, wait, his name is not Mechagodzilla II? That’s right, the Mechagodzilla featured here is technically called Mechagodzilla. However the confusion came from the title, but that was actually in reference to this being the second Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla movie. But that doesn’t make any sense because Terror of Mechagodzilla was the second film in that series, and even the Mechagodzilla featured in THAT MOVIE was called Mechagodzilla II.

The confusion continued when the Atari Video Games of Today featured the monster called Mechagodzilla II, however that was because of their personal timeline. In Godzilla: Destroy: All: Monsters: Melee the Xliians create their own Mechagodzilla, which looks a helluva lot like the one featured in this film. He was utterly defeated, and the G-Force and in Godzilla: Save: The: Earth made a new version that looked extremely similar, calling him Mechagodzilla II. The Xilians later re-designed their Mechagodzilla for Godzilla: Unleashed, which was THE Mechagodzilla from 1974.

It keeps us wondering…What the HELL? Wow. The early draft for this movie also featured an ending where Godzilla would be defeated by Super Mechagodzilla (OMG JEESUS! We’ll get into that a little later), but Super Mechagodzilla would self-destruct, but that was saved for Godzilla vs. Destroyah. The reason why it was supposed to be here was because Roland Emmerich’s GODZILLA was supposed to be released that year, in symbolism of the Japanese Godzilla dying and an American Counterpart emerging. However the date was pushed back and they hustled for a new ending and a new movie, which we will review next in the 4.2 Monster Movie Marathon.

I do wonder if a more appropriate name would be Mecha II: Godzillla, due to the only Mecha existing in this universe is Mecha King Ghidorah. There was also going to be Rodan’s Mate from the first Rodan movie featured in this film, but that was scrapped for convenience, as in the original script (QUICK WIN MY ASS) these two characters never even make contact with Gojira. The Mecha King-Ghidorah is featured in this film, and is used to create Mechagodzilla. Now, you might be asking yourself “well, why didn’t they use this earlier than two years after?” Well, that’s not the case. Godzilla and Mothra literally picks up where Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah left off, with Godzilla waking up via Meteorite from his resting place that Mecha King-Ghidorah left him.

They couldn’t get the Mecha King-Ghidorah back because they were too busy fighting off Battra, Batman and Godzilla! This takes place a year after the events of the previous two films, which happened back-to-back. Rodan comes back for his first appearance since 1968, a whopping 25 years. Yes, in the slew of bringing back classic Godzilla monsters, after Ghidorah and Mothra, they do a double feature with Rodan AND Mechagodzilla. The new design for Rodan is extremely respectable and nostalgic, very  much like the original, however all silliness is taken away aside from him being a rrubber puppet, and replaced with a mix of Godzilla and Pteranadon attributes.

He later transforms into “Fire Rodan” which doesn’t make a whole lotta sense. He is struck by lightning and thus given radioactive powers. I would normally find this awesome but the process was really odd, but at least he turns Fire Red. The first fight takes place between Godzilla and Rodan. It is extremely reminiscent of Ghidorah The Three Headed Monster, some elements are nostalgic of Invasion of the Astro-Monster, and even has re-runs of classic Akira Ifukube scores. It focuses a little too much on pecking, and that gets a little old, and the speed jolts from epic to slow taunts rapidly, however there are many highlights. The fight is basically just a few words: re-edit=awesome.

There is one new monster (two if you count Garuda, three if you count the new Mechagodzilla) introduced in this film. Godzilla Junior (yeah, we’re really adapting human traits to monsters here folks). He is basically a new born Godzilla, and loosely a remake of Minya that while I don’t agree can at some point of view add the count of reboot monsters here to 4, and the entire Hesei series of reboots to six. While not as Badass as you might hope, he’s at least relatively reasonable. Minilla was just absolute insanity. The difference here is that Godzilla Junior is adopted, and he was effectively just a dinosaur that got caught in nuclear tests with Rodan.

A lot of people also speculate from the end of Godzilla vs. Destroyah that Godzilla Junior went on to star in the Millennium Godzilla films, as Godzilla, especially with some philosophy presented. However this could not be the case, as each Millennium film save Final Wars only associates itself with 1 or 2 instances of Godzilla attacks, none of which are this one or the two films to follow. This process, when observed by science, as Minya was observed by travelers, makes me wonder if Minya was adopted to, and Godzilla doesn’t have the opportunity to reproduce since very few of his species still exist and none that a mutated version could properly mate with.

The only possibility is that the Big G is both Female and Aesexual (or maybe Male, as Kangaroos and Sea Horses have the male giving birth). Akira Ifukube returns for this movie once again, and this would be his second to last movie making a new score, and the last one in the 4.2 Monster Movie Marathon. And…man, he’s made some awesome soundtracks before, many more iconic then this but DAMN. While the first instance of Gojira attacking the city is brief, it shows off some slam-bang holy shit things are exploding action. The real test is the monster fights, which the first of follows soon after the first city destruction scene.

Mecha II: Godzilla’s  entrance is reminiscent of the original Mechagodzilla’s entrance from 1974. However, unlike Gojira who’s nostalgia of the Showa Eiga works in his favor with enough new stuff to be appropriate, Mecha II: Godzilla’s entrance is just a tad bit embarrassing if I do say so myself. Speaking of being nostalgic, at first I was wondering myself why Gojira sometimes roars with a combination of Rodan and the first Mechagodzilla. Maybe because those are the two main monsters featured here besides the big G and new debuts? Actually, it is Gojira’s altered roar from the US Translation of Godzilla Raids Again called Gigantis The Fire Monster. 

Oddly enough this showed on the Disney Channel in the early 90’s. Yeah…wut? This was done because the 1959 translation would hold these two monsters as Dinosaurs and not radioactive reptiles. In Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, they restored Godzilla to being a dinosaur, and they have the altered roar in this film. It shows that Toho has respect for both the good and bad history, but it makes me wonder how much nostalgia they are putting in, and when it will feel forced. The “Real Test” I speak of, is one of the laziest fights to feature such an amazing piece of Godzilla music, even what is supposed to be awesome looks stupid, except for maybe Godzilla’s “Red Eye,” which foreshadows a very interesting aspect of Godzilla and Godzilla Junior.

A certain turn of events is just making me think “convenient,” and it looks a lot like the fights in Super Godzilla on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, released that very same year. The really big problem in this fight is I’m not sure who to cheer for. Do I want to see such a historic, Badass icon as Godzilla die? No, of course not! Do I want to see innocent people protecting Tokyo, and in turn the innocent people of Tokyo? No, of course not! It’s not like the really good Pro Wrestling rivalries where the audience is split, although it should be, but really all the audience is just neutral.

It does not make you interested in the fight and there isn’t any real character development inside the film, though much outside of this film. Now you really don’t care who wins because to care towards one side would be to wish death upon the other, and that doesn’t feel right. Bottom line: You don’t make the good vs. good conflict appear without any character development. Mecha II: Godzilla’s arsenal of weapons is shown, though it feels like their might be more, and should be more, but what he shows is pretty damn awesome. Since we’re slowly going into that territory, let’s critique the design of the new Mechagodzilla.

While very slick and shiny, as the original MechaG looked like it was made of tin and spare car parts, many more animal facial features, such as mouth and snout, make one word come to mind…”retarded.” I prefer the original, not because of it’s old and rusty machinery, but because it was actually trying to be scary, where here they were just desperate for a new design. My favorite is still Kiryu, AKA Mechagodzilla III, but that is going to come a little later in this series. Garuda as a battleship on it’s own also looks like a sleeker but more retarded version of an older machine, namely Super X.

The machine only has one weapon, but it’s a damn good one. On Mecha II: Godzilla’s back, however, he is just an excuse for the Mecha to have a jetpack. He turns into Super Mecha II: Godzilla, but I don’t think the addition of a jetpack is enough to warrant a favor over the 1974 classic design. The climax is a true Royal Rumble featuring Godzilla, MechaG2, Fire Rodan and Garuda, with the special guests spectator of Godzilla Junior. (Yeah, I’m cheesy.) While it is definitely a slower fight, the creativity is bursting at the seams here. It acts like a fight straight from Godzilla: Destroy the Unleashed, but for a movie fight from 1993, 8 years before the first Atari Godzilla Games, it’s extremely impressive.

The ending, while I won’t spoil it, supports my theory of Godzilla being a female of the species longing to hold mothership, but unable to find a mate due to her mutation and that Minya is also adopted. The story, while a very good concept and a wrap-around complete execution, I don’t think is explored nearly enough and needs more details in it. It is already 1:40 though, but I think maybe a spin-off TV series loosely related to this title would have done good. This is very much the same with the characters, while interesting and the main ones get an adequate amount of development, there isn’t nearly enough legitimacy in these characters and there needs to be more.

Overall, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II isn’t a great film, nor is it on par with some of the best Gojira titles. But it’s for sure a worthwhile check out if you are at all interested in the Big G. 4/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Godzilla and Mothra (and Battra)(and Batman): Battle for Earth (1992)

Now THIS is what I expected from Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah!

REVIEW OF THE ENGLISH SPEAKING VERSION

Alright, let’s get the info out of the way! So, I told you about the Toho survey back in Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah. It was clear that Mothra was going to come back, after a failure at making The Return of King Ghidorah. However, it appears as if they originally wanted to segway Mothra into the popular culture before a showdown with Godzilla with Mothra vs. Bagan. Yes, the boss at the end of Super Godzilla (SNES 1993)  was originally going to be a movie monster in Mothra vs. Bagan AND Godzilla vs. Bagan. TWO Godzilla vs. Bagans. The first Godzilla vs. Bagan was the original script for Godzilla 1985, but Bagan looked super different.

The other Godzilla vs. Bagan was an early script for Godzilla’s seway into DaiKaiju Heaven, that became Godzilla vs. Destroyah. This was also supposed to have Atragon (Gotengo), and an even earlier script was Godzilla vs. Ghost Godzilla. Now that would have been fucking amazing! Anyways, back on track, they finally settled upon the script that would become this final product. However Battra was originally a Green monster called Gigamoth, and the film was originally called Godzilla vs. Gigamoth. Its final form would resemble Mothra, except a purple plastic body and not the classic Mothra body.

The dubbing in this movie is not as painful as King Ghidorah, although with that I might have lowered my expectations. The dialogue itself is actually not half bad. The American actors are delightfully over the top! Plus, it matches the actors mouths not completely but at least tolerably. The first 25 minutes or so of the film is virtually a slightly clever Indiana Jones parody, and although it shows a sign of unoriginality, Ca$hman approves. Mothra’s backstory at first surprised me that there was this much to her ancestry, but I felt comfortable with learning about her to this degree, it made her a more full character.

Battra is debuted in this film. He is pretty Badass. His larvae form gives you the feeling of an evil Buddhist version of Mothra. (Not anything against Buddhists, in fact I love you guys.) It’s like “dude, do you even know what you’re messing with?” Battra’s Moth form is similar, however he is more T-Bone Evil Mothra. I want to praise him, but to be honest, he’s kind of silly. His design is like Toho is forcing you to feel intimidated, and doesn’t actually make you feel intimidated. His debut however is very memorable and clashes cold, Arctic water and ice that is usually associated with the color White with Battra who is clearly Black.

It doesn’t  completely reveal him but it reveals enough to get you excited. He also has the roar of Rodan, which seems uncreative. He does look like a better fighter then Mothra though, that’s for sure. Oh, did I mention Batman is in this movie? No? Good, because he isn’t. This film goes back to Godzilla vs. Hedorah’s message of environmentalism (IT’S A CURSE!!!!), however with a monster that isn’t of the creation of waste but a monster who is of Earth’s Original. It’s like the other side of the for environment argument. Not just the consequences that we will suffer but the consequences that other species will suffer.

The Twin Fairies in this film (known as the Cosmos) do not do justice to the originals, but I still like them, they aren’t annoying and they mean what they say, as opposed to the twin fairies in Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster. Battra’s actor is really bad, as he or she cannot properly act like a worm and just walks in a worm suit. In most DaiKaiju films, the actor is just walking around destroying things here and there but explosions make it a look a lot better. People usually fall for that in most DaiKaiju films, as do I, but here, Battra just looks like he’s stepping on mines. However Battra does have some awesome lazahs.

Godzilla’s entrance is not only very Badass but he is also very detailed with location and moisture on the suit. The events that follow remind me of King Kong vs. Godzilla. WAIT A SECOND! Toho Kingdom, what happened to this entry in the database? Anyways, remember back in the Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah review I stated that this was done because Godzilla vs. Biollante was a failure? Well, I can easily state that a remake of King Kong vs. Godzilla would have been more profitable. Yes, in addition to a remake of Mothra vs. Godzilla and Invasion of the Astro-Monster, in 1990 they wanted to make Godzilla vs. King Kong.

When that failed, and they went for these two movies, they then tried to make Godzilla vs. Mecha-Kong, being that that was their creation. However, of course, name and likeness kept it from coming to fruition, and it just seemed like a weird mash-up not to mention he was not a real enemy of Godzilla. But then they went on to revive yet another classic Godzilla enemy….*evil laughs.* Mothra’s entrance is also pretty damn Badass. While Akira Ifukube’s return in Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah was very good, it felt like he forced a Showa feeling, as he was told to by Toho and company. Here, I can tell he is naturally making his scores for the appropriate scene, and doing it very well.

Godzilla and Mothra’s first fight is pretty damn impressive, and mostly a hell of alotta fun. Mothra’s flying and Godzilla’s shooting lazers. When Battra joins in things get really insane, as Godzilla uses pure skill and Battra uses every aspect of his body to fight, while Mothra just gets pummeled, and it’s awesome! Well, except for Mothra getting pummeled. The underwater fight is something unprecedented in a Godzilla film and it shows off some amazing underwater choreography and cinematography. Now THIS is what I was expecting from Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah!

They return the classic Mothra song in this film and it is awesome! I love this new, respectful remix that they did! Amazing! Now moving onto a completely different aspect of Mothra, all I gotta say is MOTHRA CAN BLOW SOME SHIT UP!!!!! She just rolls around and everything explodes! And in a good way, not in the lazy way of Battra, because she actually TRIES! She actually does a lot of shit, instead of just stepping on mines! She rolls through buildings, not next to them! She lunges at buildings, not just sigh her head on them. The plot is classic Mothra at it’s prime, and executed even better then the concept shows potential for.

The scene where Godzilla comes out of Mt. Fuji is just fucking unbelievable, it is the epitome of Awesome Sauce! You used to me praising this movie by now? Yes? Well, I'm about to do two 180s on you. Mothra’s design is really, really lazy here. Her adult form. It looks like it’s made of wool. The close-ups are not cool. When Mothra and Battra fight, for two moths, is pretty impressive. I gotta say, this movie is EXTREMELY well paced. Nothing feels forced by everything moves at a very good rate. The one character I just can’t stand is the kid character, but it doesn’t take away from the film that much.

The final fight between Mothra, Battra and Godzilla is fucking phenomenal! People and things are going ALL OVER THE PLACE! The stakes really feel high, with everything going on, and the new formed friendship between Battra and Mothra is a great but extremely predictable turn of events. There’s even ROLLERCOASTSERS flying around! It’s awesome! It’s not Expendables awesome, but still awesome! In fact, that's how I would explain this movie.  A lot of fun, awesome sauce, explosions, great monster fights, a really intriguing plot but a weak guest character who is at least better then Gigamoth. This is what I expected out of Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, and for that I give it 4.7/5

Godzilla vs. King Ghidora(h) (and Mecha King-Ghidorah) (ft. Godzillasaurus) (ft. Dorats) (ft. Dr. Doom)  (1991)

Awesome sauce? Maybe...(Japanese Trailer, deal with it)

REVIEW OF THE ENGLISH SPEAKING VERSION

And now for something completely different, we venture off 20 years into the future of Godzilla’s History to celebrate the 20th Anniversary of what is often considered what one of the best Godzilla movies ever made. To get some backstory out of the way, this film was created through a survey that asked American, Japanese and Australian audiences what their favorite Godzilla monster was, other than the King of the Monsters himself. The favorite among the male demographic was King Ghidorah and the favorite amongst the female demographic was Mothra.

Out of this, Toho originally planned to do two different movies, two with King Ghidorah, and two with Mothra. We will cover the two Mothra movies later, but this movie was originally going to have a sequel. However this was scrapped as there wasn’t much original material to work with. The reason was that this story was a very complete, solid story, like Back to the Future. (Ironically both having Time Travel.) They are tied very tightly, and are basically stories that say “hey, this is the story, there is no room for something else, and this is the story.” There’s one thing I praise this movie for, as most Godzilla movies, especially ones reviewed in this marathon, leave for a lot opportunity for sequel material, but this story is very complete and proper.

Speaking of the story being proper, it is also very intriguing, interesting and scientific yet exciting and the stakes are high…again, like Back to the Future. Unfortunately this isn’t another one of those ‘a rip-off before the original’ like vs. Hedorah or vs. The Sea Monster. Back to the Future was 6 years before this movie was released, the Saga finished up 1 year prior, and the U.S. Release Dates were bumped up by 7 years each. It involves “aliens”; time travelers, betrayal; the origins of Godzilla; time travel; time paradox; UFOs in Close Encounters fashions, E.T. Fashions, War of the Worlds fashions and even The Day The Earth Stood Still fashions; the origins of King Ghidorah; World War II; The Atom Bomb; The H-Bomb; The “Rebirth” of Godzilla; Artistic - in the most literal of fashions - drama; and even the debut of a new monster, “Mecha -King Ghidorah”!

King Ghidorah was already one of my favorites, but this monster basically takes him to a whole new level. His middle head, body, life support system, tip of his two tails and wings are replaced with Machinery. He is controlled by the humans, even with his fleshy two heads intact, and has many more attack capabilities compared to the original Ghidorah including Purple and Yellow Lightning Streams and many weapons you would find in the arsenal of The Batman. He’s fucking awesome! Oh, and for those of you who are fans of Godzilla and want me to mention a specific plot hole in this whole thing, trust me, we’ll get to that when the time comes.

Another thing about the plot; I criticized Invasion of the Astro-Monster for taking place in a futuristic setting that was only 1-4 years in the future after its initial release. This movie is ridiculous, as it takes place ONE YEAR AFTER ITS RELEASE. Can anyone say Failure? Before we go away from the plot, I will say that this movie lacks a lot of detailed, exact, fact-like science that previous Godzilla movies featured, which takes some of the intrigue out of it. This movie features the long needed return of Akira Ifukube, who hadn’t done a Godzilla movie since Terror of Mechagodzilla, 16 years ago, however in our marathon hadn’t done a movie since Destroy All Monsters.

However his previous works were re-used in Godzilla vs. Biollante, which the first opportunity I get, that is getting a review. Akira Ifukube’s last movie was Godzilla vs. Destroyah, and he died 11 years later in 2006 (R.I.P.) We still have 6 movies in our marathon that continue with his work. Other movies also used his work in the future even if he was not contracted. Now...one thing is for sure - we need to do something to make Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah come out on Blu-Ray. The Japanese Version needs to see the light of day in America, because the dialogue here in the English version is FUCKING ATROCIOUS.

It is worse than any other English Dubbing in the history of Godzilla. It is stupid, uninspired, pretty much of Roland Emmerich, and aside from quality of the written word, they cannot ever match up to people’s mouths and the American actors are complete crap. I know I sound like I’m  just beating a dead horse, after all, it’s Godzilla, …but this is fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, atrocious! I almost feel like doing a commentary just mocking the American actors! The “alien” Spaceship design is pretty unique for the time, and the best way to describe it is a miniature version of the Millennium Spaceship that evolves from the normal UFO from Godzilla 2000, which later evolves into Orga.

This movie also debuts a new monster that was Godzilla before he was Godzilla, enough said. Godzillasaurus.

The name is uncreative and the design is basically a merge between Gojira (who is already a merge between a T-Rex, Steogsaurus, Dragon, Crocodile and Iguanadon), a normal T-Rex and Barney the Dinosaur. Not the best design choice but appropriate nonetheless. Oddly enough this monster appears before Godzilla ever makes his entrance, showing that they want Toho wanted a fresh start with The King of the Monsters. Why? Well, as awesome as Biollante is, Godzilla vs. Biollante failed in Japan, and thus lead to no more Godzilla movies being released Theatrically, as I explained in my Godzilla vs. Hedorah review.

They had no choice but to bring back a class monster, and one of the best nonetheless. Either that or give Godzilla the pink slip, forever. It was a success, but there was a choice not to release this theatrically in the U.S. due to controversy over Japan to American racism that was supposedly in this movie. It depicted Western Time Travelers and Villains, as well as the fictional World War II scene that depicted Americans being killed by Godzillasaurus, as in Japan Godzilla is one of the biggest icons of their cultural history. And that is in comparison to how it is in the U.S. and Canada.

So they decided not to release it in the U.S. until they got a home video contract. By then Godzilla became a subject of ridicule, wasn’t taken seriously, and they decided not to release anymore Godzilla movies in the U.S. Theaters. They definitely had the plan to release a contract for a U.S. GODZILLA movie, but of course that turned into Hollywood Bullshit. Quickly they released Godzilla 2000 insert more information from Wikipedia, Inflation Calculator, Google Translate & Monster Madness here. I’m beating a dead horse with this info. This movie features new monsters called Dorats.

These creatures are basically animatronics squirrel gremlins with dragon wings. I really don’t care for them but they plan an important role in this movie. And now for something completely different. Remember in my Godzilla vs. Hedorah review where I stated the only other movies that were more gory were Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla and Godzilla vs. Gigan? Yeah, wrong. This one has blood spurting across the place during the fictional World War II scene, as Godzillasaurus has not yet mutated into Godzilla and is not invulnerable. Speaking of which, My first impression with the special effects was that they were great for a Godzilla movie, but being these kinds of effects existed since 1977’s Star Wars and Close Encounters, and some would argue even since Star Trek, they really aren’t so great.

Most characters lack any character development at all and fall completely flat on their fucking face. But I don’t think this movie is truly about those characters. I think this movie is more about the Japanese soldiers in World War II, Godzilla, Godzillasaurus, King Ghidorah, The Dorats, Mecha King Ghidorah and most importantly a character named Shindo. While his American actor is total crap along with the other characters, you start to look past that as this character really is the center point of this movie. I won’t tell you how, even though it’s very publically available, but this character really evokes some sorrow in you.

He is really interesting as besides Dr. Serizawa in the first Godzilla movie, this is the only character that actually shares an emotional bond between himself and Godzilla. In that respect, he is even BETTER then Dr. Serizawa (only in that respect) as he has conflicting emotions towards Gojira, being that he was…damn it’s hard to review this movie without spoiling it. Well, he has a very positive past with the Godzillasaurus, however he is also very cautious of the current Godzilla that exists in this movie, and of course that creates sorrow, depression, confliction and betrayal in his character emotions.

King Ghidorah himself is improved in this movie. He is more detailed, more polished, finished, and umm… “Straight out of the oven?” He does a great job destroying the city. In this movie he uses his full arsenal of weapons, and with updated Star Wars-esc special effects it is much more destructible…wait wat? In normal person terms: pretty lights of people and houses getting destroyed Ca$hman likes….Seriously though, things are flying absolutely everywhere! This movie isn’t exactly what you expect out of a Hesei movie as it takes a step backwards, reverting to similar formulas used in Showa films. I explained this before with Godzilla vs. Biollante don’t step on my potatoes.

A lot of people sometimes bash the plot for not being consistent. As in “hey, if this happened instead of this, would we all be here?” Most people who say this reference the Chaos theory. Let me tell you something, 1.) This is GODZILLA, you’re lucky you’re getting Time Travel AT ALL. 2.) If what you’re saying would apply, then we would not have the characters that we started out with. That would be really bad for the storyline. The Android Character, M-11…ummm…why didn’t they make a movie about him? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want this movie not to exist, but this dude is straight from an Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Dude, an Android that travels through time? Give me a Schwarz to fill this role it’s time for an 80’s action movie!

Remember how Godzilla vs. Hedorah was spoonfed? And remember how most Godzilla movies aren’t? Well, this movie is spoonfed at first, and to make a really weird analogy, it keeps the spoon in your mouth and then turns and bangs it against the roof of your mouth when you least expect. The storyline twists and turns, even though spoonfed at first, to keep it fresh, as opposed to a long, drawn out, scientific storyline that many Godzilla films feature, this is more focused on fun, excitement and story rather than morals, scientific discussion and social commentary.

Godzilla’s entrance in this film is…okay. Nothing super special. Sort of ill-timed. The first King Ghidorah aerial flight is also not very good. The cinematography matches that of a 50’s Monster Movie, but this is ’91. However it is accompanied by not one of the best, in fact one of the cheesiest, but one of the coolest Akira Ifukube scores that I’ve heard in a Godzilla movie. WAIT...What did I say about the plot? Hmmm…something about this seems familiar. Hmmm…I can’t seem to put my finger on it. Hmm….people from another “world”/”time” come here…Hmmm…and they take control of King Ghidorah…hmmm…what was that movie I reviewed?

Invasion of the Astro-Monster? Yeah, and didn’t it have an American title? Godzilla vs. Monster Zero? Hmm…and who was Monster Zero…hmmm…King Ghidorah! Yeah, and umm….so I guess that makes the title of that movie Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah? GOD DAMMIT THIS IS A REMAKE! The design for Gojira in this film is fucking badass. As the Showa series progressed, he only looked more and more like The Cookie Monster. It was time for a re-design, and this character design for the Big G is awesome and this is the character that we all remember as the one and only King of the Monsters, Godzilla.

The human gun fights are uninspired and can basically be described as every other gun fights on the planet, with some fish. The first fight between Godzilla and King Ghidorah looks awesome at first, but all the awesome sauce is pretty much caused by Ghidorah beating up Godzilla or Ghidorah being beaten up by Godzilla, not Godzilla beating up Ghidorah or Godzilla being beaten up by Ghidorah. Understand? No? Good. Godzilla mainly stands around waiting to be killed but looking intimidating, and when he does fight, it is extremely lazy on the actors part. At the final part of the fight Gojira decides to not be a dumbass and try to do something.

In that choice, he blew King Ghidorah’s fucking head off and damaged other parts of his body severely. Seems like a really cheap way to get the plot and introduction going for Mecha King-Ghidorah. This movie transports Godzilla from a Protagonist straight to Antagonist. With the storyline’s subtle irony of behind the scenes decisions, this character change, and a mood that resembles Showa films, I see Toho is basically saying “Let’s give Godzilla fresh new start, and this time, let’s do it right.” Even though Biollante and 1985 are Kickass. When Godzilla destroys Supporo it shows off some awesome Godzilla Destruction Awesome Sauce, and the kind that SHOULD be featured in a Godzilla movie made in ’91.

Ummm…Mecha-King Ghidorah’s entrance. Really, that’s all I need to say. That was fucking incroyable. Now everything looks like a robot ! That was awesome ! Et il est followed up avec…a pretty damn good fight. It has it’s flaws, as I still think the choreographing for Gojira was lazy, however overall it’s a really damn good fight, very varied, very exciting, and with a formula but twist ending. Now...let's get to the part that I really, really want to talk about. One of the most famous scenes here is what Godzilla fans to be one of the most emotional and legitimately dramatic scenes of Godzilla history. Find this scene on YouTube or somewhere else I bet it’s pretty easy to find, if not just get someone to summarize it for you personally.

There is a multitude of reasons that I didn’t feel it was this way. First off - I have seen a parody of this that turned out to be pretty stupid. I can tell that wasn’t the best choice, as I kept thinking of that cartoon. But if that thing was really that sad, I don’t think that would have as easily distracted me. I think another reason is that Godzillasaurus WASN’T trying to save Mr. Shindo back in WWII. It was just that Godzillasaurus was trying to defend himself, the Japanese weren’t attacking yet the U.S. was, and by the time it was done with the U.S. it was too injured to do anything about the Japanese soldiers.

The connection is purely in Mr. Shindo’s head. Godzilla is also very different from a Godzillasaurus. A Godzillasaurus is completely disconnected from humans, and it has no wrath against them unless they attack him directly. Godzilla hates humans, at least ones that are newly mutated like this example. Therefore he has more reason to kill Mr. Shindo. Also, what was Mr. Shindo expecting? I am seriously surprised that Godzilla had second thoughts before he blew him to pieces! In fact, that cartoon I thought of actually was making a parody of that mind set.

This and some other factors made me think that this really just wasn’t that sad, however the SCORE that accompanied it really left me uneasy. In fact, overall, besides the concept, the score is probably the best part of this movie! Final thoughts, This movie is an extremely mixed bag. It has one of the most awesome concepts in a Godzilla movie, but it isn’t explored enough in its execution to the point where it feels like a re-hash of Invasion of the Astro-Monster. The characters choose to be non-existent until they want to actually be fleshed out, and that just makes me feel like the film is telling me what to feel.

The dialogue is absolutely horrid, and the Japanese version is not available in the U.S. It doesn’t match up with people’s mouths in the slightest, it is completely stupid beyond laughing, and the actors who are doing it are uninterested, boring, cheesy, uninspired, generic, stupid and of course crappy. The major monster designs are awesome, while the minor monster designs are idiotic. What is supposed to be one of the saddest scenes of Godzilla turns out to be a confusing mess. It is overhyped by all the people who love it so much. The soundtrack is beautiful as Akira Ifukube returns two years before his pretty much partner Ishiro Honda died.

The choreography is really good considering Ghidorah, but lazy considering Godzilla. The city destruction is few but awesome sauce. It sometimes gets really boring, and some scenes are just full of nitpicks. The story, aside from Godzilla himself, is really wrap around tight. With all things considered, this movie gets a 3.4/5, no Kickass Seal of Approval. It has a lot of good things in it but the bad outweigh the good, not in the sense this is a total disaster, but it is nothing compared to many other films, and it was made strictly for the sake of monetary gain so that they can make more awesome Godzilla movies.

Of course they would contradict themselves with Godzilla vs. Destroyah, but that’s for another day.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

The Blues Brothers (1980)

Yeah, I'm ripping off Paw. Sue me.

I love movies that are quotable. That's a sure sign that the writer was having a lot of fun with the dialogue. And of course, he had to, it was Dan Akyroid! This movie was written extremely well. Every piece of dialogue is either funny, poignant, exciting, quotable, memorable, engaging or a mix of any of the above. It all mixes with the story. It is also well paced. While not a thrill ride in the most literal of the sense, and probably the slowest feel-good movie you'll find, let me just give you an example. I was trying to take notes, as I typically do. But every-time I looked at my World Processor, I kept turning back to the screen because something was happening and whether it was important or not I wanted to see every little part of this movie. By the end, this is what the notes looked like:

The Blues Brothers Notes: This

Merci Beaucoup Monsieur. Of course, this movie is a music movie. Maybe not a total musical, though it does have musical numbers, but it is mostly stage performances and background songs. And DAMN, do I love this music selection! It is a mix of downtown Blues/Jazz/Dance Music that reminds you to just have fun. Oh, by the way, did I mention I was at Universal Studios Florida today? What really convinced me of this was the ending, which I won't give away, but damn it is one of the most subtly powerful endings ever. It is an extremely dark ending that would be a rough turn for this movie IF they didn't pull off what they did. Come on, you'll get it when you see this.

SO SEE IT! The characters of The Blues Brothers, the title characters, are awesome. They do and say some of the most ridiculous stuff, within the appropriation of the film. However, they act cooler then government agents when doing it. Throughout maybe a fifth of this film, that can make you think "where is the emotion in these actors?" That other 80%, you can see the emotions right through their cool, calm, collective acting, and they become some of the most emotion characters to be portrayed in such a degree of subtlety. The one thing I found lackluster is the car chase scenes...WHICH SEEMS TO BE AN UNPOPULAR OPINION!

Not that the actual scenes were bad, hell no, those were awesome as car chases. But the music that accompanied the car chase, while fitting the atmosphere of the rest of the film, does not fit for a high-speed car chase. This movie is about three things: it's dialogue, it's characters, and it's music. It is NOT about the car chases. And good too, because there is enough of big budget action films, especially from the 80's. Not hitting on them either but let's get back on topic. This movie has a type of humor that resembles Mel Brooks humor but is drained completely dry. Damn was it funny, but they didn't have proper setups.

Still, I found it really, really funny. And this is coming from the dude who has Aspergers and is a Jew. Then...maybe you shouldn't trust me? The Blues Brothers is classic though, so I would trust a positive review. The supporting cast all did their jobs really well. There were a lot of supporting characters, and I mean a lot, and while they don't get a giant amount of screen time each, all of their actors portray their roles correctly and each character is complete enough for a role of his or her degree. (The Military People in Super 8 weren't of much focus, Gaylen!)

Bottom line. Really fun, classic 80's Musical-Comedy-Drama-Action, starring Dan Akryoid. Fun as hell, great dialogue, really well crafted characters, really really fun music, a good sense of comedy, and everything just fits together. It's not one of my favorite films, and it is not the best film in history, but it is one of the most solid films I've seen. 5/5.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Godzilla vs. Hedora(h) (Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster) (1971)

It’s the 40th Birthday of Godzilla’s environmentally friendly film, that has one of the oddest cult followings over. As in even they admit it’s weird and crap, yet they enjoy it anyways…and I’m part of it.

Ain’t it funny how Godzilla movies seem to apply to today rather than the year they were made? Greed, Terrorism, Environment, and many other things of that nature apply to today rather than yesterday. So, aside from Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster, we are now venturing into the phase called ‘the 70’s.’ Ishiro Honda was not involved, and Toho had no idea who to hire. Yoshimitsu Banno, who was a respected worker at the time, was hired. Needless to say the morning after it was released the Chairman of Toho Inc. told him that he had ruined Godzilla and he was never allowed to direct another film again.

He then produced Prophecies of Nostradamus, but then left the company afterwards to FUCKING MAKE EVERY SINGLE VERSION OF THE IMAX SCREEN ON THE PLANET. He would have combined his two famous creations, in Godzilla vs. Deathla 3-D TO THE MAX (a baby of Hedorah), but unfortunately plans didn’t fall through, as announcements continued between 2004 and 2010, and we now have Godzilla Legendary Pictures to look forward to. Now, onto the actual movie. The best way to describe this movie is an acid trip. Even Godzilla vs. Gigan doesn’t compare to the acidity of this film. The Ph balance is off the charts!

The intro song, which I think translates to Save The Earth, I can’t say where I would hear this song, but definitely NOT in a Godzilla film. It is shown with a lot of shots of polluted water, but even today beaches that close to the shore are typically not that disgusting, and I think they went out of their way to blow up the minority to look like the majority. I love the message they’re sending here, to treat Mother Nature as our mother and not our Garbage Can, but I still think that blowing up the minority to look like the majority is wrong in any case. And now for something completely different. The dialogue is rushed, lazy, generic, tacked on and sometimes is just plain old fashioned annoying!

This movie transfers Godzilla from Anti-Hero to full on Protagonist. Godzila’s Revenge is technically not part of cannon as The Monster Island scenes were all a dream. But due to Godzilla’s Revenge’s PROFIT of $2,144,000 ($12,604,296.10 in modern money), I’m sure there was plenty of input to make Godzilla the protagonist. It’s clear that he is in the next film, Godzilla vs. Gigan, as his goal clearly is to keep monsters from destroying the planet but nothing about killing other humans. How do I know? We’ll leave that for the time when it comes. This film also had a success profit of $2,448,064.85 ($130,297,61.48 in modern money…I’m not sure how that works).

This, showing Toho this was the right thing to do…so why Banno was banned from making another Godzilla movie I don’t know, but, point is, Godzilla’s a Good Guy in this movie. There’s even a kid who owns a collention of Godzilla and other universe monster action figures (such as Ghidorah and Baragon), which I’m sure was normal at this point in time in Japan. This kid’s family even boasts a fish tank that can’t help but remind me of the scene in the original Gojira where Dr. Serizawa kills the fish with the Oxygen Destroyer for the ‘first time.’ Ummm…in fact…that’s kind of what happens later in the movie.

Hedorah’s creature design comes in many forms. He starts out as a tad pole that is the tad pole equivalent of Andre the Giant. He’s not a threat, but he’s cool in that design. He has a water form, while not gigantic, is as creepy as hell and if you saw that thing in the water you would be screaming louder then you would if Jaws was approaching. It’s his red eyes that do the job. His Land Form is pretty ridiculous, I would not be afraid of that thing, he is small, fat, and stupid, but I understand that there are more forms to come. His flying form is a bit odd, but he’s iconic, and he has the horrifying ability of turning people to Skeletons by just passing them, which, for a Godzilla movie, is pretty disturbing.

Of course Hedorah also has other powers, such as spurting Pollution, but we’ll get to that in a second. His final form is awesome, he’s almost like a Monster form of Emperor Palpatine as far as the chill he gives you. The whole backstory behind Hedorah is that he is basically a ton of Man’s Pollution put together to wreck revenge on man from Mother Earth. The fact that this guy is the villain is a little hypocritical of the movie’s message, but the point still is to take care of the earth. I don’t know about you, but just by looking at Hedorah, and the fact that it lays eggs, I think that monster is a female.

Between everything else, if one thing, Hedorah is the most original monster of the entire Godzilla franchise, not even Gigan is quite as ‘how the fuck did you come up with that?’ Hedorah’s ability is effective but kind of…to quote Dr. A about GameInformer “Stupid at times.” Godzilla’s entrance in this film is one of the weirdest ever, with the weirdest song ever, and will make practically anybody laugh out loud. If they had replaced the music with an actual song, and the image of Godzilla against the Rising Sun, it would be much more epic. And now for something completely different. There’s a small shot where The Thinker Statue is being corroded. Refer to my second Epic Fail picture in my Failures album on my Facebook.

There’s a scene here that really bugs me and I think everybody knows what I’m talking about. The Dance Party. It starts off weird enough, with the backdrop being giant dots and a girl who looks like she’s naked and has a bunch of Tattoos but being this is PG I assume it’s a skin-tight body suit…it really looks like she is Naked, and that almost got me in trouble back when I was a kid and first got into these films. The most annoying music is playing in the background. Then the girl who looks like she’s naked starts singing the theme song to this movie, and oddly it’s not as strange as the introduction, but by now I just had a headache.

Damn, I’m like the only guy out there who has seen this movie more than once and I’m the guy who’s Straight Edge? During this scene Hedorah gets on land, but instead of killing just jumps right at your screen as if this was in 3-D. Then there are a bunch of skeletons flashing on your screen (I wonder if one of them is The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.) Hedorah then continues to eat pollution straight from the pipe, and keep on growing. The science presented in this film, explained earlier, is that this monster grows from pollution and combining with other Hedorahs (obviously.)

In fact, the four forms it has also have halfway stages shown in this film. It makes me wonder how far it could go if Godzilla didn’t exist, and what kind of looks it would have. The only problem is that it hast to go back in the water for hydration, which can keep it from fighting hard enough and is also a total weak target for Godzilla’s fire breath. I also haft to say, that even though the Land Form is completely laughable, in the first pollution eating scene he has already started to grow to Final Form, between Kid and Adult, kind of like teenager. This form is pretty cool, but what really makes Hedorah scary here is the sound he makes, which is a combination of an over-sized Cat, a Stalker and someone who has been poisoned themselves.

All down in a deeper ‘voice,’ this creature is extremely scary compared to other monsters that are either Kickass or Laughable. Really, really makes me wish that Yoshimitsu Banno would have directed more Godzilla films, because even if he wasn’t as good as Jun Fukuda or Ishiro Honda, he’s still better then the idiots who directed Godzilla vs. Gigan and Godzilla vs. Megalon. It is one of the most surreal, atmospheric, creepy scenes I have ever seen and it puts Hedorah at a human, emotional stance that has never been experimented in the Godzilla series before.

Hedorah is kind of like Jason Voorhees. So, to re-cap, Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster is practically a rip-off of Jaws crossed over with Godzilla 9 years before Jaws, and this movie is a mirror image of Friday the 13th (a psychopath who has messed with the wrong way and is out to kill those who perform those actions) crossed over with Godzilla 9 years before Friday the 13th, and 10 years before Jason Voorhees was the killer. Banno also mirrors Jun Fukuda in the way as he treats his own, original creation like Gold and treats Godzilla like the cheesiest shit ever.

Except, for this movie, he actually TRIES to offend Honda. Maybe that’s why he was fired. Jun Fukuda was just doing that out of laziness. Banno was just saying “you old timer you have no respect for innovation, Godzilla should be laid to rest, and I’m gonna make every person in Japan and America believe me!” My case is completely valid as instead of the trademark Akira Ifukube soundtrack that usually accompanies Godzilla, we get this really weird, really stupid score. On top of that, Godzilla spends a lot of the fight posing and dancing instead of actually fighting, mocking Invasion of the Astro-Monster, as he obviously didn’t catch that as a Stark Trek-esc film.

Hedorah even shits on the collection of Godzilla monsters action figures! Yeah, that’s shitty, but it’s still better then Gigan or Megalon. Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla I think is overrated but still the 2nd best of the 70’s, as well as Terror of Mechagodzilla which features the final return of Ishiro Honda before he was unable to do Godzilla 1985 or Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II and died of lung cancer. (R.I.P.) Again, still better then Gigan or Megalon, but by now I’m beating a dead horse…literally. The first fight between Godzilla and Hedorah featured here is a mockery of Godzilla fights, as they basically just move around a little in wrestling like positions.

It’s like The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra! I’m starting to see Banno in a new light! This dude is a fucking asshole to the master of H-Bombs and Mutants! I really wish he could have calmed down the hate on Ishiro, so that he could have made a really solid Godzilla film as this movie holds the potential to. There are some points in this fight where actual stuff happens, but it’s still the 2nd laziest fight in cinema history, right before The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. At the end of the fight, Godzilla starts throwing Hedorah around like Mario does to Bowser in Super Mario 64, ironic how the inspiration for Bowser is taking the role of Mario.

But it doesn’t go anywhere as it becomes cartoony and lazily edited, and to add to that, his goal is not to throw Hedorah or impact him, but his goal is the scientific reason of tearing him apart by throwing so that he can destroy the parts easily. But how does Godzilla know how Hedorah works? To him he’s just another monster, and it doesn’t make logical sense. Then it cuts back to the scene of the party, and it still gives me a fucking headache and makes me nauseous. It isn’t better with strobe lights flashing, and the movie turns into an acid trip montage in the vein of the ‘scene’ from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, also made the SAME YEAR.

Then I just started to realize this was A Big Lipped Trumpet Playing Starving Children Moment when people started to suddenly wear fish heads. Even if the dude was accidentally taking acid and didn’t realize it when he thought he was just drinking Vodka, (I’d make a reference but I don’t think it works), it still just isn’t right! This finally gets interrupted by the master of the sludge Hedorah, but his affects here are pretty damn lazy and they actually drench a cat in oil! Wow. For a movie that’s all environmentally friendly, they were not thinking of PETA when this movie was made.

For some reason it gets repelled and they never, EVER bring that scene up again, it’s all just weird shit, but what do you expect from a film from 1971 called Godzilla vs. Hedorah? After this whole shenanigan, we can’t just segaway into the next scene, oh no, that might sound like we’re not targeting this towards kids! Instead we have a cartoon that shows us exactly how the process works in the most obvious, forced, not subtle, spoon fed, stupid, idiotic, basic way that treats the viewer as if it were a Retarded Baby! Not just retarded or a baby, a Retarded Baby!

While the plot is completely spoon fed, the science here is given detail by detail, and I love science IF it is engaging and interesting (school sux.) One of the things they bring up is that Hedorah is within a new Kingdom that is acts as an Animal, indulges as a Plant (eats CO2) and is comprised of minerals and waste material (that last part we already knew). Really fascinates me and makes me think about the possibilities of undiscovered Kingdoms here on earth as well as undiscovered Kingdoms in other places in the universe. This was brought up again in the series 18 years past in Godzilla vs. Biollante, in which Biollante is a combo of Godzilla and a Rose with a Human soul.

There is another scene that’s basically spoon feeding but it brings up the idea of Hedorah being from another Galaxy. (Far, Far Away a long time ago.) This kind of takes away from the message of the movie as the message is supposed to reflect OUR actions, not other planets’. I’m pretty sure this was cut in the American version and for that I actually give props to the localizers. The only way I see Hedorah’s Land Form as scary, and what helps Hedorah as a character throughout, is Yoshimitsu Banno borrows Jun Fukuda’s visual style, but only when it comes to the sheer size of Hedorah. He doesn’t even apply it to Godzilla, let alone the scenery.

This is the last movie in our marathon that was released Theatrically in the United States. The other four Showa films were released in the U.S. through 1978. After 10 years of absence, Godzilla became relatively obscure and as the 80’s left behind cheesy B-Movies in favor of Cheesy Gore Fests, Godzilla was not taken seriously anymore and became subject of parody. Godzilla 1985 was released theatrically in the U.S., and that film was not successful however did spark the imagination of future Gojira fans. HBO had an airing of the Americanized Godzilla vs. Biollante and later let it get released on VHS.

The next five Godzilla movies, 4 of which will be reviewed in this marathon, were only released on VHS and DVD. The VHS Tapes did not come until 1998-2000, in time for two movies not in our Marathon the American Version of GODZILLA, which as a movie itself is fun but as a remake of Godzilla is crap (another reason why it was so popular), and Godzilla 2000. 2000 was also released in the U.S. however was not successful again, and was only released in America purely just to supplement true Gojira fans for what they want. The following Godzilla movies would not be released in the U.S. Theatrically (however the FINAL movie in our marathon was released theatrically in Germany) and were all released in the U.S. in a period between 2003-2005 for the 50th Anniversary of Godzilla.

They also came with Hesei and Showa films in that time period and re-packaging of 6 movies (vs. King Ghidorah, vs. Mothra, vs. Mechagodzilla II, vs. Spacegodzilla, vs. Destroy, 2000, GODZILLA). Classic Media also had a release of several Godzilla movies along with Simitar, before they were finally released on better DVDs in 2007. Only two Godzilla movies (Gojira and GODZILLA) are on Blu-Ray except for upcoming Godzilla vs. Megalon, Destroy All Monsters and Godzilla vs. Biollante (who previously had practically no DVD releases outside of a VHS like DVD for DAM and a soundtrack for DAM).

The final battle is so fucking lazy; it is so horribly choreographed and is sloppy. However, with its cinematography, atmosphere and lack of music, it is probably the most relieving scene of the movie. It is quiet, disregard the obvious roars and noises by the two monsters, and it is so surreal, like the earlier scene where Hedorah eats a bunch of pollution. The reason why I like the quietness of this is because the rest of the movie is slam bang in your face acid trip. This is just ‘it’s all coming to a close. Godzilla and Hedorah are having their final battle.

It’s sloppy as a fight…but it’s relaxing. It’s all together now. Just all is one.’ There are some musical scores that make it kind of out of place, but it remains relaxing but ranges between degrees throughout. Excuse me, I think this movie might have literally put me on something, Marijuana or another. It’s like it had an adverse affect, instead of making you hyper and having hallucinations, it just made everything quiet, calm, cool and all wholesome. It reminds me of Cloverfield (SUPER 8 IS GONNA BE SO FUCKING AWESOME I AM A FANBOY), except the need to cool down is way different then Cloverfield, and maybe appropriate to each time period.

Excuse me, I have to go get me a 24-Pack of Mtn. Dew coupled with 5 bottles of Spike and a 12-Pack of Monster. Now, this is a spoiler, but it’s worth it. *SPOILERS.* Later in the film he grabs an Egg out of Hedorah. In fact, he grabs two. These two don’t hatch, but yet disintegrates. However another Hedorah of flying version is born out of another egg that Hedorah had in her belly, and it only makes me wonder if there were even more eggs in there. *SPOILERS OVER.* This was going to be the basis of a sequel. Before Ishiro Honda kicked the shit out of Banno, Yoshimitsu had two ideas for a sequel.

One where Godzilla faces another type of Hedorah called Hitodah, a polluted starfish, underwater. It was to be called appropriately Godzilla vs. Hitodah. The other was where another similar Hedorah was born in Africa, and Godzilla would venture there for the first and only time in what was again appropriately titled Godzilla vs. Hedorah 2. For the final act, we have one of the strangest ideas that is cool but I just can’t stomach. Look it up on YouTube or any review of the film at all, and there will be mention of it. But to state it again would make me feel like I’m beating a dead horse. (After continuously defending the Wii.)

Compared to most Godzilla films, this has it’s share of gore alright. There aren’t many others that I can think of that even have gore, maybe except the first movie. And now for something COMPLETELY different. The second animation of this film, while still as pathetic as far as quality, has it’s share of art and social commentary, as well as an appropriate but odd segway into the next scene, although I totally understand it, it still comes off as weird. There is one scene that pretty much sums up the technical quality of this film. Poorly edited, poorly choreographed, poorly shot, poor and/or weird scenery and a lazily put together film aside from the monster of Hedorah and his voice, not even the sludge that he pours out is anything above par.

The rollercoaster scene. This film also boasts acidic scenes, songs and sets that give you a headache, some rare but horrible stop-motion animation, completely forgettable dialogue and often insulting to The King of the Monsters and his creator. The only thing this movie boasts is an awesome monster Hedorah, who’s science, appearance, voice, powers, intentions, and other characteristics are awesome, and I guess this movie also has a good message. The ending scene just made it feel like someone grabbed on at the last second, and this movie just full of "and now for something completely different" as you might have guessed by my allusions to it. 3.1/5

Destroy All Monsters (1968)

The biggest crossover and final part of the Showa timeline.

The set-up here is that the year is 1999, and all of Earth’s Monsters have been gathered on Monster Island, or, in this film, Monster Land. While this idea itself isn’t too good and doesn’t affect the story much, as this operation could have been done without Monster Island, it did open new possibilities of Fan Fiction, Video Games and more material to work around Monster Island and how it interacts with Infant Island, Man Made Cities and other locations across the Godzilla universe. They try to integrate Futuristic feeling through scenes in Space, after an introduction about space travel.

Well, this and the control panel, as well as Aliens, make the movie feel futuristic, but the overall feeling of the movie and not to mention it takes place in 1999, made in 1968, keeps it from feeling truly futuristic and it takes a lot of suspension of disbelief today and probably before to make it feel as if it was truly 1999, or anytime in the future beyond 1968. The storyline does occasionally twist and turn, with new revelations of allies and enemies, between humans and monsters, and other mysterious events. Even in the English Version the movie has it’s trademark soundtrack style of Akira Ifukube, but who am I to judge that, after all, every Godzilla movie of the 50’s-70’s had this type of soundtrack.

It should be there. It’s wonderful and a blessing, but it should be there, and when it’s not there it’s a disappointment rather than being there a surprise. However, in this film, it is one of the best examples of how fucking awesome Ifukube’s score is. It plays almost entirely throughout the destruction and monster scenes, and never gets old, always getting you pumped! Seeing as this is the first film we see several different monsters within the 4.1 Monster Movie Marathon, even though they have been there before, let’s do some critiquing on monster designs.

Angirus, who previously appeared in Godzilla Raids Again, and is known as “Godzilla’s Pal,” (although they weren’t really pals until the end of Godzilla vs. Gigan, in which a year later he was killed by a mix of poison and falling down a hole, and then again was a foe in Godzilla: Final Wars). The monster has Armadillo features of a half-shell (Monster in a half-shell, Monster Power!) and the ability to roll around and fly while rolling around in Godzilla: Final Wars. This was inspired by Godzilla: Save the Earth. He also features a Rhinoceros like horn on his snout.

In addition, he has Styraceosaurus like Horns on the tip of his head, and has Spikes that would normally appear on a Spiked-Dinosaur of any sort on his shell and tail. He also walks on all fours. He is Gray and Red, and his roar is ear-piercing but Badass. This design is one of my favorite designs for creativity. While not as menacing as Rodan, it sure is a lot more original. In the Video Games, he also uses his breath or “Sonic Booms” as a weapon, but unfortunately this falls flat in terms of actually trying to kill something or someone. He also can survive pretty much anything, which includes getting his Jaws snapped in half several times, being throw off 50 feet off a cliff and many more.

It is theorized that the reason Angirus died in the beginning of Godzilla vs. Megalon was not poison or impact, but the fact that he starved down in that hole that he accidentally fell in. Gorosaurus (who is mixed with Baragon in the trailer) is also featured in this film. He was used for the T-Rex in King Kong Escapes, which came a year prior. He isn’t that important and it is sad that they sacrificed him in a Godzilla movie over much more important characters to the line-up as Kamacuras, Ebirah or King Kong. However it is good they used him as opposed to maybe Gorath, Moguera or Matango, as Gorosaurus has actually fought a monster that appeared in a Godzilla film prior to this release.

His design is kind of goofy. While I like the shade of Green that is his skin color, his oversized square head and an obvious T-Rex like Body make him anything but taken seriously. He does walk very Badass like. Kumonga is also featured in this film. He or she is a Giant Spider, specifically a Giant Tarantula. It has web techniques as does Mothra, and that’s about it. I’ve never found it hilarious nor Badass, and I don’t think it was an important inclusion as Kamacuras, King Kong or Ebirah. This monster was first featured in Son of Godzilla. At points, I felt the movie had a very epic feel, but it didn’t completely follow through, and I can see why they wanted to remake it with another movie in this marathon.

Manda (who is labeled "M" in the trailer) is featured in this film. He is basically an Aquatic version of a Japanese/Chinese Stereotypical Dragon. He doesn’t breathe fire, and was featured in Atragon. He doesn’t fight well at all, but he has a pretty awesome design, and a pretty Kickass original name. Minilla, or Minya, (who makes a brief appearance in beginning of the trailer) is Godzilla’s Son, given birth in asexual terms, leading some fandom, fan fiction and general fans to believe Godzilla is actually female, or that there is a mate of some sort. His design is the most laughable of all Godzilla designs, even compared to some Godzilla designs, Godzilla Jr. and other monsters.

He can breathe smoke rings and sometimes a burst of Fire when his Dad stomps on his tale. Great parenting lessons Toho. The only role he plays in this is to teach us that it is wrong to judge our kids, which is a very good lesson to learn, but could they have done it in a way that didn’t make us question the sanity of the Godzilla franchise? Two monsters make very slight appearances in this film. Baragon is a Reptilian Mammal Monster that breathes REAL ACTUAL FIRE out of his mouth. He debuted fighting a giant version of Frankenstein and losing. That’s not the best place to start.

He also has a Rhino horn on his nose, giant flapping ears from Elephants, big stupid eyes and it just gets embarrassing. He seems like a good fighter type character but nothing that makes me think ‘creativity’ or ‘Badassery.’ Unfortunately, he is not a good fighter in the Atari Video Games. Varan makes a very small appearance at the end. He is a bipedal, flying reptilian squirrel, and he looks Kickass. He is also a fun character in the video games, though isn’t really a winner in the games. Overall, if Kumonga is getting a major role here, he deserves a major role. In the role of appearance, he is the Robin to Godzilla’s Batman, however in terms of story that role is taken by Angirus.

Also, in addition to this, the early script for Destroy All Monsters featured Ebirah and Maguma (a giant Walrus from Gorath). This script also didn't have Angirus, Minilla or Gorosaurus. It is also stated that Baragon and Maguma would have been on Ghidorah's side, but the role of Ebirah is unknown. Angirus and Minilla were cited as replacements for Maguma and Ebirah, but not taking the same role, and Gorosaurus was also added as the Baragon suit was not in good condition for most of the film.

Monster Island is a very detailed area. The movie covers many landmarks and geographical traits of the Island, and it also has many technological details, including how they keep the monster on the island, and how they keep them alive. These details interest me though I don’t expect these very fine and insignificant details to please the average person, though it does make Monster Island feel more real, legitimate, and alive. I do find it sad though that Mothra is forced to stay on this Island and not her homeland of Infant Island. They also create details about the monster’s instincts, such as the first and only sight of a Toho Monster other than Zilla eating. Rodan eats Dolphins in this movie, which has for some reason become a fascination between Godzilla fans.

The plot thickens way too fast. In most monster movies of the time, they took their time getting into the main storyline. While they might have taken too much time, here, it goes way too fast and the only reason we know about Monster Island so well is because the narrator spoon fed it to us way too fucking fast. Well, even if they do rush into it way too fast, I will say that the destruction featured in this film is spot on awesome! I mean, look at this, they’re destroying absolutely everything! It’s awesome! Godzilla and Manda do these best in their respective scenes together.

And of course, Godzilla is indestructible. They throw absolutely everything at him, but they can’t stop him! Then Rodan appears and things really get awesome! This film originally had a scene of Godzilla vs. Manda. While this would have been cool, it would not have made sense to the plot, but I wish we could see a reconstruction or the original scene of Godzilla vs. Manda. The acting here is of lower caliber then the average Gamera film. In a Gamera film, the corniness was funny, but at the edge of between funny and annoying. This movie passes that edge. And we’re not just talking about bad dubbing either.

The aliens featured in this film are pretty…umm…yeah, pretty. They seem like younger, more attractive versions of the aliens featured in Gamera vs. Guiron. (AKA Attack of the Monsters, which was released the same year as All Monsters Attack AKA Godzilla’s Revenge, just a year later after Destroy All Monsters.) However, these aliens’ voices sound like….a…..a….a Senior Citizen from James Bond??? Either way, the voices suck. The logic of the aliens’ origins here is that there are many small planets in between Mars and Jupitar, and she comes from one of them. Okay, first, there would be no possibility of sustaining life in a place that is between Mars and Jupitar.

Maybe Mars and Earth, but no. Second, what they are referring to is an Asteroid Belt. These places are just solid rock that would be impossible to live on for so many fucking reasons, and they are not planets. So, no, the logic here is false. At points in this film I figured “Damn, Destroy All Monsters would be great as a video game!!!!...Oh wait…it is.” Not even joking, look! The plots, game play elements, destruction and size of roster in the Gamecube Game Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters: Melee are extremely similar to this film, and I assume this was an inspiration.

Sometimes you can see hints at a Fukuda-type visual style seen in Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster. Now that Honda is back on the job, he doesn’t focus on the visual style but rather destruction, monster fights, plot, a message and the other things that were lacking in Sea Monster that weren’t in previous Godzilla movies. If this were back in time, I would have liked to see Fukuda and Honda do a movie as co-directors. At points, I felt the movie had a very epic feel, but it didn’t completely follow through, and I can see why they wanted to remake it with another movie in this marathon.

The final battle starts off with a rally of all the monsters, one by one, making their entrances as if they were entering a Pro-Wrestling match. If that wasn’t enough, there is actually a commentator working for the news that we listen to as they enter! First comes Minilla, followed by his father, Godzilla. Mothra comes in after that, in Larvae form. Angirus comes next with his trademark roar! Manda, Baragon, Gorosaurus, Kumonga (who’s American name is Spiga), even Varan, The Unbelievable comes for the final battle! Rodan makes his entrance in the sky!

If that isn’t enough, after the entrances, the commentator continues to talk over it, not for long, but I’m just so pumped for the final Royal Rumble of Showa Timeline History! It’s all going out with a bang here folks - who will live? Who will die? This was meant as the final Godzilla movie to ever be produced, and it is the last piece of the Showa timeline! Are you ready for the final battle?!?!? The news broadcaster even says “Godzilla will lead these monsters into MORTAL KOMBAT!” I’m finding a lot of early stuff, Mortal Kombat long before Mortal Kombat, Summer Blockbusters before Summer Blockbusters!

But then…oh then, King Ghidorah, the greatest Godzilla enemy of them all, makes his final appearance before his imminent…ummm…not spoiling anything! The fight is fucking awesome! Everybody is doing everything and people are going crazy! Angirus survives one of the craziest falls I’ve seen in Monster Movies, he also survives having his neck broken, Kumonga and Mothra use webs, Rodan starts a Tornado, Godzilla is wrestling Ghidorah from the back! Gorosaurus and Godzilla are teaming up! Monsters are flying! They’re falling! They’re shooting like cannon balls!

Kangaroo Kicks! Oh My God! It’s amazing! I can tell Honda was having loads of fun with this one. A surprise monster comes in after the fight, and it is awesome, but we never get to see it again, and understandably, as this monster is over-powered and makes its debut at the end of the Showa timeline. Overall, this movie is interesting and detailed, very Nerdy, and featured a lot of monster from the franchise. The destruction and fights are awesome, but it does not reach its full potential with several things included including the setting 31 years later. I’d give this movie a 4/5.

Announcement: This movie will be released on Blu-Ray by Media Blasters Inc. The DVD Available right now has no special features, pretty crap quality video and audio, no Japanese soundtrack, no scene selections, not even a menu screen!

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

War of the Gargantuas (Frankenstein's Sons) (Gaira vs. Sanda (vs. Giant Octopus) (vs. Galvanizer)) (1966)

Most likely one of the WORST Toho Monster Movie of all time. But that's not saying it's bad!

The 45th Birthday of...ummm....

A little explanations for all you folk watching the same version I am. The two creatures featured in this film are Gaira and Sanda, a brother and sister (well, they’re both dudes but I like to think of them as Brother and Sister), who are spawned from The Frankenstein Monster. In Frankenstein Conquers the World, the movie this is a sequel to (that’s why this is a .1 and not a 1…damn it.) Okay, do I really haft to explain to you guys my logic about the 4.2 Monster Movie Marathon? Yes? Okay. The “4” represents series of movies that are from new monsters debut in a movie. Hedorah, Ebirah, Mothra and Rodan all debut in movies that have an anniversary this year.

Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah and War of the Gargantuas represent the “.2”. Though Mecha-Ghidorah, Godzillasaurus and The Dorats all debut in Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah, the monsters never go on to any future films, thus making them one shot, and .1s rather than 1s. The 1s represents series and the .1s represents films. War of the Gargantuas is also like that. There is one monster however, in here, that makes an appearance that has appeared in other films. The Giant Octopus is a monster who originally debuted in King Kong vs. Godzilla. He fought King Kong for a little bit before being easily defeated.

There was a scrapped scene in Frankenstein Conquers the World,  however, that featured The Giant Octopus killing Frankenstein’s Monster. Wait, that’s what we were talking about in the first place. War of the Gargantuas features two monsters that were spawned from The Frankenstein Monster. This was done in a number of rumors. However the American version scrapped all mention of Frankenstein. So, not only will you not be able to hear about Frankenstein, but the Germans re-instated Frankenstein - after all he is their monster - and then in all Godzilla films between 1967-1975, explained that every monster that Godzilla or other monsters (King Kong and Gezora are examples) is a creation of Dr. Frankenstein.

This film was actually supposed to have a sequel in 1978, Godzilla vs. The Gargantuas. This was one of many attempts to keep Godzilla on life support after 1975, which also included the attempts of The Rebirth of Godzilla: King of the Monsters - a pseudo remake of the first film - , Godzilla vs. The Devil (which would have been fucking awesome), in which he would fight not only Satan, but a Giant Spider, Fish and Bird; and Star Godzilla, which featured Godzilla, Angirus and King Kong. There was also The Return of Godzilla, in which he would fight Bagan, a very different version as well, but this was considered Hesei material. 

Now, back onto The Giant Octopus, it makes more sense if the cut scene would be kept in in Frankenstein Conquers the World. In fact, this scenes was shot and finished, edited and all that. But it was scrapped. It is a bonus feature on most DVD releases, even bootlegs. Oddly enough the last time I checked it was not on YouTube. Why would this make more sense? Well because The Giant Octopus actually appears at the beginning. Him trying to take out a ship and eventually fighting Gaira is very slouchy, but he is just an Octopus and those creatures are very slow yet thorough predators.

His design is basic Octopus, but it is memorable. Also, the creature has a weird sound effect, which really makes him odd yet awesome. Oh yeah, I should talk about the Gargantuas, shouldn’t I? Well, their faces kind of make them look retarded, which is not appropriate for a Giant Monster. Then again….this was the same year when Godzilla REALLY looked like The Cookie Monster. Speaking of which, I guess this is the reason why Ishiro Honda was not doing Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster. Even if it WAS originally done for King Kong, it would still be more important than this goin’ nowhere film.

Why could he have done that? Okay, back to business. Their hair looks like it’s straight from a doormat, it couldn’t look any more sheepish in many ways. They have really big teeth like hillbillies, and they look as thick as trees. The design here could not be any more lazy, but let’s not blame Ishiro Honda. Eiji Tisyubura, who I have no idea if I can spell his name, is the dude who made most Showa Monster Costumes and Explosions. I can’t say whether I like him or not. But I’ll tell you that is who is responsible. The difference between Sanda and Gaira is color, Brown and Green.

While Sanda matches her name better, is more realistic, and is less over the top, Gaira IS over the top. For that I prefer Gaira as far as appearance goes. In addition, Gaira has tusks and elf-like ears, but these are only seen at close-ups. And I mean CLOSE-UPS. The dubbing is pretty shitty. While it matches up to the actors mouths quite nicely, and the dialogue is up to standards, the actors aren’t even trying to sound Foreign, and you can see whether or not you recognize that, that they are extremely uninterested and giving a LOUSY performance! They’re not even good for High School standards!

The plot is spoonfed to death. The origin of the first Gargantua, the first monster fight, all the characters, and a hint at a second monster are all full introduced at 18 minutes of the film. The concept itself is interesting, but only in the “Cult Classic Sci-Fi Horror Frankenstein Film” sense. The city destruction is EXTREMELY rare, when it is there it isn’t much.

The monsters fight like UFC fighters, and sometimes hint at a theatrical performance (it’s a movie, duh!) but never do anything warrant of excitement. The ending is completely off the wall. It is unexpected, over the top, and you barely can even tell it happened. It’s just really odd, but hell, I’ll take it! This movie is just overall really weak. The monster design is worse than basic, the dubbing is shit, the plot is completely spoonfed, and there is just not enough monster fighting going on to warrant any redemption. The only cool thing is the concept, however it is just a cult classic concept, not anything warrant of excitement. 3/5.

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (Godzilla (and Mothra) vs. The Sea Monster (and Giant Condor) (and Gizmo Duck)) (1966)

REVIEW OF THE JAPANESE VERSION (SONY EDITION - THE ENGLISH VISUAL CUT WITH JAPANESE AUDIO OVERLAPPED --- SO IT’S A DUBBING OF A DUBBING THAT DUBS THE ORIGINAL AUDIO ONTO THE DUB? WHY IS THIS IN ALL CAPTIALS? I’M NOT SCREAMING.)

45th Birthday of a giant shrimp, a giant bird, a weird looking version of Mothra, a goofy Godzilla (as he always looks), and a game of boulder Volleyball. EPIC WIN!

So this film centers around a terrorist prison camp that uses Ebirah - a Giant Lobster although the word “Ebirah” in Japanese literally means Shrimp - to keep escapers from going to home even by swim. This film was made during the nuclear scare, not today’s terrorist scare. It almost makes me wonder what this would be like if this movie was made today…*daydreams.* Godzilla VS. Al-Qaeda! See the neweset blockbuster masterpiece as Godzilla, the greatest monster on earth takes on the evil Islamic Radicalism group Al-Qaeda. See the spectacle, the majesty, destruction, terror, HORRORS AS NEVER SEEN BEFORE!

Watch as Godzilla faces off against Al-Qaeda’s secret weapon: Ebirah! A giant crab meant to keep all U.S. Soldiers from escaping their evil grasp. Watch in the majesty as the climax unfolds revealing a final conflict between the King of the Monsters: Godzilla and the King of the Terrorists: Osama Bin Laden. Coming August 26th, 2012!!!!! *Daydream ends.* Yeah, that’s what it would look like. It would probably be very offensive. Oh God, let’s hope that’s not how it looks for the new upcoming Godzilla movie being produced by Legendary Pictures.

You know, the first few scenes reminded me that we are in the 60’s. It’s time for some Acid Trips everybody! People who can see into the land of the death while having a seizure and 300 Teenage dancers going for close to four days! Now that’s what I call a dance party! This really is a very good Summer film. If you’re looking for something to give you the Summer mood, with warm weather, surf, sun, swim, the fix, you’ve got it right here! Really, this film is like the bad Jaws Rip-off sequel that crossed over with Godzilla 9 years after Jaws. But this was 9 years before Jaws! In fact, it was originally going to have King Kong and not Godzilla.

The dialogue and storyline is generic as hell, and while this shows a lack of innovative scriptwriting, the clichés weren’t as cliché back 45 years ago as they are now. Sometimes they can be funny just out of laughing at how generic they are. In fact, this movie really is just a movie you laugh at a lot. The acting here is wonderfully over the top. In most Godzilla films, there are usually under-interested actors and over-interested actors. I can see Fukuda just telling the actors to have fun, it’s a Summer movie about monsters! So they just all over-acted so much and it is funny as hell.

This film is directed by not Ishiro Honda but Jun Fukuda. Many cheesy, stupid things are here that Ishiro wouldn’t like, probably due to inexperience and less talent compared to Honda, but there are also a lot of things fitting for this film that I don’t think Honda would be on board with. If there is one good thing about Fukuda’s directorial style, it is his visual style. Though Invasion of the Astro-Monster did alien scenery, and Mothra did tropical scenery, Fukuda fleshes out jungles and oceans in a way that Honda never really achieved. For instance, while Mothra has a lot of colorful plants, they have no vibrant colors, there is very little moisture in the environments, and it is also a strict border of “Stones and Dust vs. Plants.”

Never any variation, while there are stones and dust mixed in with the plants here. While Invasion of the Astro Monster has a lot of Alien Technology, the barren wasteland that is Planet X suits the plot but not the best idea for a visual style of an alien planet, and the plot could have easily been changed for a proper Metropolish-esq visual style. Here, the visual style suits the plot and is beautiful in the ways that we would expect a tropical island to be. There are also areas of pure dust and desert, yes, but these are the bases of the terrorists organizations, and it works due to reason that they would have destroyed the trees for their camp.

Also, they use sand and not rocks, which is a visual improvement though not entirely coherent to the plot. They actually show Infant Island in this film. While I don’t think it looks nearly as good as Honda’s version, it is better to suit a Summer feeling. Hmm, making something that is your own awesome and making something that’s not yours worse…Damn, that’s Circle-Jerking if I ever heard of it! Also, while Honda’s scenery style didn’t look as pretty, it at least looked realistic. Fukuda’s visual style just doesn’t come off as realistic. It’s like a real-life version of those Billboards that says “Come visit Costa Rica” with a beach and a hot babe in a Bikini.

Ebirah’s entrance scene is actually pretty damn awesome. While the music is shit for a monster entrance, we only see Ebirah’s claw destroy the boat. It is shot in such a way that you really feel as if Ebirah’s claw is that gigantic. When most monsters are shown, you can easily tell that it’s a guy in a rubber suit on a miniature set. Here, I’m having trouble figuring out what they did, though I know it’s not a real crab claw. Fantastic special effects shown right there, and to keep the face out of the shot makes it even scarier. This is done again later, and while the second time it is in the daytime not allowing for as much creepy atmosphere, it still looks much more real than most monsters in the franchise even to this day and just creates more suspense and intimidation that way.

You see, that’s true fear. Blood and screaming is not, but intimidation and suspense truly is. Fukuda also does this with Godzilla, but not in the same way. Point in case, Godzilla seems bigger in this movie then most other ones. Unfortunately when they finally and fully reveal Ebirah…he is just…stupid. He looks like a mix of a bug, a crustacean, a vampire and a retard. That’s not scary! It’s not even good! Mothra’s design is not scary, but at least it’s fucking awesome. Here, I can’t help but laugh at him, just like Minya. Still, Fukuda does a better job of making the monster look large then Honda had ever done up to this point.

Godzilla’s look is also absolutely ridiculous, and even though throughout the 60’s he always looked like The Cookie Monster, here, they weren’t even trying. Well, except to make him look reptilian, that they did better than most Godzilla films, but as much of a Reptile he is, he still looks ridiculous. As awesome as better visual style and scares is, when a movie has legit monster action, legit monster destruction, a good and creative plot, as well as an overall meaning and message; that wins over visual style and scares. Those four things are truly missing here in this film.

They attempt to make Mothra more human in this film. While it is successful during scenes of conversation between human and human, when the monster shows up she lacks the human feeling she had even when actually shown on screen in Honda’s films. The WORST crime to Mothra was done in this film that I have ever seen. Her twin fairies, who are apparently called Shobijin, do not have the singing voice they once possesed. They sound like Asian Adult versions of Rebecca Black!!! FUCK. NO. You do NOT mess with Ca$hman’s Shobijin! ‘Cuz Ca$hman gonna go crazy on yo Ass like a roller coster fucking a rhinoceros!

Yeah, dat right. To make things worse, the songs that both the natives and fairies sing are both not fitting to the mood of Infant Island, I don’t care what format, and are just crap compared to the original selection of musical pieces of the first 3 Mothra films. Yes, even Ghidorah. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. The whole reason the terrorists are enslaving the natives of Infant Island is so they can create a yellow liquid to keep Ebirah at bay. However, the whole reason why they don’t kill Ebirah is to keep the slaves from escaping. Either really horrid logic or just a gigantic mess of racism. Either way, it doesn’t make that much sense.

Godzilla is woken up by lightning. He is affected by it but not killed. In fact, he is charged, not hurt. This normally translates into the film, but if you’re an avid fan of the original yet have no knowledge of King Kong vs. Godzilla or Mothra vs. Godzilla, and for the excuse of typing more, like Linkara likes to say: TIME 4 BACKSTORY!!!! The original Gojira film featured an attempt to kill Gojira with electric voltage. That was failed as Gojira just ate that shit up. Godzilla Raids Again, the sequel, featured a new member of the Gojirasaurus/Godzillasaurus species, that had also been mutated to length of Godzilla.

This monster would be frozen and not choked to death, and thus was able to reprise his role in King Kong vs. Godzilla, where he was then killed. In King Kong vs. Godzilla, King Kong eats electricity up yet Godzilla doesn’t, while it would seem to be the different side. Before the 1964 attempt at Frankenstein vs. Godzilla, there was a script in 1960 called Frankenstein vs. King Kong. This was handed to Toho in 1961 and they replaced Frankenstein with Godzilla. However Godzilla took on King Kong’s role and King Kong took on Frankenstein’s role. King Kong is strengthened by lightning while Godzilla is negatively affected by it, after all, King Kong is more of a hero then Godzilla, and the hero was supposed to win!

The reason King Kong took the opposite role then he should was also affected by the Frankenstein Monster being more of a hero then King Kong. In the fictional world, however, this member of the Gojirasaurus/Godzillasaurus family is not immune to lightning. He would later continue this trait in Mothra vs. Godzilla and the rest of the series up until this point where he is energized by lightning but not negatively affected. This is because Godzilla’s role was original written by King Kong, in fact you can see how Godzilla makes motions and makes sounds like King Kong.

He also has a scene where he interacts with the female lead of the film, again hinting at King Kong. He even sleeps like an ape! So it all went around in a big circle! Well, incomplete but still a circle. So, there you go. Sorry if what I just said made no sense but, what are you gonna do?...Kill Me? You’re gonna WHAT? Why? Why!!!! No!!! *Dr. A*:”Okay, that was not funny.” So Gojira’s debut. He is a…a. Well, let’s just put it this way. If it weren’t for the awful cinematography, Godzilla’s suit looking completely ridiculous, (and more than usual, but it doesn’t bug me later), the weird music in the background replacing Akira’s signature score, and the actor acting really lazy about the job, it would be Badass. But due to these faults, it just becomes embarrassing.

The fight between Godzilla vs. Ebirah is…a volleyball match…in the most literal sense. You know, I’m starting to wonder if this is a Parody. He definitely makes motions like King Kong during this match, and he is hesitant to swim, even though Gojira is an expert of swimming. But I almost wonder if this was a parody of monster movies. I can make some lyrics right here: “Aw, man, I gotta get outta my house, it just blew up.” “Hey, Gojira! Who’s a little pussy for going out of his house?” “You challenging me to a match, Shrimp?” “Oh yeah I am, dumbass dinosaur!”

“Alright then….ULTIMATE VOLLYEBALL MATCH OF THE DEATH!!!! AAAAGH!!!!” (Yeah, not TO the Death, OF the Death.) If only this was an anime I would be laughing my ass off, but then it wouldn’t be subtle, would it? Yeah…I think sometimes a lack of subtlety can be a good thing. In this case, if they were trying to do a parody, it should have been animated. If they weren’t, then it REALLY fails as one of the most stupid and ridiculous monster fights in the history of Gojira. I give it one thing though - it properly showed what an Atomic Fire breath would do. Most Godzilla films show the atomic breath in the way it is presented in a fighting game.

Here, Ebirah actually gets legitimately burnt! They then continue to have a slight brawl in this battle that is worse performed then the worst of WWE. They then go underwater, and this is when I realized “Damn, this whole movie is a fucking awesome idea for a Godzilla flick. They just hired the wrong dude! Now it’s just a REALLY stupid Summer ‘Blockbuster,’ 9 years before the term was coined.” The second fight between Ebirah and Godzilla amplified this more. There is awesome underwater special effects and attempts at Pro-Wrestling type moves, as well as more fire action.

However, it just lacks interest as by now you’ve figured “okay, ya know what, Ebirah is just a lobster. It seemed cool at first, but why won’t Godzilla just burn his ass to a crisp?” Not only that, but the good stuff comes in sparkles and never shows off anything good for more than a few seconds. Godzilla even mocks Ebirah with his own claws, but before that goes anywhere Mothra appears. She doesn’t interrupt anything, but that plot point I guess keeps the fight from happening! I thought Godzilla and Mothra were allies, but instead they have a “roar off.”

Of course this makes sense as this part was originally written for King Kong. He then attacks Mothra, and I’m just left confused as he does this with a burst of fire which Kong doesn’t have, so they obviously had the intent of keeping this part for any monster, even though Mothra was supposed to be an ally to Gojira since Ghidorah. This is also the movie where they coined this moment, as it would happen many times in the future of the series. In fact, let’s think about this: Godzilla, King Kong and Mothra. They released the movie as Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster in America.

I bet this was the movie that made Toho decided to start doing the titles in the cheesy, Vs. Of Against fashion that is a staple of Godzilla films in the public conscience. Whatever, I was ready for Mothra vs. Godzilla again, but then they barely deliver at all. I’m just like “…well if you’re gonna do continuity errors DO ‘EM RIGHT!” After this, something else happens which I say would be a spoiler, but it just confuses me. Basically, they treat Godzilla as a hero in this scene, even though he only became a protagonist in Son of Godzilla. He was an Anti-Hero between Late 1964 and Early 1967.

I have already stated what an Anti-Hero is, so you should understand my confusion here. Why be sympathetic towards someone who caused probably as many deaths as Hitler if not more and probably will continue? It only shows that it was supposed to be King Kong, who is viewed as a sympathetic monster in the source material. But, get this, the funniest part ever - he escapes by diving into the Ocean by doing a Cannonball! I don’t care if it was King Kong, Godzilla, Frankenstein or Jesse James, that was hilarious! The characters in this film are, again, very generic and unoriginal. However, they aren’t annoying, and they keep the film afloat. So I’d say they’re okay characters that don’t add nor take away anything from the film.

The Giant Condor is a monster used to patrol the parts of the islands where slaves are not supposed to be.

While a little cartoonish, he does provide a sense of “If I was really there I would be scared to death.” The fight is only as good as the teasing parts of Rodan vs. Godzilla in Ghidorah, however the shit cinematography keeps it from truly being anything worth a Toho Monster Fight and is more of a hassle. That said, the scenes where we get a clear shot are pretty entertaining. That’s another thing about this movie - the shitty cinematography. While the visual style is good, how the camera records it is utter bullshit. It’s not meaningful, and in addition, it is shaky beyond belief at points. Even during the scenes where the monsters feel extra large - most of the time - it isn’t the camera angles that do it but the effects used.

This is one of the earliest films, maybe even THE earliest film, that I would call a “fun Summer flick.” And in 109.34% Assurance. However, the characters are only there to move the plot forward, the monster designs look like crap, and they did some horrible things to the culture of Infant Island. Couple with the fact that this movie has some great visual style and a Jazzy soundtrack. Overall, it’s a fun movie for a Summer Blockbuster (9 years before Jaws) but not as an actual Godzilla film. So, I’m giving this a 3.68/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Invasion of the Astro-Monster (Godzilla (and Rodan) (and Rockslide) vs. Monster Zero) (1965)

Star Trek AND Godzilla before there was even Star Trek!

REVIEW OF THE JAPANESE SPEAKING VERSION.

This is the last film in the 4.1 Monster Movie Marathon directed by Ishiro Honda, and correct me if I’m wrong, the last one with a new Ifukube soundtrack. I’m gonna enjoy every last minute of it. Especially the conept. Godzilla, Rodan and Ghidorah, fighting in space and on earth, with Aliens who perform numerous Conspiracies, and even more Nerdy Technology details; which include numbering systems on Planet X as opposed to the Earth with naming systems; all with Nick Adams! Except Nick Adams speaks natural English and is not dubbed in the English version…they dub him in the Japanese version, yet nobody else…I CAN’T GET AWAY FROM DUBBING! Oh, and umm…I apologize to every Netflix fan who I’ve ranted too, for through this experience I have learned the luxuries of Netflix and it’s appeal.

I like how this movie takes place in 196X. It is to say they don’t know the last digit, but why not 1965? That’s when the movie is made, and according to this date it can only be up to 4 years in the future, it doesn’t make any logical sense. Whatever, minor quibble, nothing major. You know, I gotta say, it’s been a while, and maybe I have the Nostalgia Filter on, but for some odd reason I like the dialogue better in the American version rather than here. This might also be because the lines of dialogue are extremely similar here then in the American version, just in Japanese and not my native language of Anglais. Je aussi notice that the difference in time is very close compared to other Godzilla films. A difference of two minutes here where most have a difference of 8-16 minutes.

To compare the acting in each version of the film: you will remember the acting in the English version better but it’s better in the Japanese version as they actually sound serious and not so cheesy. The name of the movie in the U.S. is Godzilla vs. Monster Zero. While this name is not as solid as Invasion of the Astro-Monster, it is actually more appropriate as Ghidorah IS Monster Zero, and even though also An Astro-Monster, he is definitely not THE Astro-Monster. One of those things that’s usually awesome about Godzilla movies is that the storyline is always engaging but they never spoonfeed things to you, and they always reveal details at a well structured, planned out pace. That’s some good scriptwriting for ya folks.

Ghidorah seems to have killed a lot of planet’s surface. Venus, Planet X, Mars, it only makes you wonder what other places he has destroyed, what alien life forms are out there in this universe, and if he reaches outside of our Solar System. That’s another thing I love about the Godzilla universe. Even when sticking to official reports, it allows for much speculation as well as feeling very large and exciting, like the Avengers, or like X-Men, which happens to be the other marathon I’ve been doing. There is a surprising focus on the atmosphere, as each scene has its own sense of atmosphere, sometimes appropriate and sometimes not, but it’s a nice movie to look at for 1965.

The design of the spaceships is basic yet creative, as although it’s nothing spectacular like Close Encounters of the Third Kind (to come out 12 years later), it is somewhat original. It boasts white and blue colors, as most UFO’s have red and green. I could describe the shape as a dinner plate with two cakes ontop, windows on the cakes, and blue balls on the top of the upper cake. While this doesn’t differ too far from the traditional UFO design, the ‘plate’ on most UFOs is paper thin and there is only one cake, and it is more of a half circles then a cake shape.

There is also no blue ball, though it is completely unnecessary for space travel, and the windows on most UFOs are absent in favor of peering through a clear version of the ‘cake’ made of glass. This often confuses me as glass is not a very stable material, and the material that I imagine they use in this movie for the UFOs - the aliens themselves - seems to hold up stronger. However the paper thin disk is usually a good reflector for the typical UFO. Why I’m going on and on about alien design yet I only did three sentences for acting I’ll never know, except that Asperger’s tends to come with a lean on visual use of…everything.

Surprised I’m not one of those special effects fanboys. But judging from this series of thoughts, you might think I am! Well, just look what I gave Avatar for proof I’m not. The costume design for the aliens from Planet X is fucking hilarious! The only reason I can take these characters seriously is because of the fact they have really, really deep voices and sad, miserable, yet ploting, evil people are there personality. They also perform much betrayal, and bring up a lot of serious subject matter, such as a cure for Cancer, and the death of a planet, as well as lacking of water on both planets.

CONTINUITY ALARM! The Xilians state that the combined forces of Rodan and Godzilla defeated King Ghidorah, and that that would do the same for them. However, it was actually the combined effort of Mothra Larvae, Godzilla and Rodan. TYME 4 BACK STORY (ET RIPPING OFF LINKARA!) Mothra was originally scheduled to have been included in The Invasion of the Astro-Monster, however was cut due to budget purposes. It’s noticeable that Mothra was planned as the takeoff scene to transport Godzilla and Rodan to Planet X features three ships, and while one is of the headquarters, it is very apparent this was meant to carry three monsters.

This happened again with Godzilla vs. Gigan, as scripts of earlier drafts cite Megalon, Varan, Rodan and two new monsters named Majin Toul and Mogu respectively. The plots were similar however the budget did not allow for more than 4 monsters mostly made of stock footage. Again it happened in Terror of Mechagodzilla, as Titanosaurus was supposed to start out as a T-Rex and a Sea Serpent, and then fuse to make Titanosaurus. Mothra was then added to Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster, and this has caused even more fan speculation, such as was she in a cocoon at the time.

(Although she cocoons way faster than that) or would it have been impossible for the Xilians to control her, as she is very intelligent (though the Xilians can control humans), or was it the Fairies’ singing, as the Xilians are sensitive to…you know. (Although they are only sensitive to a specific you know.) The dialogue in this movie can get pretty cheesy, but when they are dealing with serious subject matter and not girls, the dialogue gets really interesting. The dialogue and Sci-Fi elements of this film make me feel, again, as if I’m watching a crossover between Star Trek and Godzilla. While it is outdated and there is not much thought provoking, as a guy who likes facts, debate and discussion, it very much intrigues me.

Nick Adams’ character is an out of place character in the Godzilla series, but a welcome addition. He is clever, slick, yet polite and politically correct…well…as much as a stable, tolerable, non-wholesome character can allow. Well he doesn’t strike me as awesome, I like this character and would hang on with him, ya know, at a convention or something…GOD DAMMIT LUIGI’S MANSION 2 WAS ANNOUNCED FANGASM MUST HAPPEN I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! Okay, sorry, had to get out of the way. This doesn’t normally occur in a Godzilla movie or in most 60’s movies.

They really go deep into categorizing monsters here, as far as to go to numbering them by not 1 digit but two. 0-0, 0-1, 0-2, 0-3. This would mean that there are at least 81 monsters in this universe that the Xilians interact with. At the time this movie was released, there were only 27 monsters in the Toho universe, and all the way through the Showa Series only proved to be 59 monsters, with 12 unused creations, adding up to a total of 71 monsters, and those 12 unused thought of only after 1971. It makes you wonder what the Xilians knew that the humans never knew of.

The first fight between Ghidorah and Godzilla+Rodan is enjoyable, and they occasionally use really awesome moves. However it is really, really, really, really, really, really, really short and afterwards Gojira does one of the most ridiculous celebrations ever. Yeah…ummm…..HELP ME MOMMY!!!! Planet X turns out to be kind of a mirror image and social commentary on what stories like 1984, 2081, Planet of the Apes, The Giver and many other stories envision of the planet Earth. The way these aliens ‘die’ is hilarious, and it takes all seriousness out of their death, but it’s funny.

The movie is not destruction oriented, nor that it even have much. It is mostly dialogue and plot, not much action is featured in this film. AGAIN, Star Trek! I wouldn’t go so far as to say Star Trek was a rip-off, or to say there was even any inspiration, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was inspiration, and this film has many parallels, being 4 years before Star Trek, however released 1 year after Star Trek first debuted in the U.S.A., possibly citing success over space, but might draw some rip-off theories from people who lived in the 60’s. When the destruction happens, it’s fucking awesome, but it doesn’t happen until the last act of the film.

The human climax is so awesome! With all the events leading up to now, and Akira’s signature song, you just find yourself chanting “Planet Earth! Planet Earth!” It’s these times when a movie truly pulls off the feeling of ‘Earth’s Finest Hours.’ The final battle with Rodan, Ghidorah and Godzilla is choreographed as the script seemed to intend it. “Oh shit, we still got Ghidorah on our hands! Quickly, Rodan, help me do something!” It gets pretty silly though. The way they defeat Ghidorah is pretty damn awesome, and this fight lasts longer then the first one, and it leaves you off with ‘that was a good story.’

Well, overall this is a very good dialogue-oriented story that resembles Star Trek, has some pretty hilarious aspects and some awesome but very rare monster action. I say this can appeal to a wide variety of Sci-Fi Nerds, and I give it a 4.3/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Ghidorah The Three-Headed Monster (vs. Godzilla) (and Mothra) (and Rodan) (and Robin) (1964)

Review of the Japanese Speaking Version. And yes, it will probably alternate.

This film was the next after Mothra vs. Godzilla to try to cash-in on the crossovers. I listed many failed attempts (Frankenstein vs. Godzilla, Batman vs. Godzilla), but here, we have a Fatal-4-Way Battle Royal 3 on 1 between Mothra, Rodan and Godzilla, VS. The Three-Headed Monster: King Ghidorah! A monster from the sea, a monster from the air, and a monster from Infant Island, collide in one gigantic showdown with the first Extra-Terrestrial Being in a Godzilla Feature! Why I’m doing a trailer I will never know! So let's dive right in. The “marble” that came from the shooting star which turned out to be, what it would be, I wonder what were in the other “marbles,” as we saw there were others?

Let’s use “marble” for the thing that anybody who has used this movie knows what I’m referring to. The scene where they climb the mountain and discover the marble is a prime example of the cinematography and scenery, and mostly artistic style of these films. Every shot in these movies is iconic. Maybe not beautiful, although many are, but every single shot in these movies are truly iconic, their own, and this movie proves a prime example of that.The debut for Rodan is pretty awesome, but nothing special, and accidentally uses Godzilla's signature roar. This has been spotted by several people but is not regarded as anything important, as it is not.

This movie is another one of those “wait for the big reveal of the monster!” However it doesn’t make sense --- In fact, none of them make sense. I just went through a quick scan of all the posters for movies we have watched, and all of the original poster have the monster in them! Only the English poster for Godzilla vs. The Thing has Mothra as a silhouette. Speaking of which, the poster for Ghidorah has Ghidrah’s (it’s spelt several different ways) wings blue and butterfly like. This never happens in any film involving this creature and I wonder if this was a pre-production idea for the wingspan.

Regardless, look at the King’s design! King Ghidorah has always been one of my favorites for design and destruction! He has two gigantic wings that are about the size of the rest of his body EACH, with two tails with claws at the end (originally used for Mothra Larvae), Three heads that shoot Lightning (I wonder if that means he has three brains), two feet, no arms and of course can fly! This is one of the most original, interesting characters, even though his design is obviously a dragon and some inspiration was taken from Orochi, he is still a very interesting design.

This also allows for some fucking awesome destruction scenes, in which he doesn’t even need to touch the ground! This creature is badass, and would later to become the most re-occuring fight for Godzilla aside from Mothra. Speaking of which, aren’t Rodan and Mothra the reason we’re watching this?...Wait, what was I talking about again? HI TOLSTOY HOW YOU DOING?!?! The “alternate dimension” logic used to justify the survival of a certain someone didn’t make sense and was under explained back then, and doesn’t make sense and is under explained now.

This is another one of those super plots. But as opposed to Mothra vs. Godzilla, they all tie in nicely. We have a Princess trying to get home safely without being assassinated, Ghidorah attacking, the usual ordeals regarding Mothra, Rodan and Godzilla, Moral Debate between Giant Monsters (yeah, I know, what the hell?) And the princess talking about how she is from Ma---Um, I mean Venus. Yeah, going off topic, the English version tells of the Princess telling the people she is from Mars. However, in the original Japanese version, she is from Venus. This would really wreck Ghidorah continuity as he has been from Mars, Venus, Earth, Heaven, and two different Planet X’s. Hello Fan Fiction! But seriously folks, that’s a lot of story that luckily intertwines not perfectly but nicely.

Oooooookay I’m really confused now. So, in the first two Mothra movies, her twin fairies (do they ever get names?) are against being used as a performance and just want to live on Infant Island with Mothra and the natives in peace. Here…they open the characters as stage performers on a show that barely anybody but Grandmas watches….I’m confused, did they sell out that badly in a matter of a FEW MONTHS? This could be seen as nitpicking, but it makes me confused about the characters and the solidity of their philosophy, which there is plenty of in the series of films.

Truly, it was just a tool to use to deliver the message that one Mothra has died, which was a tool used to save money. Hmm…throwing away philosophy for Greed…hmm…using your greed and lack of philosophy for an entertainment spectacle…hmmm…the message of the original Mothra…Hmmm…hypocrites….hmmm…Pancakes…Truly though, it is understandable, as battling Godzilla right from being born and then swimming across the ocean to your home just to have to deal with drums banging all the time isn’t the best conditions for long life, but seriously, this was just “greedy” on part of Toho.

This scene is also a tool to debut a new song, which is nice, but nowhere near the best two songs of the original Mothra film. To make things worse, this new song takes over the dominant place of Mothra’s call to action! And, it gets crazier. The fairies, instead of helping themselves in the wild which I’m sure they are, or just find another way of transpiration after their further affairs are disrupted, they actually CHOOSE to hang around with the humans!!!!!!! WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYY?!?!?!?!??! *Todd in the Shadows teleports into Office* “STOP NITPICKING!” Still, I can somewhat be okay with it due to some monster on monster philosophy delivered by the fairies, rather than monster on human, human on human, human on monster, Natives on Richman or Richman on Natives, delivered by any of the above.

NITPICK TIME! *Gets slapped in the face by Todd in the Shadows.* Hey! They state that the “marble’s pulling power” might be magnetic or gravitational. While I know it is magnetic, due to the “axes” being pulled, I’ll also tell you how I know it’s not gravitational. Gravity is a pulling force that is affected by the relationship of size and distance between two or more objects, regardless we don’t know what causes it. They may have not had this information 47 years ago, which is understandable. I would like you to do this sometime when you are hiking, if anybody hikes anymore.

Take an ant, and put it 1 Meter away from a boulder. The ant is much smaller than the “axe,” the boulder is much bigger than the “marbel,” and the distance will be a lot shorter than the distance between the two objects in the movie. You will notice there is NO pulling force whatsoever. Though it is simplified in diagrams, the ratio of size between the Earth, or any planet, is gigantic. Conclusion: IT IS NOT GRAVITATIONAL. The “gunfight” scene towards the end shows how a movie can have a quiet exciting scene without flashy effects and mutation….wait, wrong word. Um, muteness? Yeah, muteness, that’s the right word.

The term “resurrect” and not “awaken” for Rodan is actually correct. In the first movie, and the most recent Rodan movie in 1964, Rodan had died. I don’t know how a volcanic eruption would do that, but that does add a little emotional flavor to the Pterodactyl, as there was already in the first film, and it does make you wonder why the Mate didn’t resurrect herself as well. Either way, it adds a little more emotional mystery to the flying reptile. You know what, I’m gonna do a little fan-fiction myself. I say that the reason the princess doesn’t die is that the Venus Girl and the Princess are alternating lives. When one dies, another takes over, and it continues to go that way until a death of…something or another. I haven’t gotten that part figured out but the rest of it I got!

Godzilla’s debut scene builds up some tension of a “ship that should not sail” for a while of foreshadowing, and eventually leads up God Damn Gamer--I mean, Godzilla, Completely obliterating the ship into a million pieces with just a breath of fresh air! That my friends is pure badassery. All accompanied by Gojira’s trademark entrance, making it one of Godzilla’s best entrances. Ghidorah’s sound effect is pretty awesome. It’s like a mix of a dragon, dolphin and insect. It’s one of those sound effects that stay with you after hearing it late at night…Moving on. Again, guys, stop complaining about later Godzillas looking like Cookie Monster and later Sons of Godzilla looking like Barney.

In every Godzilla movie he looks goofy. There are different incarnations, more look like CM then most people give credit to, but the only reason I would be scared of that monster is because of his intentions, origins and size. His shape has nothing to do with it. In Ghidorah’s first destruction scene, just his lightning alone is able to cause such massive devastation! He continues to do this throughout what appearances he has in the film, and at first I wanted him to use some other techniques but through playing the video games I’m not entirely sure that would be a wise idea.

The monster action for a very big chunk of the film is relatively low. Up until 46 minutes, three monsters have made three slight appearances and only two things have been destroyed, one boat and one bus. We finally get here, and Gojira surfaces. However, instead of going straight for the destruction….Rodan appears in the sky! And you’re just thinking to yourself, “FUCK YEAH, IT’S GODZILLA VS. RODAN!!! WOOO!!!!!” And then….nothing happens…..it just transitions to another shot….FUCK YOU TOHO, FUCK YOU!!!! Sorry, Toho is awesome, I just feel they’ve done a little bit of stupid stuff with this film.

Be hypocritical about the philosophy of their own characters, tease us about one monster fight that might never happen again, although it does happen...yeah, wow. Then they tease us AGAIN just about 10 minutes later when Rodan knocks over Godzilla, but it is cut over to one of the MOST AWESOME reveals for a monster ever, the entrance of King Ghidorah! While that’s all well and good, are we ever going to see Rodan and Godzilla battle it off? Well, we finally do, and it…quickly gets interrupted. Okay, you know what, this is absolute insanity. During the part that we do see before it gets interrupted…we basically see Godzilla using fire and Rodan using his beak to peck.

Okay, this is good, but I can imagine it lasting longer then it did…oh, now I get it. It can’t be that this was directed by a corporate asshole, as all Godzilla movies up till then, Half Human, Rodan, The Mysterians, Varan, Battle in Outer Space, Mothra, Gorath, Atragon, Matango AND Dogora had all bend directed by the same master: Ishiro Honda! The next time they battle, they actually start to get really interesting, as Rodan picks up Godzilla. It cuts back and forth between scenes, but there is enough to see Rodan land Godzilla on an Electric Tower right on the…well…Dick?

Throughout the parts of the film that make up what I’m calling ‘the actual fight,’ they try some innovative techniques that they can’t quite get right. For instance, tail attacks and umm…umm…Volleyball with Boulders? Throughout the series and into the Video Games, these fighting techniques would be perfected for monster mashes! Seriously though, if you want a play-by-play of how good the fight is, I know it’s fanboyish of me to recommend him, but James Rolfe of Cinemassacre does a pretty good play-by-play in his review of it. WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE

Are my reviews just becoming a big sack of nitpicks? That’ll be wonderful for an Indiana Jones Marathon! Hmmm. Anyways…So King Ghidorah is a monster from space, and the reason why the Venusian is here is because to warn them that King Ghidorah will do the exact same that was done to Venus, destroy all the culture and science. Now, they say culture and science was far advanced beyond Earth on Venus. Then Ghidorah goes on destroying the planet. Yeah, I know it took other monsters to kill Ghidorah…or not even, just send him back to outer space…but if Venus is advanced “far beyond” that of earth, which if they have obtained deep space travel extends thousands of years, how in the holy mother of fuck were they not able to fend him off?

Or, on the other hand, how are three monsters, one being only a few months old, the other just awaken from the DEAD, and only one in mint condition, able to fend off a monster that DESTROYED AN ENTIRE PLANET!?!!??!?!?!!? *SPOILERS OVER* So, Godzilla, Mothra and Rodan have…a conversation? Okay, this wasn’t what I meant by human emotions being good in Kaiju! It is translated by the fairies, and it’s a little immature but being that these are relatively very primitive creatures, it is understandable that they are using this train of though and language. Though, I just don’t know if this conversation was a bright idea.

This later becomes a “revolution” towards the end of the film, and it was here where I started to make the connection between this movie and Anime. Yeah….it’s not looking good if that is the case. This was the film that turned Godzilla into an Anti-Hero (a person who acts as a Protagonist first but always has Antagonist agendas in mind. Say, if another monster was killing people, Godzilla would go after that before teaming up with him to kill more people. But after killing the monster, he would just go around killing more people on his own.) He would later turn into a full on Protagonist…and we all know where that went, don’t we?

The final battle is one of the odder ones that we’ve seen so far. Yet at the same time it is one of the most awesome! Mothra rides Rodan’s back to shoot webs with better accuracy! Really, really out of place but fucking awesome! At the end, our three heroes watch Ghidorah fly away, and they’re thinking “umm…we got ‘em?” “Yes, Godzilla, we got him.” “Well alright! Mothra, Rodan, who wants some Beers & Tuna Fish on the house!!???!?! I need to relax anyways.” “I can’t digest fish, being an insect, but I will take some wine if you got it.” “Let the little kid relax, Godzilla.Me, the mighty Pterosaur Rodan, I’m gonna chomp my way through as much Vodka and Dolphin as possible!”

Wait…I remember this. I remember something! (Yeah, that can’t be possible, right?) I remember back in the day when I first watched Godzilla movies, being an impatient 2nd-4th Grader, probably up until 5th did I stop, I added my own lines of dialogue to the monsters when they were on screen. And now I’m doing it again? Just goes to show you how successful Inoshiro Honda was at making these characters “human,” a little too close for comfort. Inoshiro Honda is one of my favorite directors of all time, and if I ever met him it would be a total honor. But like Steven Spielberg, my favorite of all time, and J.J. Abrams+Matthew Broderick, who made my favorite movie of all time with some advice from the Steve, I recognize they can make mistakes, and the more films they make, the more times they make mistakes.

This time there were a few mistakes made as far as the fairies characters and inexperience with monster fights (only 4 films including this one where there where there were monster fights, and this was the only complex one so far). However, successful debuts of the monsters, good destruction when it is available, many complex storylines that intertwine together nicely, an awesome concept and an iconic feel that goes through the film 100% makes it an awesome, awesome film and is regarded as one of the best of the Showa series. I give this movie 4.6/5

I, Da Ca$hman signing off!

Mothra vs. Godzilla (Godzilla vs. The Thing) (1964)

Review of the English Speaking version unfortunately.

It seems as if I just watched all the 50’s-70’s monster movies at least 5 times in my childhood!

(Independent Research from Toho Kingdom and Memory): Mothra vs. Godzilla was basically a cash-in on King Kong vs. Godzilla. However, Toho being the awesome company it is, not only made King Kong vs. Godzilla awesome but it’s cash-in awesome! They originally tried to make a sequel called Continuation: King Kong vs. Godzilla. They also tried to go for a Frankenstein crossover, with Frankenstein Meets the Human Vapor and Frankenstein vs. Godzilla (that would have been fucking awesome.) Sadly, none of the above three ever made it to screen. You see, back then, both Mothra and Godzilla were respective successes, yet they had never crossed over. Toho wasn’t as loose about crossovers back then.

Today, Warner Bros. owns Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, which are both amazingly successful franchises on their own which are often grouped together, but you’re not going to see a crossover even though it’s legally possible and easy. That was Toho back then. But they went for this, and it was a huge success! The next thing they would do would be to incorporate another one of their success’, Rodan, into the mix with another monster who we will soon see…They also had another successful crossover event, Frankenstein vs. Baragon, which was Baragon’s debut, but still drew a lot of attention due to the icon of Frankenstein’s monster.

They also tried their hands at another King Kong movie, which would crossover with Robinson Cruse, but that was re-worked to another movie that we will review soon due to racial and legal problems. Eventually, Universal settled for King Kong Escapes, which had a Mecha-Kong, Gorosaurus and a Giant Sea Serpent. Finally, in a last effort to get the crossover money on their side, they even tried to work out deals with 20th Century Fox, Warner Bros. and DC Comics to try to get Batman vs. Godzilla. Yeah, needless to say that didn’t go well. So, they just ended up doing absolutely everybody they could get with yet TWO movies that will be here down the line!

Anyways, onto the actual review, enough information. At first, when they discover the “monster egg” you’re thinking, “well, okay, what else would it be besides Mothra?” Remember, the egg was only shown before on Infant Island, where man had never seen it. For all they know, this could be a new monster, or the egg of any reptilian monsters in that universe  (Godzilla, Angirus, Rodan, Varan, Giant Octopus or Giant Lizard). This movie draws an interesting parallel to the first Mothra movie. In the first movie, the fairies get captured and Mothra saves them. In this one, Mothra gets captured and the fairies go after her…hm.

Woah, Woah, IT’S NITPICK TIME! The entrepreneur says that he bought the egg for the average price of a chicken egg multiplied by how many chicken eggs would fit in it, which is 153,000. Not questioning the size, let’s look at the price. Eggs were approximately 49 U.S. Cents a Dozen in 1963. 49/12=4.08 cents. 153KX4.08=$6,247.50. He paid $6,247.50 U.S. Dollars, which translates to modern money as $44,001.71 (Thank you Inflation Calculator.) That is not enough for such an important discovery! What’s more, they plan on gaining 1 Billion Yen out of this investment.

That would translate to 10 Million U.S. Dollars at the time, which translates to $70,430,909.01 of modern money. That’s profit, not gross, and an avreage. They want to make this on charging a fee to view the egg. This would foreshadow to present a similar message as Mothra perceived, which is Greed. They have touched this in future movies also, such as Godzilla vs. Gigan, but that got muffled with evil aliens and it just comes off as odd. Well, although it is Dubbed, the dialogue doesn’t seem as cheesy as Rodan, yet not as good as Mothra. This company did a better job with it, though I still think that the Japanese dialogue would be better. C’mon, nobody wants to sell me a copy of the Classic Media edition?

MORE NIT PICKING TYME! The corporate ass in the beginning said that the egg was equal to 153,000 chicken eggs. Yet later another character around 27 minutes states it’s equal to about 1 million! Consistency! Well, he says therefore it should take 7 Million minutes to hatch. That equals out to 2 Months and 27 Days. But how do they know when it was laid? That logic could have been easily cut yet it wasn’t! Godzilla’s entrance is one of the odder ones. In King Kong vs. Godzilla, he came out of the iceberg because he was put there by the army in Godzilla Raids Again. I can see they were trying to top that but when they figured out they couldn’t they just choose the weirdest idea they had for the hell of it. But of course, it is accompanied by Akira’s signature song for Godzilla!

I love the way Godzilla destroys stuff! You already know my opinion on Mothra. Godzilla is one of the most varied monsters as far as destroying things. He punches, kicks, slams, tail-whips, stomps, throws, uses his Atomic Breath and even gets stuck in a radio tower to make it collapse! Even when he is just walking he is destroying absolutely everything! Even if he always destroys the Pagoda, and trips into it here, he then continues to absolutely decimate it! He’s completely indestructible too! This really is the movie that established that if you hit Godzilla with any human weapons, you will NOT be able to SCRATCH HIM!

They hit him with fucking everything! And excuse me if I go Norman Bates here, but I see a metaphor in all this. It is saying that trying to erase human mistakes with other human mistakes is only going to make the situation worse. Through the films, he has always faced either other monsters of nature or aliens. Only when he was a protagonist has he faced other nuclear monsters. It is saying that the mistakes of man will only be cleaned up by nature or other worldly beings, and that we must have the gut to let them do it themselves. There is one scene, however, where the head of Godzilla actually catches on fire. Luckily nobody was hurt in the fire, and for an accident, it’s pretty damn awesome.

Am I the only one who saw a snapping turtle SKELETON moving it’s head around 41:50? And it didn’t even affect the plot?...Big Lipped Alligator Moment. Even getting odder, I see the that they used the “red juice” that they mentioned in the first film, which means that they weren't foreshadowing King Kong vs. Godzilla but were foreshadowing this movie (?) Okay, I can understand the normal everyday people talking English due to the fact that this was Americanized…but why are the Natives of Infant Island speaking English? Oh well. I'm just on a streak of confusion, but I still love this movie!

NITPICK TIME!!! Gosh, I cannot get off these even in movies that I just sit back and relax for. In the original Mothra, the island was lush, green and colorful, but only in a specific region. It was enough to survive the animals and plants. That’s how any plants and animals survived the atomic testing. Here, it is just a wasteland, and they have survived somehow. They blame the humans for their demise. If you are getting fandom here and think it might be a different island due to name, think again. Monster Island is referenced again in two movies that we are going to review later in the marathon.

In the first one, it has about as much lushness as Infant Island in Mothra. Then, in the other one, it is extremely lush and green though does have a volcano, although this might be due to the fact that this movie takes place 31 years after its release date, and then maybe humans had time to relax the island then. But that doesn’t make too much sense, the process would take longer then that. The movie in between those two, Son of Godzilla, also is on Monster Island, and has it’s areas of lushness and desolation, but mostly lushness. What the hell? There is a small area of green in this feature, but not anything nearly as big as the original Mothra film.

I will admit though (starting to sound like BTMF), the scenery of this desolate place is very nice to look at compared to most baron landscapes of monster movie cinema. Very gritty and hilly, with a few skeletons. Gives you an edge, only if in High-Def or even in a nice DVD…only if… If you’re watching the English Speaking Version (pray to God you’re not) you will hear people alternate between calling Mothra…well…Mothra, and The Thing. This was because in the original U.S. Release, the film was originally called Godzilla vs. The Thing. The message of not being greedy is expressed again in this film, and again in a very subtle but powerful way. Not as well though, as the story focuses on several storylines and not two like the original Mothra.

So, first we have the egg as a tourist attraction, then the fairies trying to convince the people not to use it as a tourist attraction, then saving the fairies from being tourists attractions, then trying to convince the fairies to use Mothra towards man’s gain, then the whole ordeal as if “you killed our island, why should we help you?” Then they convince Mothra to help, then the hatching of the Egg, other events that you could not as easily predict from the beginning of the film, someone is making someone borrow his own money and pay interest, there’s a fight literally to the death over money, and in all the middle of this Godzilla is stomping Tokyo!

OH MY GOD THE SCRIPTWRITER MUST HAVE HAD HEADACHES AFTER FINISHING THIS! I guess there is too much of a good thing! Not really, as the stories are compelling and all, but is meshes the message in between all these conflicting and merging storylines. Normally in Godzilla movies, you don’t see human deaths. In this film, and the first Gojira movie, the deaths are there and disturbing if you’re one of the last people that actually sees death for what it truly is: the end of life. No afterlife, no memory, no retribution, no continuation, no more feelings, not even an empty oblivion. It just…ends. All for nothing. Because of someone else’s actions. Ain’t that horrifying? No, death is just half the time something entertaining in a slasher film and half the time killin’ those damn Muslim terrorists!!! *cough*Fuck Humanity*cough.* HI DIATRIBE HOW YOU DOING?!?!?!

So, we finally come to a film where there is a monster fight. Well, for a monster that can basically cause wind and drag Godzilla by the tail, it’s a pretty damn good fight. But like most monster movies at the time, the cinematography was so lazy. I don’t see why it had to be, seeing there are many scenes where they fight perfectly fine regardless of camera tricks. There’s literally a scene where call you can see is flashing colors that look like Mothra and Godzilla but you can’t see what the fuck they are doing. Did I just see the origin of “Think of the children” as a business tycoon Japanese male and not a white…a white…how the hell do I know how to spell schizophrenia but I don’t know how to spell the female counterpart to a monk.

NITPICK TIME! According to cannon, the Godzilla that appeared in all movies between 1955-1975 is a different monster then the original Gojira. There must be a species difference here, because this Godzilla is vulnerable to lightning, while the original just ate that shit up! We would also see there be a difference in which Godzilla between 1985-1991, a timeline collapse in 1991, 1992-1995, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002-2003 and then 2004 would just be assumed to have every movie in it’s continuity…which really gets me confused. But, that’s for the day we actually review Godzilla vs. Biollante.

A lot of people have complained about future movies where Godzilla looked like The Cookie Monster, specifically…Son of Godzilla was it? But, here, I think he REALLY looks like The Cookie Monster at points, yet nobody ever mentions it. You know what’s a...something….cliche in these movies? Where anytime a monster appears the girl always falls into the guys hands. I don’t think it’s annoying or hilarious, it’s just there and it will always be there. The larvae look just as good as before, but they have a “just born” dew on their bodies, so they don’t have that gritty texture. However everything else about them is the same as the original film.

The Larvae Fight…umm…I don’t know if I’m not officially a traitor or not. Yeah, for the fight that fucking kills Godzilla, and the larvae have a secret ability of web attacks that the Adult Mothra doesn’t…it BLOWS! Well, this movie is very good, just what you would expect from a Godzilla/Mothra crossover, but nothing more except some confusing storylines, not for the sake of lack of understanding them, but for the fact there are so many to keep track of. I don’t think it’s one of the best Godzilla films, but that might be due to the English translation. And a crappy final fight, even for Godzilla standards.. 4.2/5

Next Review: Ghidorah The Three-Headed Monster

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Mothra (ft. Vampire Plants) (ft. Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter) (1961)

REVIEW OF THE JAPANESE SPEAKING VERSION (Thank God!) Happy 50th Birthday most Badass Moth on the planet! Battra is just a wanna-be!

Mothra is another one of the monster movies I watched over and over again as a kid, but not nearly as much as Gojira or Rodan, due to the fact I had tapped it off of TV and didn’t have the DVD or VHS release, in fact there had been no DVD Release of Mothra (Battle in Outer Space or H-Man) until 2009. Like Rodan, the plot is instantly engaging. Mothra successfully creates a situation that doesn’t reveal much about the plot however does get you interested to see what’s going to happen next. Just a side note, I have a feeling the “Red Juice” they mention around 7 minutes is a reference and foreshadow to the next monster movie they would produce, King Kong vs. Godzilla.

Infant Island has some of the most beautiful scenery and should stick in your head throughout time. It is colorful and beautiful. It is not vibrant, but that allows for a more natural feel. In fact, even if it doesn’t look good, every single piece of this movie has an iconic look that says “Mothra.” Including the Tokyo Tower, which was finished only a matter of 3 years before this was filmed. One of the majesties on the island is Mothra's Twin Fairies, who would become a staple in movies featuring the monster. Unless I’m on something, hopefully not as I am Straight Edge, the fairies first sing in the form of a tune that you would get if you slowed down a song from Pokemon Red (NOT Lavender Town) and then played it backwards. Hi Japan! How are you?!??!

The dialogue isn’t anything special however keeps the film going at a smooth pace. It continuously keeps the story going bit by bit, which also keeps it interesting as not a ton of shit is dumped on you at once. Rather, each detail of the story is released bit by bit, making you want to come back for more! The dialogue is also very clever at times. Sometimes it reaches a point of social commentary, but never quite executes it well enough. It always seems to sway in some weird dimension that is both not very serious yet very serious at the same time, and that just doesn’t go together. Basically, the dialogue is good, but nothing special, but you can tell they tried to do something special with it.

This film differences itself from horror that DiaKaiju had garnered for a long while. Instead of starting out in a sense of slight darkness and going in deeper and deeper until a monster holocaust occurs, this film starts off with mystery and wonder, as it looks for awesomeness but discovers a tragic tale in itself. While it does have scenes of death and social commentary, it always remains upbeat and when the sad parts come in they aren’t trying to be horrifying as much as they are trying to get a point across. The music here is Oscar-Worthy. Beautiful, stays in your head because of its sheer awesomeness and magnitude that it adds to the atmosphere. What do you expect? It’s Akira!

The song that debuts itself during the show, “Mothra oh Mothra,” though you can’t understand the lyrics unless you spoke Japanese or looked up the lyrics, is one of the most memorable and awesome songs I’ve heard in a film that did not consist of any other musical numbers. It makes me want to sing it out loud - though I learned a while ago that that is not a smart idea if you are male...., It has stayed a mainstay throughout Toho films involving the monster, and solidified the fairies place in the movies. Because, you gotta be honest, aside from the points they make and their voice & song…they are really, really annoying!

I feel for them being captured, but about as much as any other animal being captured. In fact maybe a little less, only a little, as they actually have a guardian angel as a means to escape. Nevertheless, it is a classic story and it is AWESOME! The connection between the moth and the fairies is timeless, despite it’s flaws, it is pure awesomeness. Why am I overreacting about a moth saving two fairies from the hands of a corporate asshole? Well…I am! It’s awesome! What, just because the movie has three feminine protagonists and is seen by the general audience as the girl’s King Ghidorah doesn’t mean I can’t like it? Pssh :p. It’s much more then that! Especially considering Mothra is a GUY in this movie! (Well, in the Japanese version anyways.)

The creature design is umm…is umm…the umm…The Larvae stage is…quite weird. I like it in this movie especially though as, unless in water, looks more gritty. Gives a more “earthworm” feel to the creature, even though I’m well aware it’s not an earthworm…I have no fucking clue what it is. According to Toho Kingdom (citing a site that is not Wikipedia FTW) she is a…a…okay, according to Wikipedia she is a…Lepidopteran, however she looks nothing like the species. The adult is vibrant and colorful, but nothing immensely awesome. Then again, this is meant as a very colorful film.

You see, Mothra needs to teach Rodan a lesson. While the idea of having an episodic storyline is innovative and interesting, the proper way to have two storylines is to have them happening at the same time AND get intermingled in the process. However, this might be due to the fact that Mothra is actually based off a novel, “The Luminous Fairies and Mothra.” I’m not quite sure why this is important but it gives you some insight that this story was not completely original on part of Ishiro Honda and Toho. When Mothra starts destroying the city, I like how there is completely light-hearted music in the background. As I said, it’s not horror! It’s Fantasy-Commentary with Giant Monsters!

Of course, the big question: does this movie have destruction and mayhem? OF COURSE IT DOES! The first stage, Larvae, is surprisingly destructive. For a creature that can only cause destruction by crawling, it knows how to pack a punch! The adult Mothra is like a Tornado! She uses her wings like no moth has used her wings before and will never use again!!...Except for Battra but that’s later in this marathon. I also like how some scenes that are completely normal use compositing effects. Zen, The Snapping Turtle, who cannot be stopped when he gets his hands on Alcohol, is kind of like a Costello character in here. While he doesn’t belong in this story, he is also a contributing character and fits in well.

Occasionally you will hear people speaking English in Rolisica. This is because Rolisica is 60% America, 30% Russia, and 10% Nation of Islaam (Wikipedia, not direct quote.) These odd transitions between the languages were seamless, though a little awkward, and proved that it’s dead easy to watch a movie with subtitles if you know how to read at at least your education level. Sadly, most people do not read at the education level that they are in dude to standards being lowered for not just people who are mentally retarded, but for the dying I.Q. of America in general. Soon half the population will be under the same I.Q. that used to be classically known to organize people who were mentally retarded. HI DIATRIBE HOW YA DOING?!

It’s funny how the largest of creatures makes friends with the smallest, and us petty white and Asian regular everyday person aren’t even attached to this. It sort of portrays a metaphor. That the smallest things in life (Family, Friends, Board Games, Walking across the Lake, Pets,) are the most important things in the world, and us average Americans, Japanese, "Civilized People," and such aren't really at nature with these things. That's some smart thinking there, but again, a book. The overall message in this film is to not sacrifice life over your own petty greed. While I think this is a great message, and portrayed very well in the film, it is unexpected and this kind of message is not apparent in most DaiKaiju films.

They are usually anti-War, or anti-Nuclear Power, or anti-Science. This film gets down to the core of ALL those things, where the real problem lies: greed. Petty greed. I whole heartedly agree with it’s message, even if it was unexpected. It also doesn’t force it down our throats. It never even mentions the words “greed” or “gluttony.” But it leans towards that message to let it be relayed comfortably yet powerfully. The closing song, while not as iconic as “Mothra, oh Mothra,” is more beautiful in my opinion. But that might be as it reminds me of Melody Time, a Disney movie that I watched much earlier in my life before I ever stumbled on Godzilla and company.

My closing thoughts are this: this is a film that keeps your attention throughout the film yet is absolutely skillful at not spoonfeeding you anything. It has beautiful scenery, a wonderful message, awesome destruction of the city, an iconic story & song, very light-hearted characters and a very light-hearted score, and overall innovated the monster movie industry. It remains very famous today and went on to be Toho’s most famous monster aside from King Ghidorah and Godzilla, and only second to Godzilla in North America. This film gets a solid 4.8/5

Mothra…oh…Mothra…If we were to call, for help…Over time…Over sea…Like a wave…you would come…

Oh hell, here it is right here!

I, Da Ca$hman signing off.

Rodan (ft. Meganulon) (ft. Meteor Man) (1956)

The 55th Anniversary of one of the most famous Monster Movies amongst the Giant Monster Movie community, and just an awesome idea: Two Pterodactyls and Giant Insects? FUCK YEAH! Gamera may have gotten his shine in the Winter but Toho is getting the main event of Summer! Let's dive right in!

I don't think Gamera likes me very much. This is unfortunately the review of the English Speaking Version, however we will make comparisons where it's like "dude, I can tell this was better in the Japanese version." Honestly, I don’t know if doing an essay can really do justice on it. When I watch a Japanese Monster Movie, it is the only time I am truly able to let go of my pretentious “yes, the storyline twisted and turned and of course stayed fresh, auu, tour de fource! And of course, don’t forget the dialogue, the dialogue spewed by such Oscar winning actors forced tears to bulge through my eyeballs YADDAH YADDAH YADDAH.”

Not even in American monster movies - giant or not - or Japanese normal Sci-Fi do I gain this level of acceptance. It’s the only type of movie today where I can just sit back and enjoy it for what it is. Is it because it has such a dear spot in my heart? Is it because I know so much about these films and have such a passion that I can’t  deny my love? Or do they just bring some sort of magical smile to my face? Whatever the reason, I don’t hold these films in as high a regard as any other type of film. I just sit back and enjoy them, and that’s all these are meant for. After all, film was created for the very sake of entertainment. But, I promise, I deliver!

When I was a kid, this was one of those monster movies I watched over and over and over. The opening really made me pumped back then. At times, it perfectly suits the intro. However, it also is damaged when the narrator straight up TALKS for the characters in the introduction. Instead of hearing the bombers say “T-Minus 2 minutes” we hear the narrator say it. That is beyond cheesy, it’s just embarrassing. So, the introduction has potential, but it failed on it. Well, understandably so, as this introduction was added later when this movie was distributed to America.

With that this is the American speaking version. I really wish I had the Japanese version. The dialogue is SOOO much better in those. It’s like they’re not even trying here. So, fair warning again, if you’re watching the American version, don’t expect any dialogue beyond pure cheese. It really does get funny though, just as you would expect from a dubbed version of a monster movie. However, that doesn’t take away the drama that is portrayed by the situations, storyline and character arks. Underneath that dialogue is a story that is cliché (understandably as this was made 55 years ago) yet heartfelt and truly passionate to it’s purpose.

I like how in all the time in these movies the relative of people who died NEVER UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT THEIR RELATIVE. Just saying. The first kill scene was another one of those moments that was marked on my childhood with a permanent marker. Today, I still holds up for suspense…wait, how is that possible? How in the holy hell is it that a film about giant insects and Pterodactyls gets horror better then horror made post-Psycho. Most films in the last 50 years go for startling you or grossing you out. While this film has it’s share, it is legit, not forced, and it’s true power is intimidation and suspense, which represent TRUE fear.

God, the Meganulon is so creepy when they first show it’s face!

And it remains uber creepy throughout the film! He just strikes a real sense of fear and leaves you at night guarding yourself against it, something most horror movies can’t do. (But I don’t like bugs, crustaceans and fish, so that might affect it.) You see, you don’t need fast pacing, contemporary special effects, blood, gore and screaming to have a good horror film! All you need is something that actually…oh, I dunno…SCARES YOU? In addition proving it's intelligence, (I know, right?)  The pictures and figures in the background aren’t just put there at random…

When it comes to the Pterodactyl’s first kill, the image of Rodan circling around the air for the first time was also another thing that was permanently engraved in my childhood. The kill scene then is suspenseful but lazy…how else would they do it though? Just letting you assume that he blew up is much better then what they could have done with the technology at the time. It also leaves more up to the imagination. The character of “Shigiro” (no, not of the Nintendo company), provides a stark dark contrast of a human victim. (Only when under amnesia.) While the monsters are dark, most of the human characters are light. This guy is disturbed and dark though protagonist like and reasonably sane. He’s also there as an ark to show how Rodan was hatched so there.

As the Rodan kills continue, they mirror other Meganulon kills and start to feel overused. Of course this is probably easily cleared up by the fact the way Monster Movies were done at this time have now been done to death. But this is what was popular at the time. But I do think that the Meganulon story was extra padding in the film, and although provides a very interesting format of film - two stories in one film that connect directly to each other - it just feels rushed in a time limit of 1:17. Supposedly the Japanese version has an extra 10 minutes, which I assume helps the pacing, but still the movie should be at least 1:40 with two storylines if not 2:00. Hey, it is long for an old film, but consider Gone With the Wind. Just saying it wouldn’t be unreasonable to have a film that lasted 2:00 if it meant we had less rushing and more character and elaborate kills.

Many giant monster movies of this nature have bullshit scientific explanations to completely detail every little bit of the monster. Wingspan, size of eggs, and even the important stuff like how it is still alive. Of course, this is present here. For a puppet controlled by strings, Rodan kicks serious ass at destroying the city! He looks pretty kickass too. A badder version of a Pterosaur? EXTREME!!!! Although, close ups of the female monster look a little Muppet like, as the male creature is the one who looks awesome. Yes, they actually took the time to make the female and male look different. INSANITY, RIGHT? That’s what you call dedication to details, and back then it would just be considered not being dumb. You ever wonder what Ishiro Honda would think of today’s Cinema?

This movie did something that is not common around today. It happened in Cloverfield and GODZILLA, and that was seen as completely unusual, just to show you how much it has vanished. Not showing the monster and carefully, preciously showing different parts and different forms of the monster leading to a climatic reveal! And this was around in TV. It became out of fashion as it started to become overused and not effective anymore. Nowadays it is affective, however you really have to put your heart into doing that because the Internet allows information to go through so quickly. Look how fast it took for the reveal of Bill Clinton to appear in Hangover Part II. Nearly A YEAR before it was ever released! And it was supposed to be a surprise!

After Rodan was revealed and the first full on battle began, it felt like something was missing. Oh yeah, that’s right, there’s no music playing in the background AT ALL. Seriously! These monster movies are known for such awesome scores! The only possible situation would be that the American version cut out these scores! What a bunch of bullcrap. In fact, I started to notice that there were NO scores related to Ifukube. A few over-used suspense sounds, but nothing of classic Giant Monsters! Maybe it’s forgivable as that music wasn’t as well known in the Western World at the time, but now you just can’t have a giant monster movie without Akira Ifukube.

You know, the crappy 2002 release of the DVD I have does have one good thing about it: due to all the scratches they didn’t remove, it’s harder to see his strings and it’s much easier to get them confused with other scratches. At about 57 Minutes, though, you can plainly see the strings that are controlling him. Remember, they didn’t have CGI or Digital Editing Tools back then, and to paint the film reels would have harshly damaged it and made it look just unprofessional let alone unrealistic. You know there are just some scientific accuracies that are just unforgivable. They state that Rodan is “a Reptile (understandable mistake as thought in 1950’s that dinos were Reptiles), a member of the Snake family (WAIT, WHAT?)”

They also state that Reptiles hibernate. NO. Mammals hibernate! C’mon! This is stuff you learn in Elementary school! The end is surprisingly really emotional. To create that kind of a romantic, emotional, human relationship between two puppet Pteranadons is beyond…well…something. I couldn’t believe the ending, and how what seemed like just a fun movie about people getting smashed by Pterodactyls turned into a human, authentic, romantic story with such a bitter-sweet ending. As Cheesy as the actor was in the end, his final thoughts of the matter actually added to the emotion. It just makes me want to see the original more and more…

So that ends Day 1/15 of the 4.1 Monster Movie Marathon! (I SAY IT RHYMES!) What are my final thoughts? While the American translation does damage the movie to a very large degree, it cannot cover up the emotion that is held by both human and monster characters, the overall innovation of the format of story, and the utter destruction that we have all come to know and love. While the pacing is too fast, it does manage to successfully tell it’s story. If only the Japanese version I had. But unfortunately, this film is going to get the 3.8/5 Rating HOWEVER it does get the Kickass seal of approval!

I, Da Ca$hman singing off!